[Jackie visits Kelso at a beach-theme photoshoot, where the photographer directs him]
Photographer: Great, OK, the ball's your best friend, give it a big smile. Great. Now you're mad at the ball. Oh, I hate you bad, ball. Great.
Kelso: [sees Jackie] Oh, didn't expect to see you here.
Jackie: Well, I didn't expect to come. But, I did a lot of thinking and I...
Kelso: No, wh-what is it now. You want me to drop out of high school, join the Salvation Army, and go off and fight wars?
Jackie: I came here to talk to you about your modeling and...
Kelso: Yeah, Jackie, I don't have time for it right now. It just isn't important. Sound familiar. Alright then, you should go now.
Jackie: B-But.
Photographer: OK. Hey, let's build a sandcastle. Oh, and get your favorite thing in the whole world. Hey, some jerk just kicked it over, boo-hoo-hoo. Great.
Jackie: Todd, what are you doing here?
Todd: I saw you fighting with Michael. I thought there might be a problem. Even though I really hope there's not a problem. Is there a problem?
Jackie: Yeah, I think so.
Todd: Well, you know what would make you feel better? Coming to see a movie with me.
Jackie: You know what? Yeah. Yeah, let's go.

[Jackie's been taking revenge on Fez for turning her down, and he has planned a counterstrike in their apartment's shower]
Hyde: Fez, if this is the ex-lax prank, I'd rather hear about it then see it.
Fez: No it's better. And she's turning the shower off.. she's getting out...look at herself in the mirror and... [Jackie screams, goes out of the shower with her hair dyed green]
Jackie: FEZ!
Fez: Ho ho ho Green Jackie!
Jackie: Fez, you completely ruined my hair!
Fez: You destroyed my car!
Jackie: I had every right to destroy your car, you turned me down!
Fez: You turned me down like a million times and I never did anything!
Hyde: Actually I remember a lot of crying.
Fez: Yes I cried, because I have feelings, unlike you Jackie.
Jackie: Oh, huhuh. I have feelings. And they told me to buy a bottle of spray paint and tell the whole world that you have a tiny-
Fez: IT'S NORMAL SIZED! Well you know what, I'm glad I turned you down, because you are a mean, bitter girl. And now, you're ugly on the outside like you are ugly on the inside.
Hyde: Holy crap man, cover your nipples!
Jackie: I can't believe that's what you really think of me.
Fez: Well it is.
Jackie: Fine. I'll just go pack up my things and get out of your life. [returns to her room]
Hyde: Damn man, that was harsh.
Fez: Yeah. Must have been my Jamaican fire.
Hyde: So...you're from Jamaica?
Fez: No, Jamaican Fire. It's my new cologne.

[Jackie, Fez, and Randy scour Donna's room for ideas on a birthday gift. Jackie checks out Donna's diary]
Jackie: Oh my God Fez, listen to what Donna wrote, it's from a few weeks ago: "Hyde hired this new guy Randy at the record-store. And he's really cute." Donna thinks Randy is cute! Can you believe this?!
Fez: Jackie you shouldn't be reading that! [takes the diary and puts it in a drawer] It's a complete invasion of privacy. [fidgets with her mirror] Oh if I get just the right angle on this mirror...I can see Donna when she sleeps...

[Kelso and Eric are trying to read the number on Eric's hand}]
Kelso: 72936.... ampersand?
Eric: Oh yeah maybe. I'm not really sure how to dial that though.
Kelso: You just [points to phone] ...oh man me neither.

[Kelso and Fez talk about Hyde]
Kelso: I still can't believe our little Hyde went off and married a Las Vegas stripper.
Fez: Yeah. Now we have to get him a present. What says "congratulations on your wedding and I want to nail your wife"?
Kelso: Oooooooh we should get him one of those big electric knives! Those suckers will cut right through your hand.

[Kelso continues to write his song and practice the chords]
Kelso: "I didn't mean to cheat, but she forced me. Downright coerced me." [pauses] That's kinda good. [writes lyrics]
Eric Forman: Man, I just asked her (Donna) for a root beer.
Fez: You tried to control her Eric, and the women always controls the men.
Kelso: That's true.
Eric: Donna does not control me!
Fez: Oh Eric, you have so much to learn, my friend.
Kelso: I wish Jackie was still controlling me. I love being on a short leash. [pauses, and strums guitar again] "Put the SHORT LEASH BACK ON ME!"
Eric: Kelso, uh, let me see that for a second. [picks up guitar and smashes it on table]
Kelso: [laughs] You know that was kind of funny, that was your guitar. [pauses] BURN!

[Kelso gives Jackie an early Valentine's Day present out of his earnings from being a sperm donor. She doesn't know the source of the income]
Jackie: [sees earrings] Oh my God, Michael. These earrings are gorgeous.
Hyde: Big day at the office?
Kelso: Yeah, I worked a double shift.

