Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotes[Jerome is looking for his daughter]
Charlie: Did you try calling your daughter?
Jerome: She left her cell phone at the house.
Charlie: Kids, huh? [tries to call Jake on his cell phone] It's ringing.
Jake's cell phone: Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up
Charlie: Did you try calling your daughter?
Jerome: She left her cell phone at the house.
Charlie: Kids, huh? [tries to call Jake on his cell phone] It's ringing.
Jake's cell phone: Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up
[Judith is in labor]
Judith: OH, MY FREAKING GOD!
Alan: Now, you're not breathing. You've got to remember to breathe. [Judith does so] Good, good, good. [looks at his watch] OK, now you're only two minutes apart so we're in the home stretch here.
Judith: Great...
Alan: Boy, it seems like just yesterday we were at this same hospital waiting for little Jake to arrive.
Judith: Uh-huh.
Alan: I guess after pushing out his enormous head, this one will be like spitting a watermelon seed.
Judith: OH, MY FREAKING GOD!
Alan: Now, you're not breathing. You've got to remember to breathe. [Judith does so] Good, good, good. [looks at his watch] OK, now you're only two minutes apart so we're in the home stretch here.
Judith: Great...
Alan: Boy, it seems like just yesterday we were at this same hospital waiting for little Jake to arrive.
Judith: Uh-huh.
Alan: I guess after pushing out his enormous head, this one will be like spitting a watermelon seed.
[on Alan's screenplay]
Jake: You know what you could call it?
Alan: What?
Jake: Bor-ing!
Alan: Thank you.
Jake: Rated G... A-Y.
Jake: You know what you could call it?
Alan: What?
Jake: Bor-ing!
Alan: Thank you.
Jake: Rated G... A-Y.
[on couples counseling]
Alan: Oh, it's horrible. But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money and your house and your car and every last SHRED OF YOUR SELF-RESPECT!
Charlie: You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.
Alan: Oh, no, no, no, I-- I'm the perfect guy to ask. Wh-- when Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished, I CAME TO LIVE ON YOUR COUCH! GOD BLESS COUPLES COUNSELING!
Alan: Oh, it's horrible. But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money and your house and your car and every last SHRED OF YOUR SELF-RESPECT!
Charlie: You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.
Alan: Oh, no, no, no, I-- I'm the perfect guy to ask. Wh-- when Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished, I CAME TO LIVE ON YOUR COUCH! GOD BLESS COUPLES COUNSELING!
[on their dinner date with Chelsea and Alan's blind date, who turns out to be Rose]
Bobby: And for you, sir?
Alan: Whiskey, neat.
Charlie: Since when do you drink hard liquor?
Alan: Since right now. I'd order a glass of crack if it were on the menu.
Bobby: Tru dat.
Bobby: And for you, sir?
Alan: Whiskey, neat.
Charlie: Since when do you drink hard liquor?
Alan: Since right now. I'd order a glass of crack if it were on the menu.
Bobby: Tru dat.
[the morning after Charlie tried to sleep at Chelsea's apartment]
Charlie: She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It would have been like sitting on Pinocchio's mouth.
Alan: You ever wonder about people who can poop in a gas station? What is wrong with them?
Charlie: What about porta-potties?
Alan [scoffs]: Those aren't people. Those are animals. I'd rather go in the trunk of my car.
Charlie: I have.
Alan: You've gone in the trunk of your car?
Charlie: No, yours. [leaves]
Alan: That was you?! I convinced myself a coyote had gotten in there.
Charlie: She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It would have been like sitting on Pinocchio's mouth.
Alan: You ever wonder about people who can poop in a gas station? What is wrong with them?
Charlie: What about porta-potties?
Alan [scoffs]: Those aren't people. Those are animals. I'd rather go in the trunk of my car.
Charlie: I have.
Alan: You've gone in the trunk of your car?
Charlie: No, yours. [leaves]
Alan: That was you?! I convinced myself a coyote had gotten in there.
[Upon hearing of Herb and Judith's marital problems, Alan is smiling evilly]
Charlie: Alan, you got a little evil on your face.
[Alan rubs his face]
Charlie: Other side.
Charlie: Alan, you got a little evil on your face.
[Alan rubs his face]
Charlie: Other side.
[while Charlie imagines his own funeral]
James Earl Jones: To be completely honest, I didn't know Charlie Harper. But any man who, with his dying breath, would set aside $25,000 and a first-class air ticket so I could deliver his eulogy is aces in my book!
James Earl Jones: To be completely honest, I didn't know Charlie Harper. But any man who, with his dying breath, would set aside $25,000 and a first-class air ticket so I could deliver his eulogy is aces in my book!