Jefferson: Stay cool. Our lives are in your feet.
Peg: That's why life stinks.

Kelly: [answering machine message] Hi, you've reached Kelly. Please leave a message at the tone. If you're a girl calling for Bud: Hi, Mom.

Kelly: [on phone] Hello, Reverend Feltcher. Has Hell frozen over? Well something's up. My brother Bud has a date! Yes, Bud! Okay, yes, church is the place to be at times like this. Okay, I'll be right down. It's the building with the big T on the roof, right? [Puts down phone and runs out the front door]
==

Kelly: [while practicing tap dancing] Nerd-geek-dweeb, duh-weeb-nerd-dork!

Kelly: A fat woman comes to the gate today. Her muumuu covering what must have been three or four heinies. Now she could exit through an itty-bitty turnstile or a huge gate. Guess which one she chooses. A line was forming. So I went and got a tub of butter from the Delta Burke "Let's Get Big" exhibit and oiled her up. Then I went over to Star Trek Land, hotwired the Enterprise and sent it up where no man has gone before. She goes flying like a vegetable out of Dad's mouth, right into "The Facts of Life" fan club pavilion. Thank God it's always empty. Can somebody give me a reason to live?

Kelly: All right, who put this ad in the paper? "Cheap blonde, 16, looks 30, seeks job out of state. No reading or writing, please"?!

Kelly: Bud, look at yourself. Face the ugly truth. They don't have woods deep enough to grow the kind of girls that would be willing to date you. I mean, maybe you're aiming too high. You know, a live girl. See, your problem is, you've got caviar taste and a pizza face. Aim a little lower. Hey, logs can't run away! And then there's the dead. You know, a girl who's been dead long enough might even think that you're a good catch. Hey, I know: how about a nice department store mannequin? I mean, they're used to being undressed by sexless boys.
Bud: Thanks for the help, Bleached Blanket Bimbo.
Kelly: They may call me bimbo, but at least they call me.

Kelly: Bud, Mom and Dad are coming home tommorrow. Is there any way I talk you into taking full balme for this?
Bud: Sure. You can find me a woman who wont say no.
Kelly: So there's no way then.

Kelly: Daddy might have been able to look me in the eye and break when the police brought me home at 2:00 in the morning, but I am not 11 any more.

Kelly: Daddy, can't we do this after we get ice cream?
Al(after a beat): Kelly, we already got ice cream and we're home. Get out of the car.
(Kelly gets out.)
Kelly: I didn't get any.
(Al sighs)
Al: Kelly, get back in the car.
(Al looks under the hood)
Kelly (to Bud): Bud, did you get ice cream?
Bud (offhand): Uh, yeah, Kel. It was great.
Kelly (pouting): Where was I?

Kelly: Daddy, wanna know what I think?
Al: Oh, this should be good.
Kelly: Now, like a great eastern religion says, it's all about striking a balance between the ping and the pong.
Al: Go get my noose, boy.

Kelly: Did something die in here?
Bud: That would be me. It's my new cologne. My own secret little recipe. I call it "A Touch of Bud."
Kelly: Yeah, well, if anyone knew what a touch of Bud was, it could only be you.
Bud: And nobody does it better.

Kelly: Do you really think that science can replace this! [Takes off coat to reveal a tight skirt]
Dr. Kessler: But I've got a patient, [Kelly pouts] Who is now on auto.

Kelly: Have you seen my lucky audition blouse?
Peg: What's it look like?
Kelly: See-through. Maybe that's why I can't find it.

Kelly: I didn't ask to be here, and I didn't ask to be born.
Al: Peg?
Peg: Well, it's her time of the month, Al.
Al: What the hell did we bring her for, then?
Bud: Squeak through another month, eh, Kel?
Kelly: Your mother.