Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotes[at Alan's chiropractic office]
Charlie: So this is where you come every day, huh?
Alan: Yep, for eleven years. What do you think?
Charlie: I would have killed myself ten and a half years ago.
Alan: OK, now all you have to do is sit here, and when the phone rings, pick it up and say, "Dr. Harper's office."
Charlie: So right off the bat, I lie?
Alan: I am a doctor, Charlie.
Charlie: Yeah, and I'm king of the traffic doughnuts.
Charlie: So this is where you come every day, huh?
Alan: Yep, for eleven years. What do you think?
Charlie: I would have killed myself ten and a half years ago.
Alan: OK, now all you have to do is sit here, and when the phone rings, pick it up and say, "Dr. Harper's office."
Charlie: So right off the bat, I lie?
Alan: I am a doctor, Charlie.
Charlie: Yeah, and I'm king of the traffic doughnuts.
[at the movie theater]
Charlie: Alan, you need to be quiet.
Alan: Why? The First Amendment gives me the right to yell "Goobers" in a crowded theater! GOOBERS!
Charlie: Alan, you need to be quiet.
Alan: Why? The First Amendment gives me the right to yell "Goobers" in a crowded theater! GOOBERS!
[Charlie and Jake are at a restaurant where they are the only white customers]
Jake: This isn't the Clucky's my mom takes me to.
Charlie: No kidding.
Jake: Where are we, anyway?
Charlie: It's called Watts.
Jake: This isn't the Clucky's my mom takes me to.
Charlie: No kidding.
Jake: Where are we, anyway?
Charlie: It's called Watts.
[Charlie is in a sperm bank donor room]
Alan: Well, I don't know if this will help, but sometimes when I was married, I used to pretend that I was having sex with a-- a completely different woman.
Charlie: Oh, thanks. The image of you bumping uglies with your ex-wife should really move things along!
Alan: Well, I don't know if this will help, but sometimes when I was married, I used to pretend that I was having sex with a-- a completely different woman.
Charlie: Oh, thanks. The image of you bumping uglies with your ex-wife should really move things along!
[Charlie is in bed with Kandi's mother, Mandi]
Alan: Are you sure I'm not interrupting?
Charlie: Don't worry about it. We're kind of at the seventh-inning stretch anyway.
Mandi: You can go two more innings?
Charlie: Even if I have to start throwing knuckle balls.
Alan: Are you sure I'm not interrupting?
Charlie: Don't worry about it. We're kind of at the seventh-inning stretch anyway.
Mandi: You can go two more innings?
Charlie: Even if I have to start throwing knuckle balls.
[Charlie opens the front door to find Evelyn using her cellphone]
Alan [on the phone]: Hello?
Evelyn: Alan! Oh, good, I'm glad you're home. [Alan turns around to see Evelyn at the door] Listen, uh, I'm in the neighborhood, and I know how Charlie hates it when I just drop in unannounced so I-- I thought I'd call first.
Alan: I'll let him know. [hangs up the phone] Charlie, Mom's coming over!
Charlie [looking straight at Evelyn]: Tell her I'm not here.
Alan [on the phone]: Hello?
Evelyn: Alan! Oh, good, I'm glad you're home. [Alan turns around to see Evelyn at the door] Listen, uh, I'm in the neighborhood, and I know how Charlie hates it when I just drop in unannounced so I-- I thought I'd call first.
Alan: I'll let him know. [hangs up the phone] Charlie, Mom's coming over!
Charlie [looking straight at Evelyn]: Tell her I'm not here.
[Charlie sprays breath spray in his mouth to try to conceal the stench of cigars and booze from Mia]
Berta: That ain't gonna do it, Alice.
Charlie: What?
Berta: You smell like a beer bottle that just fell out of Joe Camel's ass.
Charlie: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Berta: Um, hang on, let's see if I got anything in here that might mask that stench. Oven cleaner? No. Ty-D-Bol? No. How do you feel about taking a whore's bath with a hunk of blue cheese?
Berta: That ain't gonna do it, Alice.
Charlie: What?
Berta: You smell like a beer bottle that just fell out of Joe Camel's ass.
Charlie: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Berta: Um, hang on, let's see if I got anything in here that might mask that stench. Oven cleaner? No. Ty-D-Bol? No. How do you feel about taking a whore's bath with a hunk of blue cheese?
[everyone at the vegetarian restaurant is staring at Charlie and Mia]
Charlie: Well, good! Maybe now you know how I feel, sitting in a restaurant eating medallions of bean curd with lawnmower sauce! Am I right? No man should have to eat anything with the word "curd" in it!
Mia: You know, you're turning into a real ass here!
Charlie: Well, then, I'm finally living up to my potential. [Mia leaves] I'm a big ol' bourbon-soaked, cigar-humping ass, as God in His infinite wisdom meant me to be. As He meant all men to be! [one person claps but everyone else is silent] You guys are disappointing God.
Charlie: Well, good! Maybe now you know how I feel, sitting in a restaurant eating medallions of bean curd with lawnmower sauce! Am I right? No man should have to eat anything with the word "curd" in it!
Mia: You know, you're turning into a real ass here!
Charlie: Well, then, I'm finally living up to my potential. [Mia leaves] I'm a big ol' bourbon-soaked, cigar-humping ass, as God in His infinite wisdom meant me to be. As He meant all men to be! [one person claps but everyone else is silent] You guys are disappointing God.
[Jake and Alan sing Archie's "Save the Orphans" jingle after the ceremony]
Charlie: Enough!
Alan: C'mon, it's catchy.
Charlie: So is diphtheria.
Jake: How come you don't get a runner-up trophy?
Charlie: 'Cause I don't.
Jake: In school, everybody gets a trophy just for participating.
Charlie: Well, Jake, that's the difference between school and life. In life, all you get for participating is pain, loneliness, and death.
Charlie: Enough!
Alan: C'mon, it's catchy.
Charlie: So is diphtheria.
Jake: How come you don't get a runner-up trophy?
Charlie: 'Cause I don't.
Jake: In school, everybody gets a trophy just for participating.
Charlie: Well, Jake, that's the difference between school and life. In life, all you get for participating is pain, loneliness, and death.
[Jake is sick in the bathroom during his birthday party]
Alan: Well, wait a second-- why did you take vitamins?
Jake: I was tired!
Alan: OK, but-- but where did you find vitamins to take?
Jake: In your medicine cabinet.
Alan: I don't have any vitamins in my medicine cabinet.
Jake: Yeah, you do -- the little blue ones with a "V" on them.
Charlie: Oooh.
Judith: What's going on? I don't understand.
Berta: The kid's gonna need another party hat.
Alan: Well, wait a second-- why did you take vitamins?
Jake: I was tired!
Alan: OK, but-- but where did you find vitamins to take?
Jake: In your medicine cabinet.
Alan: I don't have any vitamins in my medicine cabinet.
Jake: Yeah, you do -- the little blue ones with a "V" on them.
Charlie: Oooh.
Judith: What's going on? I don't understand.
Berta: The kid's gonna need another party hat.
[Jake made cupcakes for Alan and Charlie]
Alan: It's, uh, it's very tasty. What, uh, what prompted this?
Jake: I figured out I don't need a girlfriend. If I want a cupcake, I just make it myself.
Charlie: Taking matters into his own hands. The metaphor is now complete.
Jake: Anybody want to lick the beater?
Alan and Charlie: No.
Alan: It's, uh, it's very tasty. What, uh, what prompted this?
Jake: I figured out I don't need a girlfriend. If I want a cupcake, I just make it myself.
Charlie: Taking matters into his own hands. The metaphor is now complete.
Jake: Anybody want to lick the beater?
Alan and Charlie: No.
[Judith and Kandi enter Charlie's house drunk at 3:00am]
Kandi: Shhh! We don't want to wake up Mr. Alan Hitler!
Judith: No, no, Osama bin Alan.
Kandi: Shhh! We don't want to wake up Mr. Alan Hitler!
Judith: No, no, Osama bin Alan.
[Kandi answers the door in a bikini]
Judith: I just don't think that outfit is appropriate for Jake.
Kandi: Oh, I agree. He would look ridiculous in this.
Judith: I just don't think that outfit is appropriate for Jake.
Kandi: Oh, I agree. He would look ridiculous in this.
[Kandi, dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl, meets Jake and Judith for the first time]
Kandi: You must be Jake.
Jake: Uh-huh.
Kandi [to Judith]: And you must be Jake's grandma.
Kandi: You must be Jake.
Jake: Uh-huh.
Kandi [to Judith]: And you must be Jake's grandma.
[the two women Charlie brought home are skinny dipping in the ocean]
Alan: Have you no shame?!
Charlie: Let me think. Nope, just a tug.
Alan: Now that's another thing! My angst is real. I-- I do not appreciate you taking my tug and using it to get in someone's pants.
Charlie: News flash, Alan: they're already out of their pants!
Alan: Have you no shame?!
Charlie: Let me think. Nope, just a tug.
Alan: Now that's another thing! My angst is real. I-- I do not appreciate you taking my tug and using it to get in someone's pants.
Charlie: News flash, Alan: they're already out of their pants!