Charlie: You like classic rock, right?
Jake: Right.
Charlie: OK, well, pick a band.
Jake: How about Queen?
Alan: Oh, good. I was afraid he was gonna pick something gay.

Charlie: You lucky dog!
Alan: What? I'm not going in there, she's nuts!
Charlie: Yeah, so? Sex with crazy chicks is great! Just make sure you pick positions where you can see what her hands are doing.
Alan: No, no, that would be taking advantage of a... a mentally unbalanced person.
Charlie: Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed! May as well hop on board for a farewell cruise!

Charlie: You see, Sandy, it's sort of a family tradition. Every year our mom invites us over for Christmas even though she doesn't want us to come, and we say yes even we don't want to go. Then when we don't show up, even though she's secretly relieved, she gets to complain about what horrible children she has to all of her friends. It's the perfect gift.

Charlie: You were conditioned as a child to seek Mom's approval. You're still seeking Mom's approval, and you make every woman in the world a substitute Mom.
Alan: But what about you? We had the same mother.
Charlie: Well, I handle my conditioning in a different way. I have casual and often degrading sex with my substitute Moms, but we're talking about you and not me so forget I said that.
Alan: Oh, how I'll try.

Evelyn: Alan, sweetheart, you know I only want the best for you, right?
Alan: Uh...
Evelyn: I do! [to Berta and Rose]: I do! [to Alan]: Which is why, when Judith threw you out, I was right there supporting you.
Alan: You had other options?
Evelyn: Don't be naïve! I could have sucked up to Judith in order to have more access to my grandson. But, no, I burned that bridge. I said horrible things to her that I can never take back.
Charlie: And keep in mind, this is a woman who worked the phrase "mousy bitch" into her wedding toast.

Evelyn: Charlie, I need a favor.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I need a healthy liver, and there's a long waiting list for both.

Evelyn: Do you believe your future mother-in-law? Shows up at a four-star restaurant wearing a track suit with the word "juicy" stretched across her half-acre ass.
Charlie: I can read, Mom.
Jake: Can we go back? I forgot my doggie bag.
Charlie: We can never go back, Jake.
Alan: Oh, come on, it's not the end of the world.
Evelyn: Easy for you to say. You're not marrying into The Addams Family.
Charlie: Oh, like you were a prize. Slipping a prenuptial agreement into my fiancée's menu?
Evelyn: I am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery.
Charlie: Um, Mom...?
Evelyn: Every one of my surgeries was necessary! And if I had signed a prenup, you would never have gone to music camp, and Alan would have an overbite you could use to open a can of Pennzoil!
Kandi: I didn't know Mia's last name was Addams.

Evelyn: This event isn't televised, is it?
Charlie: No.
Evelyn: Hmm. Well, I guess they only show the important awards.
Charlie: [hands his keys to Alan] Congratulations, you've just been elected tonight's designated driver.
Alan: Come on, just ignore her.
Charlie: Ignore her? It'd be easier to ignore blood in my urine!

Female Bartender: Would you like some more pretzels?
Charlie: Well, I am in the mood for something salty and twisted.

Harvey's mother: Harvey, how many times have I told you not to leave an estate without telling me?
Harvey: Aw, mom...
Harvey's mother: Get in the car, we're going home.
Harvey: But mom, we're getting married!
Harvey's mother: To this trash? I don't think so.
Everlyn: Excuse me?
Charlie: Roll with it, Mom.
Harvey's mother: I'm counting to three, Harvey. One... Two...
Harvey: I'm going. I'm going.
Everlyn: Keep the robe.
Harvey: Thanks. I'm not wearing pants.
Harvey's mother: Harvey, do I have to put you on my knees?
Harvey: I'm going. I'm going.
Harvey's mother: He's really a good boy, but these things happen when you marry a first cousin.
Charlie: I'd say they're lucky to have opposable thumbs.

Harvey: Well, you know, you do the best you can to raise them [children], and in the end, they drive down life's highway on their own.
Evelyn: Isn't that the truth? I think God gives us children so death won't come as such a disappointment.

Isabella: Did you really think that you could just end this?
Charlie: I was kinda hoping.
Isabella: Dont you realize that our souls are now bound together destined to writhe ecstatically in blessed hellfire for all eternity?
Charlie: [to Alan] Boy, I know how to pick 'em, don't I?

Jake: Hey, how come my mom hates Kandi?
Charlie: What gave you the idea that she hates her?
Jake: 'Cause she says so... a lot.
Charlie: All right. Why do you think?
Jake: I dunno. She's pretty, she's fun, and Dad seems real happy with her.
Charlie: Well, little man, you just answered your own question.
Jake: I did? What'd I say?
Charlie: It's like this: You ever see a kid at school who doesn't like his lunch but he won't let you have it either?
Jake: Oh, yeah. Russell Beasley. He'll spit on his apple cobbler before he'll let anybody else eat it.
Charlie: Well, this is pretty much the same deal, except your mom is Russell Beasley, and your dad is the spit-covered cobbler.
Jake: I don't understand.
Charlie: Even though your mom doesn't want your dad, she doesn't want Kandi to eat him, either.
Jake: Oh.

Jake: Oh, yeah, she [Mia] wants us to come see her dance next weekend.
Charlie: It [the newspaper] says she's performing this weekend.
Jake: Oh, I guess she called last weekend.
Charlie: You're telling me this now?!
Alan: Charlie, Charlie, calm down.
Charlie: How many things does the kid have to handle? Eat, poop, tell me who called!
Jake: She said some guy named Will has tickets.
Charlie [sighs]: Who's Will?
Jake: I don't know. She said he'd call.
Charlie: Will's gonna call?
Alan: You mean the tickets are at will call?
Jake: I don't know, maybe.
Charlie: Dear God, he's a doorstop that eats!

Jake: Uncle Charlie?
Charlie: Yeah, buddy.
Jake: You know what'd be cool? If you and Rose got married.
Alan: Yeah, Charlie, that would be cool! I could be the best man, carry the ring for you and the medication for her. Do pharmacies have bridal registries? Hey, have-- have you guys talked about having kids? Are we gonna hear the pitter-patter of teeny-weeny, crazy-ass feet? [to Jake]: No, he's not gonna marry Rose.
Jake: Why not? He's already getting sex from her.
Charlie: Jake, Jake, the only reason Rose was in my bed is because she was too tired to go home.
Jake: Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot.