Bud: I didn't have anything to do with this, I was out with a girl.
Kelly: And do you really think thier going to believe that?

Bud: I don't get it. I'm so cute. What am I even doing home? I know I've got the bod, got the arms, chest...and even I can't keep my hands off my butt.
[Peg walks in and sees him grabbing his butt]
Peg: You really should talk to Daddy.

Bud: I'll do the thinking for the both of us and you do the working for the both of us. And we'll split 30-70.
Kelly: Wait a second, wait a second. I'm doing all the work, right? So it's 30 for me.

Bud: I'm really gonna take the advice of someone's who's fooled by every single disguise of the Trix Rabbit.
Kelly: Yeah, like you know who he is before his ears flop out.

Bud: I've put all the family finances right here on this computer.
Al: You put something I don't have into something I don't understand.
Peg: You know, that reminds me of our sex life.
Al: That's putting something I have into something I don't like.

Bud: If I was a hot young chick, I couldn't keep my hands off myself.
Kelly: Well, I guess that makes you a hot young chick.

Bud: Just one more question; if all the autograph hounds will stay back a minute. Did you ever think of teaming up with that Eddie Munster kid for the "Thoroughly Pathetic Tour '91"?
Jerry Mathers: Let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver and appearing at supermarkets, but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.
[Bud and Kelly slink away.]
Jerry Mathers: Golly, that felt good.

Bud: Mom, I had a horrible day, and I could really use some motherly advice right now.
Peg: Shut up, Bud. Oprah is doing a show on mothers who don't pay attention to their sons.

Bud: Something burning? Has Mom been ironing?
Al: No. Nothing as unusual as that. I sold my soul to the devil.
Kelly: For riches and diamonds?
Bud: Kelly, we're talking about Dad's soul.
Kelly: For a Canadian penny?

Bud: The babes will be calling plenty soon. I'm a senior now. A mover. A shaker. I'm the man. I've got the juice. Yup, when I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself. But now I'm a senior. And ready to rule. This year he's back, he's cool, he's dry.
Kelly: Until he goes to sleep.

Bud: The only thing Dad is cheating on is death.

Bud: They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.
Steve: Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?
Bud: Sure.
Steve: Then it's a-prison he'll be going.

Bud: This is going to be my special day. Any girls call me?
Kelly: Yep, they call you "geek," "dork," "hairy palms."

Bud: This is so low! It says here that you're both six months pregnant by Billy Ray Cyrus!
Kelly: Really? Well, how come Mom is showing and I'm not?
Peg: I AM NOT SHOWING!... and you're grounded.
Kelly: Calm down, Mom, it's bad for the baby.
Bud: Kelly, hello? You're not really pregnant!
Kelly: Pffeew. Looks like we squeaked by that one, hey, Mom?

Bud: Where's Dad?
Peggy: In the bathroom breaking in his new toilet.
Peggy: [Al walks in the living room and sits on the couch] How was it, honey?
Al: I don't know, Peg. I'm constipated. This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad?
Peggy: Aww, honey. Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?
Al: No thanks, Peg. It'll take more than raw poultry to fix what's wrong with me. [Al turns on TV]
Man on TV: And now back to the rest of ABC's lineup, Roseanne and the Emmy winning Thirtysomething.
[Al nods his head, picks up the newspaper and walks back into the bathroom]