Peg: [awakens from her sugar coma] Mom, I had the most horrible dream: I was married to a shoe salesman.

Peg: [thinking] Poor Al. He's having such a miserable day. Gee, I hope he doesn't realize this jacket cost $200
Al: [thinking] My record is going to hell. No one will remember me, and my wife is wearing a $200 jacket.

Peg: Al, nobody wants to peep me. Hold me!
Al: Well nobody wants to hold you either.

Peg: Honey, take a picture of me so you can remember me when I was beautiful.
Al: What, you're gonna get worse?

Peg: How long do you think it will take them?
Al: Well, it took us 40 minutes to get here one way & knowing how Kelly drives, they should be there & back in about 8 minutes.

Peg: I didn't marry a happy man.
Al: No, you did, Peg. You just turned him into me.

Peg: I swear that he is more in love with that toilet than he is with me.
Marcy: Oh, of course he is not.
Al: Hey, Peg [hugs the toilet]. Daddy loves you. Daddy loves you.
Peg: What does that toilet have that I don't?
Al: A job.

Peg: Okay Al, let's go over this one more time. What do you work as?
Al: Garbageman.
Peg: How often do we do we make love?
Al: Five times a year.
Peg: It's five times a week, Al.
Al: Oh, come on, Peg, no one's going to believe that.
Peg: I'm not asking you to do it. Just say it. Okay, now, how many children have we got?
Al: None.

Peg: What's wrong with you getting a second job?
Al: Peg, let me state this as clearly as I can. I would rather rip off my nose with a can opener. I would rather bob for apples in a sewer. I would rather have a catheter the size of a garden hose before I get another job to pay for your shopping.

Peggy: Steve and Marcy throw a nice party, don't they?
Al: Well, it would have been nicer if we were actually invited. You know, Peg, I didn't like those people very much. Bunch of boring bankers. They just kept staring at me.
Peggy: Well, you did overflow the toilet and not tell anyone.
Al: I don't tell anyone when I do it here! But you gotta give me credit. I did try to liven things up!
Peggy: You know, I don't think a bankers' party is the right place to stand on the buffet and yell "Hey, let's wet down the wives' T-shirts and rate their hooters!"

Steve: [stands up, clears his throat and goes to the jurors] Hello, everyone! Anyhow, my wife and I and Peggy and Al Bundy went to the Hop-On Inn to indulge in a little clean marital fun. On separate occasions, of course. During the course of our wholesome bliss, our romantic activities, the reaffirmation of the love we share, and... whatever the Bundys were doing... our conjugal privacy was invaded. Yes, we were violated by video cameras! [Marcy hides her face behind her hand.] But first I think you should hear some background that I believe is germane to this case. My grandfather came to this country, poor man...
[Minutes go by.]
Steve: Then, in World War II, my uncle Nick wiped out more Nazi dogs with venereal disease...

Steve: I happen to love my wife, Al. Oh, God. What am I going to tell Marcy? What am I going to tell Marcy? What if she leaves me? Who'll have me? A bald banker. Did you ever see a bald guy flirt? It's pathetic. What's my fate, Al? To stand in a singles bar with a sign that says "Please"?

Steve: You know what we say at the bank: when opportunity knocks, that's us foreclosing.

Al deduces what the reason for Peggy's big checks are
Al: Peg, why did you not sell the cosmetics?
Peg: Well, my friends decided they were not as good as other cosmetics.
Al: OK, fine. So why in the world would you buy off yourself?
Peg: To get the commission checks!
Al gives strained look of rage
Al: You see Peg, when you buy off yourself you get less coming in than what you owe. In the shoe business lingo we call that...SENDING YOUR HUSBAND ROCKETING TO THE POORHOUSE! How much do you owe?
Peg{sheepishly}: Minus the commission checks?
Al: Yes, Peg.
Peg: $627.
Al{sternly}: Well, looks like we will have to keep up the part-time job until the debt is retired.
Scene shifts to Burger Trek. An improperly-wrapped hamburger is sent out a chute to a customer's tray
Captain: Did not make the noise, Bundy!
Kitchen. Peg is now working at Burger Trek instead of Al
Peg{on microphone}: Whoosh!

Al is long haired
Al: You think I want this? Do you think I appreciate old guys in granny glasses asking me if I like the new Grateful Dead album? That is the problem with everything. They try and make it better without realizing the old is fine. They take away the pinball machine...bring in the video game. I do not care if a monkey can make it to the top of a building...unless he was going up there to defenestrate his wife! I do not want a hair salon, I want the barber pole, I want the dog in the corner, I want my hair cut by a man who likes girls but not women.
Al caves in
Al: Hopefully, wherever they buried Tony, they buried him face down so he wouldn't have to see my shame. 'Cause Al Bundy... is going to get washed... and blown.