[Kelso hitches a ride on a truck.]
Gus: Well, hello there!
Kelso: Hey, thanks for stopping. Are you going all the way to Alpine Valley?
Gus: Oh, I'm going... wherever you're going!
Kelso: Wow, that's lucky!
Gus: So, did it hurt?
Kelso: What?
Gus: When you fell down from heaven!
Kelso: No, I'm fine!

[Kelso introduces a fellow cadet to the gang]
Kelso: Hey, guys. This is my co-cadet at the police academy, Suzy Simpson. Simpson, these are my friends. Take a good look, 'cause you'll probably be arresting some of them in the future.
Suzy Simpson: You're right. This one [points to Hyde] looks like the guy in the "What Drugs Can Do To You" filmstrip.
Hyde: You're a cop, huh. You kinda looked like a cop. You look kinda giggly.
Kelso: Look, alright. Simpson needed to get me a ride home 'cause I sprayed myself with mace to see what it would feel like.
Eric: Hey, so Suzy, which Charlie's Angels is your favorite? The brainy one? The sporty one? Or the one that just can't find a bra? Mine's the one that just can't find a bra.
Suzy: Charlie's Angels are an embarrassment to the badge. No real cop would last a day dressed like those sluts.
Jackie: Hey, those sluts are my heroes.
Kelso: Hey, thanks for giving me a ride, Simpson.
Suzy: We back up our own.
Kelso and Suzy: Point! Place! Police! Court! Freeze! Said Freeze!

[Kelso is angry at Eric and Donna for not telling him about Hyde and Jackie]
Kelso: I can't believe that you knew that Jackie and Hyde were together and you didn't tell me.
Eric: We...barely knew.
Donna: Yeah, we knew, but we were in denial because it's so unnatural.
Eric: Like radioactive spiders.
Kelso: Well, that's true. It's just, how could Hyde do this to me?
[Kitty and Fez walk down the stairs.]
Kitty: Uh-oh, sounds like he knows.
Fez: Finally.
Kelso: What, your mom knew?! And Fez?! Fez never knows anything!

[Kelso is going through Red's tools to find a saw to cut down a street sign the gang wants to give to Hyde for his birthday]
Kelso: [As Red comes up behind him] Red! You're probably wanting to know why I'm looking through your stuff. [Red stares at Kelso menacingly] Ok, see I needed to borrow your saw because I needed to chop down a tree. [Red looks unconvinced] Because there's something stuck in it- an animal- a rabbit.[Pause] There's a rabbit stuck in a tree and I want to return that rabbit to the wild, so it can lay it's eggs.
Red: [After staring at Kelso]: Kelso, rabbits don-[Eric and Donna come in through the back door to get the saw] How the hell did a rabbit get up in a tree?!
Kelso: Um... Eric threw it up there. [Eric stares at Kelso in surprise]
Red: [Angrily] Eric threw a rabbit in a tree!
Kelso: Yeah. He's a sadistic bastard. [Eric stares at Kelso in shock] You know he hit a cow once? [Eric lunges toward Kelso, but Donna pulls him back. They leave through the back door with the saw.]

[Kelso is insisting on firing his hunting rifle while in Red's car on the way to a hunting lodge]
Kelso: I have a right to bear arms, that's in the Constitution!
Fez: Well Kelso, not everything in the Constitution makes sense.
Eric: Whoa, Fez, shut up.
Red: [overhears remark] What did you say?
Fez: Nothing.
Red: [grumbles] Foreigners...

[Kelso joins WFPP's contest, where a van is at stake]
Kelso: Oh-ho, man! Oh, I hope I win this van. I really need a place to do it with Jackie.
Max: Okay. Listen up everybody. The rules are simple. You place one hand on the van. If you remove your hand for any reason, you're out. Last person to remove his hand wins the van. Any questions? [A guy lifts his hand from the van to stick it up] You're out. Any other questions?
Daniel: [cuts in] Don't start without me, Max.
Max: Oh God.
Daniel: [walking up to Bob and Kelso] Hello. My name is Daniel and I have won every WFPP contest since the Weber Gas Grill Trampoline Bounce of 1972. I am unbeatable, so the choice is yours: joy or despair...pleasure or pain...life...or death. [spits in his hand and slams it on the van] I am Daniel! And I cannot be beaten.

[Kelso just hit a police car]
Fez: I cannot believe you hit a police car.
Kelso: Nah, don't worry. It's a hot lady cop. Yah, just watch the master.
Officer Debbie: License and registration.
Kelso: Yeah, just give me a sec here. My wallet gets stuck ��cause I've been workin' out. My leg muscles are huge. Oh boy. By the way, I can bench about 220 so that'd be about - two of you little lady.
Officer Debbie: What's your name?
Fez: Oh my name is Fez, but I have a girlfriend so you need to cool it little girl.
Officer Debbie: Yeah, I'll try. Okay Mr. Kelso, I'm gonna issue you a citation. [gives Kelso a ticket]
Kelso: Wooh, a citation for bein' too foxy in a school zone.
Officer Debbie: No. A citation for 64 dollars. Bench press that.

[Kelso leaves with Laurie]
Hyde: No offense, Mrs. Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever.