[The Bridges of Madison County is playing on TV]
Charlie: This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie!
Alan: Yes, it is.
Charlie: Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think this is a Clint Eastwood movie!
Alan: Well, tough. I like it.
Charlie: Sure, you do. You're a giant fruit basket.
Alan: I'll never apologize for my feminine side.

[after Alan sings "Cat's in the Cradle" while washing dishes]
Charlie: It's not funny.
Alan: Well, maybe not funny "ha-ha", but certainly funny "hee-hee".
Charlie: That boy was nothing like me.
Alan: Well, he doesn't have ear hair and whiskey breath, but I'm guessing he'll grow into that.

[After when Jake takes Charlie's pudding cups]
Charlie: The little turd (Jake) called my bluff!
Alan: [Scoffs, then he is hit in the head by Charlie] OW!!

[Alan is in the kitchen with his ventriloquist dummy]
Charlie: Alan?
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: You're starting to scare the crap out of me.
Alan: Oh, oh, this? This is, uh, just a new hobby. Uh, Charlie, say hello to Danny O'Day. [as Danny]: Howdy do, Charlie?
Charlie: That's not a hobby. That's a cry for help.
Alan: Oh, come on, Charlie, play along. [as Danny]: So, Charlie, how did you sleep last night?
Charlie: With a woman, Alan. Something you need to do before this gets out of hand. [leaves]
Alan [as Danny]: Wow. He's got a stick where I've got your hand.

[Alan rings the doorbell at Judith's house while Herb and Judith are arguing]
Alan: Is this a bad time?
Herb: They're all bad. Seven and a half months of bad.
Judith: Don't you walk away from me!
Herb: Well, I'm sorry, I was answering the door! That's what we idiots do when we hear a doorbell!
Jake: Hi, Dad, bye, Mom, good luck, Herb.
Herb: Bye, Jake. Wish I was going with you!
[cut to Herb in the back seat of Alan's car]
Herb: I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth.

[at the restaurant where Charlie is on his date with Chelsea]
Bobby: Is everything all right, Mr. Harper?
Charlie: Yeah, terrific. Listen, my date's in the ladies' room, and I need you to do something for me.
Bobby: Not a problem. I'll have the valet bring your car around to the alley, I'll open the men's restroom window so you can shimmy out, and I'll have a cab standing by to take the lady home along with the customary chocolate soufflé to go.
[At Dr.Freeman office]

[at the strip club]
Charlie: Hey, honey, when's Miss Bush come out?
Dancer: Whenever Ben Franklin comes out.

[Charlie and Jake are having dinner at Janine's house]
Charlie: Listen, buddy, you're gonna have to make yourself scarce. Maybe take a cab home.
Jake: You take a cab home. I'm doing great!
Charlie: How do you figure?
Jake: You blind? First base off the top of my head, second base in my ear...
Charlie: Listen to me, knucklehead, that woman's gotta be ten years older than you.
Jake: So? You're like, fifteen years older than her! Step aside, Grandpa.

[Charlie is drinking on the patio with Wanda while Chelsea is out of town]
Jake: Have I met this woman before?
Alan: I doubt it.
Jake: She looks familiar.
Alan: Blond, busty, and bombed? Around here, that's familiar.
Jake: I thought Uncle Charlie liked Chelsea.
Alan: He does.
Jake: Well, then, what's he doing with Wanda?
Alan: Well, buddy, it's like this: uh, despite his many admirable qualities, your Uncle Charlie is, at heart, a sleazeball.
Jake: That's what I figured. I just wanted a second opinion.

[Chelsea and Charlie are on their way to the movies]
Chelsea: Did you ask if he wants to go to the movies with us?
Charlie: No.
Chelsea: Why not?
Charlie: Because he's a ticking time bomb and we don't wanna be in the car with him when he goes off!
Chelsea: Come on, he's breaking my heart. Staying home all alone on a Friday night.
Charlie: Don't worry. You know how they say you can be alone, but not lonely?
Chelsea: Yeah?
Charlie: Well, Alan's kinda the opposite. He's always lonely, but he's never alone.
Chelsea: He's going through a tough time. Your brother should be surrounded by friends and family.
Charlie: My brother should be surrounded by a SWAT team.
Chelsea: Please. For me?
Charlie: Chelsea, we agreed that you only get one of those a month. Are you sure you wanna waste it on Alan?

[Chelsea leaves Charlie while Alan argues on the phone with Melissa]
Charlie: Oh, please don't leave!
Alan: Oh, please don't hang up!
Charlie and Alan: I love you!
Berta: And I love you, too.

[Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign]
Alan: Thanks, Mom. Th-- this is a perfect first job for him.
Charlie: First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
Evelyn: I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
Alan: How much are you paying him?
Evelyn: Obviously, too much. Look at him! [Jake is picking his nose] For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Alan: Playboy?
Evelyn: Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Charlie: Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.
[An ice cream truck turns the corner on which Jake is located. He drops the sign and runs after it.]

[Jake is reading the censored Playboy that Evelyn promised him]
Charlie: What are you doing?
Jake: Thanks to Grandma, I'm reading an interview with Jimmy Kimmel.

[Jake is vomiting in the bathroom toilet]
Charlie: You know, your body's sending you a message.
Jake: Yeah, it's sayin' I should really chew my food more. Look at that shrimp -- you could wash it off and serve it again.
Charlie: Your body is also telling you that alcohol is poison.
Jake: If it's poison, why do you drink it?
Charlie: Because there are things inside of me I need to kill.
Jake: You can't kill bad feelings with alcohol, Uncle Charlie.
Charlie: Right.
Jake: And you can't stuff your emotions with cupcakes. Believe me, I've tried.
Charlie: I'm sure you have.

[Jake plays 'Smoke on the Water' on Charlie's piano, and then bends down and plays the keys with his tongue. Charlie comes downstairs.]
Charlie: What are you doing?
Jake: Playing 'Smoke on the Water'
Charlie: With your tongue?
Jake: Pretty cool, huh?
Charlie: That's not cool, it's disgusting. Alan, get in here! [Alan comes in] Your kid's licking my piano!
Alan: Jake, don't lick your uncle's piano.
Jake: But I'm bored.
Alan: Go read a book.
Jake: I don't wanna read a book.
Charlie: Then go lick a book! [Jake leaves] How long is this whole grounding thing gonna go on for?
Alan: Two weeks.
Charlie: Two weeks?
Alan: Charlie, he stuck his ass out a bus window at the girls' track team.
Charlie: That's what you're grounding him for? When you were his age, you mooned the girls' choir.
Alan: No, uh, when I was his age, you pantsed me in front of the girls' choir.
Charlie: Oh, right. Well, either way, you made the yearbook.