[Kitty suggests something for Hyde to do at a garage sale.]
Kitty: Oh, Steven, I have a great idea: you can sell lemonade.
Hyde: Mrs. Forman, I've thrown a lot of rocks at kids with lemonade stands... and Lord knows I hate a hypocrite!
Kitty: You could have a little bake sale.
Hyde: I'd pretty much beat up any kid selling anything.
Kitty: Steven, you could just do a little table with some cookies and some brownies..
Hyde: I'm not much of -- brownies. I could make brownies because [stands] people love brownies!
Eric: No, they DON'T.
Hyde: Oh, they love my brownies!

[Kitty talks to her mother about entering menopause]
Kitty: Did it hit you this hard too?
Bea Sigurdson: Did what, dear?
Kitty: Menopause.
Bea: Ohhh...I never had it.
Kitty: Mom, everybody has it.
Bea: Well, I've always been quite health-conscious. I told you to eat more vegetables!
Kitty: You cannot expect me to believe that you never went through menopause.
Bea: Well, I didn't.
Kitty: Yes, you did!
Bea: Well, it doesn't matter because it's not nice to talk about.
Kitty: Not everything that needs to be talked about has to be nice. Mom, why wouldn't you ever really talk to me?
Bea: I told you I liked your cookies! I'm gonna find your father. [leaves kitchen] BURT!

[Kitty, Red and the gang catches Eric and Donna having sex on the kitchen table]
Kitty: OH MY GOD!
Donna: Oh my God!
Hyde: Alright! It's Donna's butt!
Red: DAMN IT!! That's where I eat dinner!

[Laurie is telling Red and Kitty what she plans to do with her life.]
Laurie: But now, I have found my passion: Hair!
Kitty: The musical?
Laurie: No! HAIR! [Laurie grabs a handful of her hair.]
Laurie: I'm going to beauty school!
Kitty: This isn't something you do through the mail, is it?
Laurie: No! It's a real school!
Kitty: Oh. Well... yay!
Red: Congratulations, sweetheart!
[Laurie leaves in excitement.]
Red: Well, Kitty, what do you think?
Kitty: Eh.
Red: Yeah.

[Midge and Bob recites their vows]
Midge: Bob, I'm proud and very grateful to be your wife. [camera focuses on Donna and Eric, who are sitting across the aisle from each other, and Bob and Midge read the vows. Eric flashes Donna a smile and makes an ok sign]
Bob: We've known each other since we were practically kids.
Midge: So we know all the good stuff...
Bob: ...and all the not so good stuff about each other. [Donna and Eric stare at each other, as if the words Bob and Midge are speaking are really being spoken by them.]
Midge: I can't imagine feeling about anyone else the way I feel about you.
Bob: Because I love you. I always loved you. And I wanna make you a promise.
Midge: No matter what happens...
Bob: Good or bad...
Midge: I will always love you. [Donna mouths the same words to Eric at the same time]
Kitty: Awww!

[Midge returns]
Donna: Mom, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're here.
Midge: Well, there are times when a mother has to be there for her baby, like now and, I guess, when she's born.
Kelso: You know, Mrs. Pinciotti, in my younger days, I had quite the crush on you even though I knew nothing could ever happen. But now that I'm older, and I'm gonna be a father soon, if anything does happen, we gotta keep it quiet.
Jackie: [enters room] Steven, you're late. Where.. Midge! Hey.. what a surprise. Huh. I should probably return these earrings I didn't know were yours.
Bob: [walks in with Pam] Midge, what are you doing here?
Midge: I came to see Donna. Who's the amazon?
Bob: Oh, this is my, uh, friend.
Pam: "Friend"? I don't think so. Hi, I'm Pam, the best thing that ever happened to him.
Midge: I'm Midge, the second best thing that ever happened to him.
Donna: Dad, I invited her to stay with us.
Jackie: Your mom is staying with us?
Donna: No, your mom is staying with us.
Jackie: What about my mom?
Donna: Well, that's not my mom, that's your mom.
Bob: I'm confused. Who am I sleeping with?
Season 7

[Red alerts Kitty about Bob wearing a toupee]
Kitty: No hair?
Red: None...well, a little.
Kitty: Well what are we talking about here Red? Is it Ed Asner bald or Charlie Brown bald?
Red: Geez Kitty, I don't know. I barely looked.
Kitty: Ok I need a visual aid. [gets a Wooly Willy]
Red: It was so uncomfortable. I mean, a toupee is a pretty big lie, Kitty.
Kitty: Ok here, show me on Wooly Willy. [watches Red sketching] Uh huh, ok, uh huh [Red shakes the board so all the hair falls off Wooly Willy to show her the final product]
Kitty: [astonished] Really.

[Red and Bob are investigating the wine store when a kid tries to snitch on the party]
Sleazy Kid: You know, I may have heard something about a party? Can't recall, but maybe ... Andrew Jackson could remind me?
Bob: Andrew Jackson, huh? [Counts dollar bills] He's not in, but Abe Lincoln is hanging out with the Washington twins. I suppose they have knowledge of the festivities? [Red suddenly grabs the money]
Red: So, a real wiseguy, huh. Well, let's see how smart you are when I [gets closer to kid] SNAP OFF YOUR HEAD!
Sleazy Kid: Okay, okay, man! They said something about a ... a vacant house on Sherman.
Bob: I know that place. It's the vacant house on Sherman.
Red: Good work, Starsky. Let's roll.

[Red and Eric are summoned to testify about Earl's wrongful termination suit against Red]
Eric: I guess "violent" is the wrong word... but, you know, it's definitely some kind of rage. Although, I mean, you know, Earl had it coming. I love you, Daddy.
Earl: [enters room panting] Oh, hey. Sorry I'm late.
Mediator: Hour and 10 minutes late. I can only assume you're Earl.
Earl: Yeah. So, um, sorry. My, uh, dog got hit by a...a guy in a....
Red: Car?
Earl: Thanks, Red. So, what'd I miss?
Mediator: You missed everything. Okay. I'm not gonna lie. Mr. Forman, you...you scare the living hell out of me. No offense.
Red: None taken.
Eric: That's kind of his thing.
Mediator: But, Earl, in light of your failure to show up for your own hearing... we have no choice but to rule in favor of Mr. Forman.
Red: Yes, sir!
Eric: Way to go, Dad!
Earl: Damn... dog.
Mediator: And Mr. Forman, even though this hearing did go your way today...in light of some of your son's responses... I would strongly encourage you to go to anger management classes.
Red: Sure, I'll...I'll do that [Mediator leaves with Earl close behind]
Eric: Neat! Anger management. That sounds like it could be kind of fun, right? We...We won. Hey! You and me...We're such a good team. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah. We did it. How about us, huh? Stickin' it to the man.
Red: [obviously angry] I'll see you at home. [leaves room]
Eric: Wait. But, Dad, we...we drove here together!

[Red and Eric are trying role-playing to help lower Red's stress.]
Red: [imitating Eric] I'm just a skinny, smart-mouthed kid who always has something to say about everything!
Eric: [imitating Red] Well I wish I was an octopus, so I could put eight feet in eight different asses! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Red: [imitating Eric] Star Wars Star Wars, Star Wars!
Eric: [imitating Red] Dead Commies, dead Commies, dead Commies!

[Red and Eric have taken Kitty square dancing to make up for missing her birthday]
Eric: This is awful.
Donna: She made me waffles, now promenade you son of a bitch!

[Red and Eric talk about their breakups over beer]
Red: There were times that I thought I would never get over her, but time passed. I moved on, and then the day came when I didn't think about her as much, then a couple more days came along when I thought of her even less. Then one day I didn't think about her at all... and then that made me sad.
Eric: We've got a little Irish in us, don't we, Dad?
Red: Yes, we do.
Eric: It's just... hurts.
Red: Listen, I'm gonna give you a few days to pull yourself together. You could stay in bed, watch TV, whatever you need to do.
Eric: Thank you, Dad. Not that it matters, but... Donna didn't dump me. I broke up with her.
Red: Whatever you need to tell yourself to make it better.

[Red and Eric visit Rocky Johnson in his locker room]
Red: I wonder if you'd mind giving my son an autograph.
Manager: [cuts off Red] No, no autographs.
Red: Look, I might be the only guy in here who's actually killed a man.
Manager: Give the kid an autograph and then no more autographs.
Rocky Johnson: You know that's really nice, bringing your kid to a wrestling match. You know what, I got a son, and one day he's gonna become The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment!
Red: Yeah, well, good luck with that. Uh, wanna make that out to Red Forman.
Eric: No, no, I don't think so. It's Eric Forman, capital E-R-I-C.
Red: Yeah but see, his nickname is Red.
Eric: No, it's not.
Red: Stop kidding around, Red.

[Red and Kitty scold Eric, Hyde, Fez and Kelso after Red discovers the Circle]
Red: I can't believe that is what you idiots have been doing in my basement all these years! I wish I had 2,000 feet, so I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!
Kitty: I'm shocked. The basement door closes, and out come the lighters and the drugs, and I am sure Donna's bouncing around there without a bra! It's like Amsterdam down there!
Red: [to Fez]Did someone shove a vacuum up your nose and suck out your last and lonely brain cell?
[Fez pretends to grab Kitty's breast]
Kitty: What is going on in your head? I am so disappointed in you boys. And here I thought it was my dryer that made our clothes smell funny.
[Hyde tilts his head in a high stupor and drools at a Twinkie on the cabinet next to Red]
Red: Who taught you how to do this? Huh? Was it those damn Beatles? All you need is love? All you need is a job and a haircut!
[Red scolds Kelso and points to him]
Red: And you! [Kelso imagines Kitty's and Red's heads switching each other's bodies while high] Wipe that stupid smirk off you, dopey, dope-fiend face!
Kitty: Do you know what drugs do to you? They shrink your brain until one day you wake up, and you think you're superman and you can fly, and then you wind up jumping off the roof in your underpants.
Red: Oh, this idiot doesn't need drugs for that. He does that every Saturday. [Kelso laughs and nods] Well, this is the worst thing that you have ever done! Eric, I am gonna make you... I am going to... well, I can't think of anything worse than sending you to Africa. You're going to Africa!
Season 8

[Red and Kitty see a pajama-clad Eric appear for breakfast]
Red: Have you been in bed all day?
Eric: Yeah, I have. I've been reading the Jack Kerouac classic On The Road. See, as I see it, why get out of bed when you can read about people who got outta bed?
Red: You have got to be the laziest non-Communist I've ever met. And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote. It's called On The Road To In Your Ass.