Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesJake: Why do you say "freakin'"? I know what you mean. I'm not a little kid anymore.
Judith [noticing Kandi's new diamond necklace]: Is that a diamond necklace? You never gave me a diamond necklace.
Alan: Yeah, well, you never gave me extra-special bonus sex.
Alan: Yeah, well, you never gave me extra-special bonus sex.
Judith [to Charlie]: I suppose you're the one who introduced Alan to that slutty little--
Charlie: Don't say it, Judith; you'll just be demeaning all women. And yes.
Judith: Figures. Well, I don't want her [Kandi] around my son.
Alan: Oh, oh, oh, really? So, do I get to screen the men that you're dating? And let's not forget, I know about that guy who delivered the truckload of sod.
Judith: What about him?
Alan: [scoffs] It doesn't take two months to put down a new lawn, Judith.
Charlie: Sounds like she got laid before the sod did.
Charlie: Don't say it, Judith; you'll just be demeaning all women. And yes.
Judith: Figures. Well, I don't want her [Kandi] around my son.
Alan: Oh, oh, oh, really? So, do I get to screen the men that you're dating? And let's not forget, I know about that guy who delivered the truckload of sod.
Judith: What about him?
Alan: [scoffs] It doesn't take two months to put down a new lawn, Judith.
Charlie: Sounds like she got laid before the sod did.
Judith: Well, I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him [Jake].
Alan: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.
Alan: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.
Kandi [to Alan]: I think we've reached an implants in our relationship.
Judith: Impasse!
Judith: Impasse!
Kandi: Alan, should I try it [starting her car] again?
Alan: Uh, no, I'm gonna call Triple-A.
Kandi: Good, no sense drinking over this.
Charlie: You must be so proud.
Alan: Hey, hey, she may not be sophisticated, but she's... street-smart.
Charlie: Sesame Street-smart.
Alan: Uh, no, I'm gonna call Triple-A.
Kandi: Good, no sense drinking over this.
Charlie: You must be so proud.
Alan: Hey, hey, she may not be sophisticated, but she's... street-smart.
Charlie: Sesame Street-smart.
Kandi: I don't even know who you are anymore!
Alan: Oh, do you wanna know who I am? I'm the idiot who's paying you ten dollars an hour to miss phone calls, nap in the bathroom, and use my X-ray machine on Mexican food!
Kandi: Well, I wanted to know what's inside a chimichanga!
Alan: If you didn't know what was in it, why'd you order it?!
Kandi: 'Cause it's fun to say "chimichanga"!
Alan: Oh, do you wanna know who I am? I'm the idiot who's paying you ten dollars an hour to miss phone calls, nap in the bathroom, and use my X-ray machine on Mexican food!
Kandi: Well, I wanted to know what's inside a chimichanga!
Alan: If you didn't know what was in it, why'd you order it?!
Kandi: 'Cause it's fun to say "chimichanga"!
Kandi: Ouch.
Alan: What?
Kandi: One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.
Alan: When was the last time you saw a dentist?
Kandi: Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do.
Alan: What?
Kandi: One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.
Alan: When was the last time you saw a dentist?
Kandi: Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do.
Kandi: You know, I'm a child of divorce too, Jake.
Alan: Really? How old were you when your parents split up?
Kandi: Twenty-two.
Alan: But you're twenty-two now.
Kandi: Twenty-two and a half! Boy, what I'd give to be twenty-two again.
Alan: Really? How old were you when your parents split up?
Kandi: Twenty-two.
Alan: But you're twenty-two now.
Kandi: Twenty-two and a half! Boy, what I'd give to be twenty-two again.
Mandi: Hi, Alan. How are you?
Alan: About two heartbeats from a brain aneurysm.
Alan: About two heartbeats from a brain aneurysm.
Mia: Charlie, The reason I came here is... I want your sperm.
Charlie: Alright, where do you want it?
Charlie: Alright, where do you want it?
Mia: My dad called today; he wants to take your family out to dinner.
Charlie: Yeah, well tell him he can have one or the other, but not both!
Mia: Come on Charlie, they're gonna have to meet sooner or later.
Charlie: Ok, but why don't we wait for a real happy occasion?
Mia: What's happier than a wedding?
Charlie: Well, my mother's funeral springs to mind! There'll be music, dancing...my mom'll be in a box!
Charlie: Yeah, well tell him he can have one or the other, but not both!
Mia: Come on Charlie, they're gonna have to meet sooner or later.
Charlie: Ok, but why don't we wait for a real happy occasion?
Mia: What's happier than a wedding?
Charlie: Well, my mother's funeral springs to mind! There'll be music, dancing...my mom'll be in a box!
Mia: OK, let's start first position. Jake, do you know first position?
Jake: Is that like missionary position?
Jake: Is that like missionary position?
Mia: The fancy beach house works with a lot of women, doesn't it?
Charlie: Honestly, it's like a G-spot with two mortgages.
Mia: Well, just so you know, I'm nogjt with you for your house or your money.
Charlie: So it's the car.
Mia: Why would I care about your car?
Charlie: It's an $80,000 Mercedes.
Mia: Yeah, so what does it do that other cars don't do?
Charlie: It costs $80,000!
Charlie: Honestly, it's like a G-spot with two mortgages.
Mia: Well, just so you know, I'm nogjt with you for your house or your money.
Charlie: So it's the car.
Mia: Why would I care about your car?
Charlie: It's an $80,000 Mercedes.
Mia: Yeah, so what does it do that other cars don't do?
Charlie: It costs $80,000!
Mia: Why don't I get changed and I'll stop by your house in a little while?
Charlie: Sure, I'll be up, 'cause you know, I'm a night person.
Mia: I remember.
Charlie: Of course, if you come too late, I could be drunk.
Mia: I remember.
Charlie: Or there could be other women there.
Mia: I remember.
Charlie: Sure, I'll be up, 'cause you know, I'm a night person.
Mia: I remember.
Charlie: Of course, if you come too late, I could be drunk.
Mia: I remember.
Charlie: Or there could be other women there.
Mia: I remember.