[Kelso tries to find food in the Formans' cupboards.]
Donna: Actually, Kelso. You know what really makes you horny? Beets.
Kelso: Yeah, right.
Eric: Nah, it's true, I saw it on 60 Minutes, man. Beet farmers with like, ten, 15 kids.
Kelso: Man, how's come everything that's good for you always tastes so bad? [gets can opener and tries to open can of beets] I'm trying it!
Kitty: [enters kitchen] Michael, honey, don't eat our beets! [gets can]
Jackie: You know, Michael, Mrs. Forman's right. You're horny enough as it is. Sometimes, I wish you had two girlfriends. [gang looks at her]
Kelso: Oh my God, are you serious?
Jackie: What?
Kelso: Nothing!

[Kelso's playing with his BB gun]
Eric: Watch the gun, Cool Hand Luke.
Kelso: [stands up] Relax. Guns don't just go off by accident.
Donna: Oh really? What about Eric's fourth-grade hamster, Snowball?
Eric: What? No, Snowball didn't get shot. He went upstate to live with a nice farm family. [catches on] You shot Snowball?!!
Kelso: The gun went off by accident!

[Kelso, Fez, and Donna forgot to bring beer. Charlie gives them a six-pack]
Kelso:How much do we love this guy?
Fez: He's a prince!
Donna: Charlie, it is so awesome hanging out with you.
Charlie: Ah thanks guys, it feels so good to finally belong to something you know. It's like the first day of the rest of my life! [ leans against the railing, which breaks] WHOOHOO!
Fez: THE BEER! [gang looks down and hears a thud]
Donna: That was a pretty awkward landing...I hope he's okay.
Kelso: Of course he's okay. It's not like anyone ever died falling off the water tower.
Kitty: [narrating to tape recorder, in kitchen]...And so they renamed it the Charlie Richardson Memorial Water Tower.

[Kitty and Jackie go to Christine St George's station to drop off a package she forgot at Fez's salon]
Jackie: Hiiii, uh, I'm here to see Christine St. George.
Receptionist: Do you have an appointment?
Jackie: No, but I am her biggest fan and I would love to be her co-anchor.
Receptionist: Okay, have a seat and a psychiatrist will be right with you.
Kitty: Oh please Miss, couldn't you just let us in for two minutes?
Receptionist: I got a better idea. How about if I let you in for no minutes?
Jackie: Please? Please could you let us in? I know I have what it takes to be on TV and I just need to demonstrate my talents to Christine.
Kitty: Oh and I just want an autograph. Or a souvenir. Ahaha! She made cheesecake on yesterday's show, is that around?
Receptionist: You really want to get in huh? Okay, I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.
Kitty: Six.
Receptionist: You got it!
Kitty: Ohhh! [claps hands and jumps for joy]
Jackie: So does that mean that we can go in?!
Receptionist: No. That's the number of cops I'm gonna call if you don't beat it.
Jackie: But..I'm supposed to be her co-anchor!
Receptionist: And I'm supposed to be Brooke Shields. Ain't life a bitch?

[Kitty and Red are sleeping and wake up upon hearing "We wish you a Merry Christmas"]
Red: What the hell?
Kitty: Its the Russians! [Red looks out the window]
Red: Oh, jeez. [opens window] Bob!
Bob: Hey there! Hi there! Ho ho ho there!
Red: Bob, it's midnight! Turn that crap of!
Bob: What would I do that for?! Hey, check out the keister on Mrs. Claus! I know what I want for Christmas!
Red: Bob, are you drunk?!
Bob: I'm not sober!

[Kitty and Red are trying to talk Hyde out of going to New York]
Red: We don't think that you should go.
Kitty: New York is a dangerous place.
Red: A young man today needs a high school diploma.
Kitty: In New York, you get mugged for no good reason.
Red: Do you have any idea what the job market is like?
Kitty: The people are rude. And you have feelings.
Red: Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.
Kitty: They spit. That's right, they spit!
Red: What're you gonna put on your resume? "Dumbass"?
Hyde: I'm not afraid of anything and I'm going!
Red: Well, that didn't go that great. Way to go, Kitty.

[Kitty awaits the outcome of Red's Price Mart supervisor interview]
Hyde: I'll be in the basement.
Kitty: No, you sit!
Hyde: Oh, sure, when things get ugly, suddenly I'm family!
Laurie: Not to me, freak.
Hyde: You are so going to end up in porno!
Kitty: [sees a grumpy Red walk in] Hi honey! [Red walks over to the bar and begins pouring a drink]
Eric: Right to the bar. Not a good sign.
Red: What are you all looking at? Don't you think that...Price Mart's new supervisor deserves a drink?
Kitty: Yay!
Red: Yeah, I got it!
Eric: Hey, congratulations, Dad.
Red: Thanks, Eric. Oh, and you're fired.
Eric: What, you can't do that!
Red: Yes I can! You're fired!
Eric: Hey, you know what? I'm not fired.
Red: Ok, if it's so important to you, you're not fired. But if your grades start to slip, you are fired! I love saying that!
Hyde: God help the poor bastards who work for you, huh?
Eric: [laughs] Wait, uh, I work for you.
Red: I know!

[Kitty catches Hyde and Jackie kissing.]
Kitty: Oh, good God. You kids switch partners more than square dancers!
Hyde: No, it's not what you think. We're not together.
Kitty: Then what's going on in my kitchen?
Jackie: Eric's in California! [Kitty leaves the kitchen.]
Hyde: Jackie, you just totally burned Forman. That is so badass. [They go back to kissing]

[Kitty gives Red Belgian waffles for breakfast]
Kitty: Here you go Red, Belgian waffles.
Eric: What's so Belgian about them?
Red: They crumbled at the hands of the Nazis.

[Kitty is driving Red, Eric, Hyde, and Fez back home after a long last-day binge. The guys are singing Wylie Hubbard's Up Against The Wall, Redneck Mother]
Kitty: Okay, you know what? Let's turn that off. [switches radio off]
Hyde: [To Red] Hey, I got Amy's phone number.
Red: Good for you, Steven.
Hyde: I hope she's still pretty tomorrow.
Kitty: Okay, you know what? Let's just turn that Redneck Mother song back on! [Gang resumes singing]

[Kitty is enraged that her friend Marcia is dating Fez]
Kitty: [making tequila from a blender] I can't believe Fez was seduced by that cradle-robbing slut. [hands the blender to Donna] You girls throw it around like football players, couldn't one of you have slept with him?
Donna: [drinking from the blender and giving it to Jackie] Mrs. Forman, you need to understand something. Fez is a deviant weirdo. We're just glad he is doing it with a person and not a couch a tree or my pillow.
Kitty: After all I have done for that boy, he has the nerve to say you're not my mother. If that's even what he said. Because...who can understand anything that comes out of that ungrateful marsh-mouth.
Jackie: [drinks] Wow. Fez and an older divorced woman. [hands the blender to Kitty] You know, if I were a divorced older woman, I would take everything from my ex-husband. SUFFER, YOU CHEATING BASTARD! Haa! Can't wait to be divorced.
Kitty: Well, if he doesn't want me mothering him, fine I'm done! Next Christmas, his stocking will not be hung by the chimney with care. It will be tossed in the garbage with...with...hair! [takes a sip] This place uses too much ice! [pours in the rest of the tequila]

[Kitty is enthusiastic that Red can finally stop taking heart pills]
Kitty: Well that is wonderful news. Oh and you know what this means? We can bring back fried cheese friday!
Red: It's not good news Kitty. I just bought a four month supply of heart pills I don't need now. That's 200 bucks down the crapper.
Hyde: Why don't you just sell 'em? You know, there's a seedy subculture that buys drugs for recreation... I saw one time on an after school special...
Kitty: Well you can't sell drugs, it's illegal. And it should be, because people shouldn't have easy access to addictive substances that dull their senses...[takes a bottle of gin and a glass] I will be in the bath.
Hyde:You know man, you can sell those pills.
Red: No I can't.
Hyde: Yes you can, you just have to find the right market.
Red: Well who the hell is gonna want a bunch of heart pills?
[Red and Hyde visit the Viking Lodge, an old man's hangout]
Hyde: Anybody here take procardiacs? [Men raise their hands] The doctor is in!

[Kitty is exasperated that Red is eating lasagna for lunch and his heart monitor does not sound the alarm despite the high cholesterol]
Kitty: I mean, what does it take to get that beeper going?
Pam: [walks in with Bob] Hi, Red. [Red's heart monitor beeps]
Red: Wow, that must be the lasagna kicking in!

[Kitty is sifting for records at Hyde and Angie's music store, Grooves]
Kitty: Steven, I can't believe you thought I'd like these Sex Pistols. [returns copy of Never Mind the Bollocks LP to Hyde]
Hyde: I'm sorry Mrs. Forman, [sighs] I'll make it up to you. Have you ever heard of a band called Judas Priest?
Kitty: Well that's what Judas needed, a priest [laughs and looks at record] Are they spiritual?
Hyde: I listen to them every Sunday.

[Kitty just told Red and Eric about Jackie's father being arrested for bribery]
Red: Well, I'm glad. That guy makes Republicans look like a bunch of crooks and greedy businessmen.
Eric: [sarcastically] Thank God for the honest ones like Richard Nixon, huh?
Red: What did you say?
Eric: Nixon was framed and Kennedy was a commie!
Red: That's right.