[Red and Kitty talk to Eric after he turns down Donna's bid for a second chance.]
Red: Let me get this straight. Donna wanted to get back together... and you said No?
Eric: I said No.
Red: You said No!
Kitty: ... Dumbass!
Eric: Look, I have my reasons.
Kitty: [agitated] What could they be? What could they possibly be?
Eric: Casey dumps her, and she comes to me? OK, I'm not a rebound!
Red: So you're too proud to take her back? And what do you have to be so proud of? You're not an athlete, the only smart thing about you is your mouth... and just look at you!
Kitty: Red, he looks fine. He's just so darn stupid.
Season 5

[Red and Kitty talk to Eric over his masturbation]
Kitty: When you were a baby, you had your hands down your pants all the time. But that's okay, because it's natural. Red, tell him it's natural.
Red: What are you, an animal?
Kitty: But why wouldn't you lock the door?
Red: How could he lock the door when he's in there pawing himself like an animal?
Kitty: You know, some people get addicted and can't even hold down a job!
Red: If you can't get someone to do it for you, you do without. In Korea I went for two and a half years.
Eric: Dad, you were there for three. [Kitty looks at Red]
Red: What are you, an animal?

[Red and Kitty talk with Professor Stark, who wants to get Laurie in class again]
Red: So, what does she need to do to get back into school?
Professor Stark: Well, she'll have to work with me. Make a commitment...to school. She'll really have to buckle down.
Kitty: Hahahaha! Well what do you think Laurie, are you willing to give it a go?
Eric: Oh, huhuh, mother she's very willing. You know Dad, I just saw the most interesting thing today. In the garage.
Laurie: [thoughts] Burst into flames, burst into flames, BURST INTO FLAMES!
Eric: It was just...it was so surprising.
Hyde: Oh Eric, do tell!
Eric: I saw Laurie....
Stark: I'm in love with your daughter! [long pause; Red and Stark get up from the table and walk towards each other] Dad!
Red: That's it! Come here!! [Chases Stark out of the room]

[Red and Kitty try to sleep, but couldn't do it with Hyde and Samantha arguing at Laurie's room]
Hyde: Why the hell did you turn the TV on?!
Sam: To drown out your snoring!
Hyde: I was snoring to drown out your talking!
Kitty: [gets up] Okay. I can't put up with those two fighting anymore. It's like living with a couple of Italians! [leaves room]
Red: Oh yeah. We moved two fighting morons into an adjacent room and now we can't sleep. Who could have seen this coming...

[Red berates Eric over kissing Kate]
Red: Donna's such a sweet kid. How could you do this to her?
Eric: I don't know. It's like bad things always happen to me, like I have bad luck or something.
Red: [slowly] Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you ... is because you're a dumbass. Now fix it!

[Red complains to the Fatso Burger manager, Ricky about the food served to him]
Ricky: May I help you, sir?
Red: Yeah. I wanna compliment you on one tasty, fried piece of shoe.
Ricky: Let me take care of this right now. Earl!
Red: Oh, no. Did you say Earl?
Ricky: Just one second.
Earl: [walk out of kitchen] Ricky, I'm glad you called me. I need to leave early for a - [sees Red] Oh. Hi, Red.
Ricky: You two know each other?
Earl: I used to work for Red. Then he fired me.
Ricky: Oh. Then he and I have something in common. You're fired!
Earl: What did I do?
Red: Hey, Bob. Job just opened up for you.

[Red dreams of winning the canoe competition at the Battle of the Network Stars]
Kelso: [as announcer] And the canoeing champion for this year's Battle of the Network Stars is...Red Forman!
Jamie Farr: My team! [presents trophy to Red]
Red Forman: Thanks, Jamie Farr, and I'd like to give a special thanks to Ed Asner. Ed, thanks for paddling your canoe like a girl. Where's your spunk now, you big pansy? [laughs holding trophy high]

[Red faces Hyde in the basement over him tapping to the cable TV]
Red: What the hell's the matter with you? Stealing my cable!!
Hyde: Red, before you blow your stack, why don't you take a look at the carwash girl? She is so sudsy.
Red: You drilled a hole in my floor. My foot is about to drill a hole in your ass!
Hyde: Red, the carwash girls have to make 500 dollars, or their super-freaky love nest is gonna turn into a bookstore.
Red: Look there's only one clicker, and it's upstairs. My cable, my channel! [walks back up]

[Red fantasizes a scene in the manner of a soap opera]
Announcer: And now, another episode of Point Place.
Red: My god Kitty. What have I become?
Kitty: I don't know. You're not the man I married! And I'm not Kitty.
Red: [faces her] What are you saying?
Kitty: I am Kitty. But I am leaving you for Dr. Cloak. Or should I say, [faces camera] Eric's real father.
Red: But why?
Kitty: He has a job. What do you have, Red Forman? What do you have?
Red: [dramatically bites his fist] I've got nothing. [Kitty cries] Dear God. Will I ever work again? [puts his face in his hands, sobs, and peers through his fingers.]
[Cuts to Red sitting in the kitchen, Kitty enters]
Kitty: Penny for your thoughts.
Red: Well, one thing I'm thinkin' - I've gotta stop watchin' the damn soaps.

[Red gets season tickets for the Packers.]
Kitty: Red, I don't wanna move. [Red is nonplussed] I was gonna tell you, but ever since we decided to move, you've been so happy and smiling and you're never that way except for when you kill a deer... Red, this is my home. I don't wanna leave.
Red: [holds Kitty's hand] Kitty, we don't have to go anywhere. I don't care where I live, as long as I am with you.
Kitty: Really?
Red: [softly] Of course. [Kitty hugs him from behind.] I love you.
Kitty: Oh, I love you, too.
Red: I was talking to the tickets.

[Red has admitted getting Eric's Candy Land money stash to buy a new water heater]
Red: Okay Eric, I'm sorry I took your money...while I clothe you, and feed you, and put a roof over your head. Soooorry.

[Red has just witnessed something he'd never thought he'd see in his life - Eric fighting someone, specifically, a Packers fan dissing Eric for supporting the Bears]
Red: Ooh! Eric's in a fight! No one's here! No one's gonna believe me! Why didn't I bring my camera?

[Red is asked to make a birthday wish on his night out with Kitty. Bob and Midge are also present, with their own dates]
Red: Riiight. Now I'm gonna eat this steak, but first, I'm gonna make a birthday wish. Here it is: I wish everyone would shut up!

[Red is doused with oatmeal because of a botched prank on Kelso]
Eric: Dad, this is just a prank that's gone wrong. Horribly...horribly wrong!
Red: Well, I have a prank too...one where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go [gets closer to Eric] horribly, HORRIBLY... WRONG!

[Red is having a heart attack because Fez and Laurie broke the news of their marriage]
Fez: Hang on, Dad.
Red: Kitty?
Kitty: Yes, Red?
Red: If I don't make it, kill the foreigner!
Season 6