Judith: Herb and I are going to have a baby.
Berta: Congratulations. Try to keep this one away from the lead paint.

Judith: I was afraid of being forty years old and being all by myself, but dying alone has got to be better than being stuck with you.
Alan: OK, now you are starting to sound like my mother.

Melissa's Mother: I have pictures of myself dressed in a forest rangers uniform and have absoulately no memory of being a forest ranger. Thank you.

Melissa: Charlie asked me to stay the weekend.
Alan: No kidding?
Melissa: Yeppers. We really made a connection, and it is not just physical. Although the physical part is amazing!
Alan: Again, none of my business.
Melissa: It is like I have known him all my life.
Alan: I know the feeling. You'll get over it.

Melissa: I want to thank you all for coming to celebrate this wonderful occasion.
Berta: I thought it was Alan's birthday.

Miss Pasternak [to Charlie]: How can you live with yourself, you horrible, evil man?!
Jake: He drinks.

Miss Pasternak: Jake, I have wonderful news: From now on, as part of each lesson, we're gonna spend time casting demons out of you. [to Alan]: It's the Devil that's making him stupid.
Jake: I told you it wasn't my fault.
Alan: Uh, uh, Miss Pasternak, wh-- while I'm thrilled that you're helping Jake with his schoolwork, I'm not sure an exorcism is really called for.
Miss Pasternak: Do you want your son to go to Hell, Alan?
Alan: Depends. Do they have a college prep program?
Miss Pasternak: Eternal damnation is no laughing matter.
Alan: I know. I've been married twice. [laughs]
Jake: You think you have to wear a jockstrap in Hell?
Charlie: Yes, but not your own.

Miss Pasternak: Sunday is not a me day, sunday is a He day! [points upward] And He will strike down the blasphemers and the disbelievers with fury and bloodsoaked vengeance! So, chop chop, washy washy! [leaves]
Charlie: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Boy can I pick'em!

Russel: Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product, there's always gonna be flaws in the process.
Charlie: Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in?
Russel: Well, sure, but they don't test every one.
Charlie: They don't?
Russel: Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?

Shelly [showing Alan her family photo album]: Now this picture here is toward the end of my labor. That's my vagina, and that's Melissa's little head pokin' out of me like a groundhog. Hey, I guess if she'd seen her shadow, I would've had six more weeks of labor, huh?

TV commercial announcer: So when the moment's right and she's ready, you'll be ready, too. Side effects may include nausea, headaches, dry mouth, blurred vision, dizziness, anal leakage, kidney failure, and massive stroke.
Charlie: She'd better be ready to call an ambulance.

(In Church)
Charlie: Why do you keep staring at me?
Berta: I just don't wanna miss the part when you burst into flames.

(Jake gets out of his chair on the deck)
Alan: Where are you going?
Jake: I'm a 14-year-old boy who just got ear-boob. Where do you think I'm going?

(Jake goes to Jerome's to pick up Celeste for their date)
Jerome: Hey, Jake.
Jake: (intimidated) Hello, sir.
Jerome: (calling) Celeste! Jake's here! (to Jake) So how've you been?
Jake: (still intimidated) We're walking down to the pier, we're gonna play skee ball, we'll be back by 11.
Jerome: (leering over Jake) You're damn right you will.

Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up
Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up...

Charlie: Oh, that's unfortunate on so many levels.