Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesMia: You wanna go upstairs?
Charlie:Not right now.
Mia:Oh, please don't tell me you got somebody in your room?
Charlie:Not right now.
Mia:Oh, please don't tell me you got somebody in your room?
Mia: Your uncle and I would like to spend some alone time together.
Jake: Oh... all right.
Charlie: You want me to tuck you in?
Jake: I'm too old to get tucked in, you... you ass-face!
Jake: Oh... all right.
Charlie: You want me to tuck you in?
Jake: I'm too old to get tucked in, you... you ass-face!
Norma: Are you related to that dreadful Charlie?
Alan: My mother says I am, but frankly, I have my doubts I'm related to her.
Norma: Well, Alan, uh, there's a little red sports car blocking my driveway. I assume it belongs to one of your brother's "hooers."
Alan: One of his what?
Norma: Hooers. Ever since he moved in here, it's been one endless parade of hooers.
Alan: Oh, whores! Uh, well, in all fairness, most of them don't have the math skills to be whores.
Alan: My mother says I am, but frankly, I have my doubts I'm related to her.
Norma: Well, Alan, uh, there's a little red sports car blocking my driveway. I assume it belongs to one of your brother's "hooers."
Alan: One of his what?
Norma: Hooers. Ever since he moved in here, it's been one endless parade of hooers.
Alan: Oh, whores! Uh, well, in all fairness, most of them don't have the math skills to be whores.
Rose: OK, now it's time for party games.
Charlie: I've got one. [grabs a bottle of liquor] It's called "Drink Until This Night Makes Some Sort of Sense".
Charlie: I've got one. [grabs a bottle of liquor] It's called "Drink Until This Night Makes Some Sort of Sense".
Rose: So I suppose Charlie hasn't told you I have a new man in my life.
Evelyn: Oh, good for you, dear. Does the man know yet?
Evelyn: Oh, good for you, dear. Does the man know yet?
[After Charlie wakes up after a night in bed with Rose]
Charlie: What I need to do is find my passport and head for the border. What you have to do is tell Rose that I was drunk and I'm sorry and there's no need to hunt me down and glue my testicles to my thigh...again!
Berta: I'll tell you right now, you're swabbing on your own nail polish remover this time!
Charlie: That wasn't pleasant for either of us, Berta!
Charlie: What I need to do is find my passport and head for the border. What you have to do is tell Rose that I was drunk and I'm sorry and there's no need to hunt me down and glue my testicles to my thigh...again!
Berta: I'll tell you right now, you're swabbing on your own nail polish remover this time!
Charlie: That wasn't pleasant for either of us, Berta!
[after Evelyn introduced the still-injured Alan to Mona]
Mona: What happened to you?
Alan: I was fixing a satellite dish and I fell off the roof.
Mona: Well, why didn't you just call the guy?
Alan: You wanna know why I didn't call the guy? I'll tell you why I didn't call the guy. BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED TO CALL THE GUY! It's a simple adjustment that any idiot can do, and yes, I know this idiot fell off the roof, but it was after I fixed it all by myself, NO GUY!
Mona: What happened to you?
Alan: I was fixing a satellite dish and I fell off the roof.
Mona: Well, why didn't you just call the guy?
Alan: You wanna know why I didn't call the guy? I'll tell you why I didn't call the guy. BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED TO CALL THE GUY! It's a simple adjustment that any idiot can do, and yes, I know this idiot fell off the roof, but it was after I fixed it all by myself, NO GUY!
[Alan and Kandi are getting married, and Charlie and Mia have just broken up because Mia wants Alan and Jake to move out.]
Charlie: I don't freakin' believe it.
Alan: Cheer up, Charlie. You're finally getting what you always wanted. I'm moving out of your house!
Charlie: I don't freakin' believe it!
Season 4
Charlie: I don't freakin' believe it.
Alan: Cheer up, Charlie. You're finally getting what you always wanted. I'm moving out of your house!
Charlie: I don't freakin' believe it!
Season 4
[Alan and Kandi arrive late to Jake's birthday party. Everyone stares at them upon coming in]
Alan: Sorry we're late, but... I was having sex with this gorgeous twenty-two-year-old woman!
Charlie: Wait, wait-wait-wait-wait... [grabs a camcorder] OK, come in and say that again!
Alan: Sorry we're late, but... I was having sex with this gorgeous twenty-two-year-old woman!
Charlie: Wait, wait-wait-wait-wait... [grabs a camcorder] OK, come in and say that again!
[Alan is drunk]
Jake: Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you?
Alan: No, your daddy doesn't get "plowed". He just gets a little "bzzz". Bzzz.
Jake: Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you?
Alan: No, your daddy doesn't get "plowed". He just gets a little "bzzz". Bzzz.
[Alan is lying on the couch after falling off the ladder]
Alan: Do me a favor and call Judith and tell her not to bring Jake over.
Charlie: How come?
Alan: Look at me, Charlie! I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck, two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills. Does that spell "weekend dad" to you?
Charlie: Well, actually, to me it spells "weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts". But that's a whole other story.
Alan: Do me a favor and call Judith and tell her not to bring Jake over.
Charlie: How come?
Alan: Look at me, Charlie! I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck, two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills. Does that spell "weekend dad" to you?
Charlie: Well, actually, to me it spells "weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts". But that's a whole other story.
[Alan realizes the buxom woman sitting next to him outside the principal's office is the mother of the subject of Jake's drawing]
Alan: Oh, (laughs), you must be Boobra's mom.
(instantly realizes his Freudian slip, tries to recover with:)
Barbara's mams.
(shuts his eyes in embarrassment, then greets her with a sheepish:)
Hi!
Alan: Oh, (laughs), you must be Boobra's mom.
(instantly realizes his Freudian slip, tries to recover with:)
Barbara's mams.
(shuts his eyes in embarrassment, then greets her with a sheepish:)
Hi!
[Alan shows Charlie the drawing that got Jake kicked out of school]
Alan: The girl went home in tears, her mother is on the warpath, and Jake could get expelled.
Charlie: For a silly drawing?
Alan: It's considered sexual harassment. The school has a zero-tolerance policy.
Charlie: Oh, for the good old days, when you could wander into a girls' locker room pretending you were blind.
Alan: You actually did that? That's horrible!
Charlie: No, the horrible part was stealing the dog from the blind kid.
Alan: Well, unfortunately, times have changed, and we no longer live in a Porky's movie.
Alan: The girl went home in tears, her mother is on the warpath, and Jake could get expelled.
Charlie: For a silly drawing?
Alan: It's considered sexual harassment. The school has a zero-tolerance policy.
Charlie: Oh, for the good old days, when you could wander into a girls' locker room pretending you were blind.
Alan: You actually did that? That's horrible!
Charlie: No, the horrible part was stealing the dog from the blind kid.
Alan: Well, unfortunately, times have changed, and we no longer live in a Porky's movie.
[Alan shows everyone the advance copy of a newspaper with him on the front page]
Charlie: "Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy."
Evelyn: Good God.
Jake: Hey, Dad, you're famous!
Alan: Uh, well, not really. Well, among the readers of the Tarzana PennySaver, maybe a little.
Charlie: Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.
Evelyn: Charlie, don't be disrespectful.
Alan: Thank you, Mom.
Evelyn: So how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece?
Charlie: "Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy."
Evelyn: Good God.
Jake: Hey, Dad, you're famous!
Alan: Uh, well, not really. Well, among the readers of the Tarzana PennySaver, maybe a little.
Charlie: Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.
Evelyn: Charlie, don't be disrespectful.
Alan: Thank you, Mom.
Evelyn: So how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece?