[Red is making good progress with his barbecue war against Bob]
Kitty: Well, we've gone through three batches of Ambrosia salad.
Red: Three batches! Not since D-Day has there been such a complete and glorious victory. [laughs. Donna approaches] Oh uh, hi Donna.
Donna: Well I hope you're all happy, cause you ruined my Dad's barbecue. All he wanted was one more good day before everybody found out that his store was closing and he's going bankrupt.
Eric: [surprised] Wait? What?
Donna: Yeah, Bargain Bob's is closing this week so....congratulations. [walks away]
Eric: Oh my God, I feel so bad.
Red: Well you should, you ruined his barbecue. Why would you do that?
Eric: Wha...me? You coulda, you -
Red: Eric, for God's sakes, the man is almost a veteran.
Eric: Ok, fine. You know what. Fine, it's all my fault. But Dad you, you gotta make everyone here go next door.
Kitty: Eric, you're right. We have got to go over there. They are our neighbors, they are our best friends.
Red: Yeah, I suppose. [addresses guests] All right freeloaders, let's move it on over to Bob's! [everyone starts to leave] Eric, grab that keg.
Eric: Ok, I'm on it. [tries to carry but the keg wouldn't budge]

[Red is not pleased that Kitty's serving tea]
Red: This is America. We bomb countries that drink tea.
Kitty: Well, that's because coffee keeps us awake all night, and since we're in such a bad mood, we have to bomb someone. [doorbell rings] Ooh, I bet that's Jackie's mom.
Red: [stands up and heads for door] I still don't think we should get involved in this. As far as I'm concerned this is between Jackie and her ditzy wretch of a mom. [opens door and sees Pam Burkhart played by Brooke Shields]
Pam Burkhart: Hi, you must be Red, I'm Pam Burkhart, Jackie's mom.
Red: [taken aback at Pam's beauty] It's Pam.

[Red is pleased with Eric's new job at Joanne's dog food factory]
Red: Look at you. You got that great dog food job now. And plenty of dog food money comin' in. I mean ... you two are happy, right?
Donna: Very happy.
Eric: Yes.
Red: Of course you are. And that's why I've changed my mind. This promising new career in dog food has convinced me ... that you two are mature enough to get married.
Eric: Wha-Are, are you serious?
Red: Absolutely! Hey! Let's get you happy kids hitched as soon as possible! Like next week!
Donna: Next week? Wow that's, that's really soon.
Eric: Yeah, well sooner than we thought. We were thinkin' like ... someday.
Donna: Yeah, yeah someday. That's good.

[Red is teaching American history to Fez so he can pass the INS greencard exam]
Red: What was President Dwight D. Eisenhower's greatest achievement?
Fez: He led the Allies to victory in World War II and sent those jack-booted Nazi bastards home to cry in their sauerkraut.
Red: I didn't understand a word you said, but I heard "Nazi bastards" and that's good enough for me.

[Red joins Hyde in the basement. Hyde is watching a football game and drinking soda]
Red: Hey Steven. Where's your beer?
Hyde: What? Me, beer?
Red: Kitty threw away all my beer, the Packers are down by 11, you're 18, I know you have beer, so where's your beer? [Hyde removes the outer part of the soda can, revealing beer.] I don't want used beer.
Hyde: Well I might have a couple of fresh ones in the shower. [Red opens the curtain to reveal about 15 cases of beer] Yeah I'm running low, I should probably hit the store. [Red takes a six pack and sits down to watch the game with Hyde.]

[Red scolds Eric on picking up boxes]
Red: Eric, bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm gonna-
Eric: [as he logs the boxes in a clipboard] -kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah yeah yeah...

[Red sees Leo at the door of the Forman house. Knowing that Leo likes Kitty, he is not pleased to see him]
Red: Listen, hophead! I love that woman with a FIERY PASSION...that consumes my soul! That's right. So you can either walk out of here on your own, or you can hop out of here with my foot in your ass!

[Red serves Kitty's lasagna to Eric, Hyde, Kelso, and Fez]
Red: [enters dining room] Ah good, all the half-wits are here. I wanted to let you know that I'm going to get you. You won't know where, and you won't know when. But it will hurt. And you will cry. And I will laugh. And...did I mention it will hurt? Very good.

[Red summons Eric over the 'Vette]
Eric: Um, you wanted to see me?
Red: Did you take my car out last night?
Eric: No.
Red: I know you didn't. Guess how I know! I stuck a hair across the ignition.
Eric: A hair acro... You know, someday I'm gonna use that on my son.
Red: Anyway, since I know I can trust you, I'm gonna let you drive it.
Eric: I finally get to drive it? Wow! Okay, uh, where does the key go?
Red: Start her up.
Eric: Okay [starts the car, but the radio blares loud rock. He turns the car off] And I'm grounded.
Red: For a month! Why did you do it?
Eric: To impress this cheerleader.
Red: No kidding? ... Well, then make it two weeks. So uh, you gonna see her again?
Eric: Well, can I have the car again?
Red: Ohh, she's that girl. I know that girl. Stay away from that girl.
Hyde: [calling out from the kitchen] Hey, Forman, your mom wants to talk to you. She wants to know why you drank all of Red's beer.
Eric: You know what? Let's just call it a month.

