Kelso: A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthin' off.

Kelso: Guys, guess who's taking Pam Macey to the prom?
Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?
Kelso: NO, ME!
Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter.

Kelso: I don't want to play Joseph as a carpenter. Oh! How about I play him as a spaceman?
Eric: Kelso, I don't think Jesus was the son of a spaceman.
Kelso: Really? Well, where do you think God lives?
Leo: It's true, man. [Points upward]

Kelso: I miss Eric.
Jackie: Well, you still have me.
Kelso: It's not the same, Jackie! I can talk to Eric about things that... that I can't talk about with you.
Jackie: OK, well like what?
Kelso: Well, for instance, the annoying things that you do.
Jackie: MICHAEL!
Kelso: See, I can't talk to you.

Kelso: I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.
Donna: Um, that's not how evolution works.
Kelso: Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
Hyde: Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.

Kelso: So, did you kiss her? 'Cause I'll kill you if you kissed her.
Fez: No, I didn't want to kiss her. I wanted to hand her a napkin... There was not a moment when she didn't have a face full of food. I was disgusted.

Kelso: That's a burn about a burn, that's a second-degree burn.

Kitty: Eric, you've hardly touched your breakfast.
Eric: That's because I don't know what it is.
Kitty: Well, it's just, it's eggs and hash and some��surprises!
Eric: Mom, why aren't you eating it?
Kitty: Well, I just, I have never been a breakfast person.
Hyde: Is this rabbit?
Kitty: No!
Laurie: Mom, if Daddy gets a job, can we stop eating dog food?
Kitty: Laurie, it is not dog food. And God, I hope so.
Red: [walks in dressed in a suit and tie] So: would you hire me?
Laurie: I'd hire you, Daddy! Especially if the position was world's best father.

Kitty: We can't compete with a bunch of cars. Wheels are like bosoms to men... and a car has four.

Kitty: A car is not a bedroom on wheels.

Kitty: Boys, um, um, I realize that, uh, I may have been a little irrational today.
Kelso: A little?
Kitty: SHUT UP! So, um, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause. And, uh, lucky for you, I'm a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like "epithelial lining" and "uterine wall."
Fez: I'm hooked.

Kitty: Donna, you're so sweet for letting Jackie live here with you while her mother is...[pauses]...you know.
Donna: Whoring around Mexico?
Kitty: Donna that is not fair...[pauses]...I think she left Mexico.

Kitty: Eric, honey, could you get the Thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer? Oh, wait. It's a 20-pounder. Donna, could you get the Thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer?

Kitty: Eric, we have to keep your father calm -- so no shenanigans.
Eric: Oh, Mom, I haven't shenaniganned in six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-do-welled. Just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing.
Red: Will you shut up!

Kitty: Look what I've got!
Laurie: Ew. What's that?
Kitty: That is Marissa. Carol's baby. And you promised me last night that you'd babysit her.
Laurie: Last night? But I was drunk. Why can't you do it?
Kitty: Because you promised. And besides your father and I are having fondue and Parcheesi at the Pinciottis'.
Red: Oh? Then I'll do it.
Kitty: No. Laurie can watch this baby tonight.
Eric: Oh, look Laurie, a baby. And just in time for your Black Mass!
Red: Eric, what did I tell you about calling your sister the devil?
Eric: That it's offensive to the devil?