Charlie: Let me give you an example. Jake's at a party. All the boys are on one side of the room, all the girls are on the other. What's he do?
Alan: Um...
Charlie: You see? You see? Right there. That "Um..." is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.
Alan: Define "chronic".

Charlie: Look, if you knew me at all and shut me down, it would be one thing, but to be dismissed on a simple "hello", well, that's a tough pill to swallow.
Mia: Would you rather I give it to you in a suppository?
Charlie: Well, to be perfectly honest...
Mia: Good-bye. [leaves]
Alan: Hey, hey, did you hear that?
Charlie: What?
Alan: It's a... it's a fat lady, and she's... singing.
Charlie: You'd give up right now, wouldn't you?
Alan: Charlie, Elvis has left the building! I mean, giving up is a little moot at this point.
Charlie: Yeah, well, that kind of attitude is why you sleep alone with a copy of Monster Boobs magazine under your pillow.
Alan: Stay out of my room.

Charlie: Looks to be a beautiful day. Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun-dappled afternoon in paradise.
Berta: You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?
Charlie: No, ma'am, I am quite simply high on life.
Berta [to Alan]: Blotto.

Charlie: Relax, Jake, Ricky knows what he's doing. He's been cutting my hair for years.
Jake: Well, what if I don't want to look like you?
Charlie: What's wrong with the way I look?
Jake: Nothing... if you're a statue in front of a Big Boy restaurant.

Charlie: Rose, think about it. Where are you gonna find a guy who loves you as much as Gordon? And Gordon, where are you gonna find a girl... period?

Charlie: Say what you want about me, but at least I've never chosen to have women in my life who do nothing but mistreat me.
Berta [walking into the kitchen]: Hey, stud, I don't know what kind of sick, twisted party you had in your bedroom the last couple of days, but I sure as hell ain't cleaning it up! [leaves; Alan stares at Charlie]
Charlie: That is different. Way different.

Charlie: Simply out of curiosity: What exactly is this curse? What should I be on the lookout for?
Isabella: Your crops will wither in the field.
Charlie: Yeah, okay.
Isabella: Your cattle will sicken and die.
Charlie: [not impressed] Aha.
Isabella: Your manhood will shrivel and become a useless husk.
Charlie: I gotta fold here, Alan. Okay, you got me. What do you say we call the girls over and start spawning baby Gilgamesh?!

Charlie: So, uh, Betsy, maybe we can get the boys together for a little play date sometime.
Jake: I don't want a play date with some stupid kid just so you can have sex with her!

Charlie: What are you looking at me for? Just stay out of her neighborhood!

Charlie: What is that old witch doing here?
Alan: Old witch? She's a charming woman!
Charlie: Of course she's charming. They're all charming. That's how they lure you into their houses made out of candy and gingerbread.

Charlie: Why are you dating a woman who most likely lost her virginity during World War II? And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys.
Alan: OK, first of all, we're not dating. I am escorting her to a charity event. And second of all, her age is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is what inside a person.
Charlie: Yeah, well, the only thing inside her is dust and undigested mastodon meat.
Alan: She isn't that old, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, come on, I bet she was an eyewitness to the birth of agriculture.
Alan: Stop it!
Charlie: Her high school graduation picture is probably on a cave wall in France.

Charlie: With his [Jake's] grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around.
Alan: Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?
Charlie: No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless.

Charlie: You know what that smell is? Epiphany... For Men.

Charlie: You know, for the record, a lovely dinner doesn't necessarily preclude carpet burns and a bite mark on your ass.
Alan: In this case, it was just dinner and a pleasant conversation.
Charlie: Well, that's why God gave us Cinemax and an opposable thumb.

Charlie: You know, on a counter-programming note, the Lakers are playing Miami tonight.
Mia: Would you rather watch that?
Charlie: No, no, this is fine. Of course, I don't have a $500 bet down on the ballet.