[Red talks to Kelso in the garage over his relationship with Laurie]
Red: What you want to do is fly in under my radar, so that if I don't see you and Laurie together, or even mention her name in the same breath, I might just forget that you even exist, got it?
Kelso: Yeah, so if you mean me and Laurie -
Red: Oh no, now, you just mentioned my daughter's name.
Kelso: Ok, so if Kelso and your daughter -
Red: No no, see...that's not gonna work either.
Kelso: This is hard, Red!
Red: Yeah, you're gonna be here 'till you get it right, Kelso!
Kelso: Okay Red, but eventually my parents are gonna come looking for me.
Red: [threatening voice] Yeah, but they're not gonna find ya! Oh, that's another joke. Come on laugh, Kelso! [Kelso begins to cry]

[Red talks to Kitty over her reading The Joy of Sex]
Red: Kitty, we don't need The Joy Of Sex.
Kitty: Well, why not? It's not dirty. This book...it doesn't even have photographs, just sketches.
Red: But they're so detailed. They draw in every single part. And it's not to scale.
Kitty: [browses book] Oh, here's a fun idea. Ahahaha! Okay. Instead of throwing away our old dish towels, we can use them as blindfolds and play a sexy bedroom version of Marco Polo. Ahahahaha! Oh, come on. Don't you want to be one of those fun, older couples?
Red: Kitty, I want us to grow old and withdraw into ourselves.
Eric: [enters kitchen] Hey, what's for lunch?
Kitty: Well, I was thinking of making something, but that would mean I would have to look at a cookbook, and I don't like to learn new things from books.
Eric: Yeah, so is lunch off or, uhm... I mean, what's the lay of the lunch land here?
Red: I don't see why I have to read a book on bodily functions. I've never read a book on eating, yet I'm extremely well fed.
Eric: But I'm not. Could I, like... seriously, like a sandwich or...
Kitty: Well, you know what? Nobody is eating unless you give this book a try. Until then I quit cooking! [leaves]
Eric: [to Red] - I can't believe that I'm saying that, but please make kinky sex with my mother!

[Red, Kitty, and Eric confront Hyde for letting Jackie sleep over in the basement. Eric is in a makeshift toga.]
Red: Who the hell do you think you are? Bringing a girl into my house in the middle of the night.
Kitty: And right in our basement. We keep our Christmas decorations down there. Baby Jesus was watching.
Hyde: Told you to look where you were goin'.
Jackie: Well what idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?
Eric: You knocked over my Space Command Center? I spent three hours building that.
Red: Alright. Now what is going on in my basement?
Hyde: Jackie's been sleeping here the last couple of weeks.
Kitty: Couple of weeks. This is not the Playboy Mansion you know.
Hyde: Look, nothing was going on.
Eric: Nothing was going on? Umm, space command centers were ruined!
Red: Would you please go put some pants on? This is where I eat.

[Red, Kitty, and the gang gets to know Hyde's real father]
Red:: So William? What kind of work do you do?
William Barnett: I own a chain of record stores.
Hyde: Record stores...That's cool, huh? I was afraid you where gonna be a cop or something?
Barnett: I don't like cops.
Hyde: I don't like cops either...Hey, who do you think shot JFK?
Barnett: I don't know because they [points up] don't want me to know.

[Red, Kitty, Bob and Joanne are playing Monopoly in the Formans' basement when the tornado is called off. Red folds up the Monopoly board.]
Red: Call it a tie!
Bob: A tie? We had all the money!
Red: We had the "Get Out of Jail Free" card! And you can't put a price on freedom, Bob.

[Red, Kitty, Donna, and Kelso find Eric's Vista Cruiser, abandoned]
Kelso: Okay, we're gonna use my Police Academy training to figure out what happened here ... first thing I'm gonna need is for everyone to lie face down with your hands behind your head.
Kitty: What if he stopped to take a picture and he got kidnapped by white slavers? They're gonna kill him, he can't do anything!
Red: I told him this was a stupid idea and now were stuck out here in the middle of nowhere ... my foot is shaking it wants to kick his ass so bad. [Kitty shakes head]
Donna: [walks to Kitty and Red] I never should have let Eric go on this trip ... I should have tempted him into staying home by offering him sex [Kitty and Red look at her] ... I mean, scrabble.
Kitty: Oh, look, if my baby being safe depended on you being loose, I wouldn't have to worry [Donna's eyes open wide]
Kelso: [after analyzing car] Okay, I think it's obvious [stands] what happened to Eric ... [points around] we got an abandoned car, a flat tire, and footprints heading off in that direction. Mrs. Forman, your son's been kidnapped by coyotes. [Donna, Kitty, and Red are not satisfied with his analysis]
Red: Isn't it more likely that he had a flat tire, couldn't change it himself and went off to find some help.
Kelso: And the coyotes got him along the way. Yeah, now you're thinking like a cop.