Bud: [Bud walks in to find Kelly putting out the fire on the remains of the sofa] Whos going to tell mom about this? Oh wait, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."

Bud: And that's Mr.D'Arcy and Mr.Bob Rooney.
Peg: Oh boy. If Marcy finds out about this, she'll be down there in a second. Gee, I wonder if she's watching.
[Peg and the kids hear Marcy starts up her car and drives away]
Peg: Well I guess so.

Bud: Are you sure you know what you're doing in there?
Al: Y'know, Bud, you're starting to sound like your mother. Aha! Yeah, I see there's some dirt on the round thing. All right, I think I got it. Kelly, turn it on.
Bud: Uh, Dad, you might wanna tell Kelly to use the key or she might start rubbing up against it.
Al(to Bud): Kelly knows what she's doing, Bud, she's not an idiot. (to Kelly) Use the key, honey.
(Kelly tries. The car makes a dying sound. Al sighs and closes the hood.)
Al: Ah, it's no use. I know that sound. That's a death rattle. I make it myself every morning. Let's go in the house. Get out of the car, Kelly.
Kelly (muttering as she gets out): Get in the car. Get out of the car. Get in the car. Get out of the car. You know, you're starting to sound like one of my dates. They promise me ice cream too, but they never give me any.
They exit into the house and shut the door. The hood opens.

Bud: Boondy, Al Boondy.

Bud: Can we please watch something else, this is a rerun.
Kelly: No it's not, I've seen this one a million times.

Bud: Come on Mr. Darcy, you are just jealous that my dad is running this better than you did.
Jefferson: Yes, I admit that with your dad in control we are making more money in a week than I did in a month, but I am worried about the attention we are attracting. Most of all, I am worried about your father. Something has changed about him.
Al enters in a white suit like a Mafia don
Al: People to rip off, I love it! Come on you little moneymakers, daddy needs a new pair of everything!

Bud: Dad, Dad, I had a girl here last night.
Al: Bud, I got no time for your jokes now. My teeth are killing me.

Bud: Dad, I won a contest! I get to fly to the District of Columbia where I will go to the White House and meet the President of the United States!
Al: My boy going to meet the President! What a concept. Son, bring me back some of that presidential toilet paper. I bet that stuff is the best. Oh, and you know that woman he is always with...what's her name, Mrs. President? She seems like a nice lady. Get her to make a home-cooked meal for you to take back for me.
Bud rolls eyes
Bud: Uh, sure Dad. I will remember. All I need is $100 to cover taxes and travel expenses.
Al: $100?! Why for that kind of money we could get the President to come here!

Bud: Dad, we got a problem.
Kelly: We were out walking Buck when we ran into Mrs. Stewart.
Bud: She was wearing her yellow slicker and I guess Buck must've thought she was a fire hydrant.

Bud: Dad, when you were in school, did a girl ever did something to you that ruined your entire life?
Al: Yes, and you call that girl "Mom" now.

Bud: Dad, you'll never guess what we saw at the zoo today.
Al: A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the daddy?

Bud: Dad...
Al: Go away.
Bud: This isn't about money.
Al: Go away anyway.
Bud: Dad, will you stop and listen to me.
Al: All right, what?
Bud: Me and Kelly want to throw a party this Saturday, the 30th. Can we? Please?
Al: Absolutely not. I have something very important planned for that day which requires total silence. I can't get too technical, but it involves your mother, our anniversary, and me making love to her 'til I shrivel up and die. Now, if you don't mind, I am going to walk blindly in traffic.

Bud: Hey, Mom, do you think Dad is cheating on you?
Peg: Oh, of course not!
Bud: Good, because we don't want to see you and Dad break up. We're almost like a family here.

Bud: Hi, Dad.
Al: Hi, son. It's not the way it looks, I was just crying on the floor.

Bud: Hi, Mom.
Peg: Hi, Kelly.
Kelly: Hi, Mom.
Peg: Hi, Bud.
Al: Hi, Peg. And before you say "Hi" to the milkman, it's me.
Peg: I know. I have a nose. By the way, honey, I saw you pushing your car home. Doesn't it work?
Al: Peg, if you saw me pushing the car home, why didn't you help me?
Peg: Well, I saw the kids out there and I figured if they weren't gonna help, why should I?
Al: Kids, I have a little family announcement to make. But since I don't have an actual family, I'll say it to you. I have decided that it's time for me to buy a new car.
Peg: I want a Cadillac.
Kelly: I want a Ferrari.
Bud: I want a Porsche.
Al: Your wishes mean nothing to me. It's going to be my car, and I'll decide what I'm getting.
Bud: Yeah. Just don't get another weenie-mobile.
Al: If I want a weenie-mobile, I'll buy a weenie-mobile. But at least it'll be a new weenie-mobile. A new car. At last. Everything I've ever owned has been used. My car, my house, my... [gives Peg a significant nod]