Gary: I've got to restock the store, and so I'm donating all of these old shoes to poor Filipino orphans.
Al: Well, they made them; why would they want them back?

Girl Scout: You can't tell me you're not hungry. My daddy says you eat bugs and dirt.
Al: Well, you go home and tell your daddy you have the mailman's eyes.
Girl Scout: [holds up a box of cookies] It's food.
Al: [takes the box of macaroons] All right, gimme a box of these macaroons.
Girl Scout: [snatches it back from Al] Cash only, deadbeat.
Al: I don't have any cash. Gimme some credit?
Girl Scout: [walks off] Eat a bug.
Al: Wet a bed.

Hanged Bundy Ghost: Good evening, Bud. We are the ghosts of your ancestors.
Impaled Bundy Ghost: Beware!
Headless Bundy Ghost: You will die in the morning!
Disemboweled Bundy Ghost: Run! Run while you still can!
5th Bundy Ghost: Wanna buy some shoes?

Hans: Cherry cheesecake for Herr Bundy.
Kelly: Well. I'm a Bundy and I have hair... okay.
Hans: I wanted to meet the man who loved my cheesecake so much.
Kelly: Bye! [slams the door in his face]

Inspector: Mr.Bundy, you had a month to get this place in shape.
Al: You had your whole life to get yourself in shape and you don't see me condeming you.

Jefferson: Al, you have done it this time! For the sake of my own safety, this partnership is dissolved.
Al: Fine, more for me!
Jefferson: I do not think you are fully aware of what you did by offending Madame Inga. Word is she is gathering all the dark forces of Sweden to invoke a curse on your house.
Al laughs uproariously
Al: You should listen to yourself! The dark forces of Sweden?! Oh no, the Swedish are after me! What can they do? Transform my Dodge into a Volvo? See my house is now furnished by Ikea? Or even worse, I wake up one morning next to some long-legged, blonde Nordic beauty with amazing bazoombas!

Jefferson: Drop dead!
Peg: Lick feet!
Marcy: Eat dirt!
Al: Grow hair!

Jefferson: I am actually looking forward to this. Our babies will grow up together, we will be on hand to raise them. In due time we will send them off to college. By that time I will be 50 and you will be 118!

Jefferson: I saw a woman come over here. Are one of you my wife? [notices a distressed Marcy, a pleased Peggy and bored Kelly and decides on Kelly) Come on sweetheart, let's go back to bed.
Kelly: Bye, Daddy.
Peg: No, no, no, no. You've made a mistake. I'm your wife. [releases Kelly and takes Jefferson's hand] Now we can go back to bed.
Marcy: Oh shut up. It's me, it's me.

Jefferson: I think I got a way to put an end to all of this.
Al: Well, if you got the tailpipe, I got the lips.

Jefferson: I'm going to be a father. Don't you have anything to say to me?
Al: Oh. Sure. It's over. You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.

Jefferson: It took forever for them to leave.
Al: Yeah; but much like a roid, they come back with a vengeance.

Jefferson: Like all other religions, we have a sacred obligation to make a lot of money and open our own theme park.

Jefferson: Look, Al, God forbid she doesn't make it -- the important thing is you get right back on the horse.
Al: Well, thanks, Jefferson, but how's sex with my wife gonna make me feel any better?

Jefferson: So the Tattoo on my but said M-A-R-Y.
Kelly: So What? M-A-R-Y. Marcy.
Bud: There's a C in Marcy.
Kelly: M-A-R-Y-C? Oh yeah, the C is silent.