[Al is fitting a pair of shoes to a fat woman named Enid.]
Enid: See, I told you I was a four.
Al: No ma'am, fore is what you when the shoe pops off your foot. Are we finished here?
Enid: Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.
Al: I'll teel you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror, I'll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell "Moo" and I'll stop.
Enid: That's it, I'm taking my business elsewhere.
Al: May I suggest Jenny Craig.

[Al is going into the basement.]
Al: Say "cheese." Hello! [fires twice with his rifle]

[Al is trying to fit shoes to three fat women.]
Fat Woman: They don't fit and your ad says we fit every foot.
Al: Yes ma'am, but what our problem is what we're dealing with is not what Webster meant by feet. Now let's face it girls, what we got here are rib roast with nails. Now what I suggest is surrounding your toosties with those brown potatoes, wrapped in foil and served with dry white.
[The fat women are insulted and leave.]

[Al tries to bribe Miss DeGroot with a doughnut.]
Miss DeGroot: Could it be that you don't have the $2000? Could it be that I was correct when I made an educated guess that you would fail in life?
Al: Could it be that the nails that hold your chair together are from the planet Krypton?

[Bud and Kelly has just came home from working in the shoe store.]
Bud: A fat woman came into the shoe store today.
Kelly: And Bud still looked up her dress.

[Everyone but Al is singing "You Are My Sunshine."]
Peg: Just the boys.
Bud and Uncle Irwin: Please don't take my sunshine away.
Peg: Just the girls.
Kelly and Uncle Otto: You'll never know, dear...

[Flashback to the next one a fat girl name Penelope.]
Penelope: With this attitude, you're gonna be working here for the rest of your life.
Al: Well take a gander in the seat next to you if you want to see what your future looks like.
[Penelope looks at her mother, overweight and offended at Al]
Fat Woman: Come Penelope, let's go someplace where the treat us with respect.
Al: I'd try the Moon, you'll weigh less there.

[Flashback to where Al was fitting a pair of shoes to a fat woman named Enid]
Al: Are we finished here?
Enid: Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.
Al: I'll tell you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror, I'll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell "Moo" and I'll stop.
Enid: That's it, I'm taking my business elsewhere.
Al: May I suggest Jenny Craig.

[Jefferson has just came into the Bundy house with sweats on, covering a toilet seat stuck to butt.]
Jefferson: Mark my words, Al. As soon as I can sit down and think of something, you will pay.
[Al, Bud and Kelly laughs at Jefferson as he tries to exit the Bundy Home.]
Season 11

[Jefferson, Marcy, and Peg are trying to guess the song Al is humming.]
Marcy: "Itsy-Bitsy Spider"?
Al: No.
Jefferson: "Go Tell Pharaoh"?
Al: No! This is a song from my youth.
Peg: "Look, It's a Wheel"?

[Kelly tells Al about her upcoming slumber party.]
Al: You're not having a slumber party. I'm still having flashbacks from the last one you had.
Kelly: Daddy, I was eight years old.
Al: But the judge wanted to try you as an adult.

[Marcy and Steve are impersonating the Bundys on the TV game show]
Steve: So, you stole our mail and our names, huh?
Peg: How'd you find out?
Steve: Your kids sold you out for a square meal.
[Kelly and Bud are shown in the TV studio audience munching on junk food]

[Marcy has just broken up Steve and Jefferson's fight]
Steve: He's your husband?! Were you soo depressed that you married this? Whoa, the desperation.
Jefferson: This is the mighty Steve?! The one you used to throw in my face. The one who wasn't much too look at but at least he had a job.
Steve:[offended] Oh you gigolos make me sick. You thik just because a man divorces his wife, you can move right in and marry her. Well, I'm back! So you can pack up your hair and profile and find some another heartbroken, discarded middle-aged woman to marry. And leave us decent folk to our happy home.
Jefferson: Pardon me, Yogi. You're not wanted here anymore. Marcy's got a real man now.

[Peg has just given Al a gift of herself in a negligee.]
Peg: So tell me, Al, what do you really think.
Al: Well I think you look....
Al's Wife-O-Meter: I think you look.... A. Old. Consequences: Groin pull, suffers slight head trama. (Buzzer) B. Good After 10 Beers. Consequences: Groin pull, suffers severe head trauma. (Buzzer) C. Beautiful. Consequences: Groin pull after failure to keep a straight face. (Buzzer) D. Nice. Consequences: Meaningless compliment accepted. Meaningless marriage continues. (Right answer bell)
Al: Nice.

[Peg misses the $10,000 free throw.]
Al: Aw, now, Peg. You gave it your best shot.
Peg: You mean you're not disappointed, Al?
Al: Disappointed, Peg? It's the only way it could be. I wanted it, I needed it, I deserved it. How else could it have turned out?
Peg: So it's your fault?
Al: From the minute I said "I do."