Al: You know that new aerobics center up above me. The one with the sign "Quarter-ton Discount"? Well today they played Van Halen's "Jump" & damned if the whole herd didn't. It was awful Peg. The ceiling opened up down they came walking off the set.

Al: You know, Peg, I hate to be a needy husband, a demanding husband and your husband, but where the hell is my pie tin?
Peg: Why don't you check under the couch where I keep all the other dirty dishes?
Al: Once again Peg, way to home make. See now, I can't quite reach.
Peg: Here, wanna try my bonbon retriever?

Al: You see, yard sales are based on the "Bigger Idiot Theory." That there is nothing too stupid that some bigger idiot won't come along and buy it. The problem is that, eventually, you get to the head idiot and you call her "Mom."

Al: You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!

Al: Your wife gave my wife a book, now my life is hell.
Steve: Ah... Thinnergy.
Al: Yeah, that's the one. Does Marcy hate me that much?
Steve: Well yes, Al, she does.

Al{on phone}: Yeah, we are having a wedding so we need about 2 pounds of cold cuts. What is your cheapest stuff?...Yes, I will take the beaks and claws! I still think 12 cents a pound is damn steep.

Al{on the phone}: Hello, Jim's Fish, Chips & Insurance? How much would it cost to add my son to the plan? How old? Let me see.
Al: Bud, how old are you?
Bud: Sixteen, Dad.
Al{on the phone}: He is sixteen...What! If you think I'm gonna pay that much... you're as stupid as those cats you trap and call tuna...You know, when you insult my wife, Jim, you don't hurt me.
Peggy: Well, what'd he say, Al?
Al: Nothing I haven't said myself.
Al{on the phone}: Seriously Jim, I need to ask, is this the best you can do for a lifetime friend and someone who did not tell the police what your catch of the day really was? Oh ho, well if you want to be that way you can take your insurance and stuff it, all of it!
Al hangs up
Al: There! Al Bundy takes guff from no one!
Peg, Kelly & Bud{in unison}: Cheap, cheap, cheap!
Peg: Al, aren't you worried about being uninsured?
Al: Peg, we don't need insurance. Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay, and never get anything back! Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.

Angel: I know you think you got it tough. Your wife doesn't respect you. Your kids think you're a failure. A good day for you is when you don't come across any new foot diseases...Believe me, I sympathize. But you think your life reeks? Take a whiff of mine, pal. My wife gained a hundred pounds for every year we were married. We had two kids. I think she ate 'em, I dunno. I hated driving home so much I had vanity plates written up that said "Hit me." But despite it all, she loved me. You know how I know? BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME!! Oh, yeah! When I was at work, she loved my father, my brother, my bookie...but when I found my grandfather's teeth in my bed under the pillow, then I knew there was trouble in paradise. That's when I did what any other man would do, Bundy. I canceled my insurance and I hung myself. Showed her, huh?!

Announcer: It's time for Jerry Srpinger, the mas......
[Peg and the kids are watching the screene that says the Masculine Feminist and hears punching. The curtain goes up to see Al and his buddies don black masks and No MA'AM shirts. It also shows Jerry Springer tied up and gagged with a crude ovulates sign with an arrow pointed at him]
Al: Tonight's brodcast of the Masculine Feminist has been commandeered by the secret society called NO MA'AM. The National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood.
[the men cheered]
Al: I would reveal my true identity, but for political reasons, I can not. But do not take me lightly, I once played football in high school.
Kelly: That guy played football in high school.
Bud: That is dad, bonehead. [points to Jefferson and Bob Rooney on the screen]

Babcock: How dare you take my name, little Floyd? From this moment forth I shall refer to you only as Little.
Floyd: That's funny; that's how Mom refers to you.

Bartender: So, where you headed, pal?
Al: Oh, I don't know. Some place where there's a lot of girls and no women.
Bartender: Oh, L.A.!

Beth: Thanks for signing my inner thigh, Mr. Bundy
Al: Now, now, Beth. We promised not to speak of such things in front of Les Misérables.

Boy: I want my mommy.
Al: Yeah, so does your dad's brother.
(After Buck Returns Home Wuth A Letter In His Mouth) Kelly:Here Look It's Buck Peg:Didn't He Go Camping With The Boys Kelly:(Notices The Letter) He's Carrying Something In His Mouth (Buck Growls) Peg:I'll Guess He'll Give It To Us When Hes Good And Ready Peg And Kelly Walk Away Leaving Buck Laying Down On The Couch) (After Kelly Wins At Poker By Cheating) Peg:Kelly I Saw You Cheating Kelly:Okay Mom What Is It? Your Usual 50% Peg: Lets Make It 60 That Way You Learned Your Lesson

Buck: If I had a gun and a thumb, you'd be dead.

Bud: "Anything Goes". That's your song, isn't it, Kel?