Alan: You know why I was being audited? Not because I have unsubstantiated deductions, which I have. Not because I take the occasional cash payment from a client and forget to report it, which I do. It was because no one at the IRS could believe I was paying as much alimony as I claimed! It took me three hours to convince them that, yes, I am that big a schmuck!
Charlie: Oh, boo-hoo. You want a real fun time? Try finding an extra-small Ben Franklin costume at 9:00 in the morning.
Alan: Oh, right! The play, uh, how was it?
Charlie: Boffo. A smash. Among the highlights were a twelve-year-old Chinese George Washington with a powdered wig and a snot bubble, and your kid in a bald cap and granny glasses holding a Tweety Bird kite and announcing he's discovered "elasticity".

Alan: You need to get Jake dressed, make him his lunch, and get him to school by eight, OK?
Charlie: OK.
Alan: You're not moving.
Charlie: Yes, I am. I'm flipping you off under the covers.
Alan: GET UP!

Alan: You want to help me? Stop talking me up. It's killing me.
Charlie: OK!
Alan: And stop putting yourself down! Somehow that's killing me too!
Charlie: Got it.
Alan: Just-- just sit there and eat your dinner and I'll play your game.
Charlie: Fine! [Alan takes the open urinal next to Charlie] You want to shake on it?
Alan: You're disgusting.
Charlie: Yeah, I'm disgusting. At least I'm not the one taking a squirt on my shoe.

Alan: You're hitting on the widow!
Charlie: No, I'm consoling the widow. I won't start hittin' on her 'til they close the lid.
Alan: Unbelievable. How do you sleep at night?!
Charlie: Usually drunk and on top of somebody. But that takes work, Alan; it doesn't just happen by itself.
Alan: Hey, well, here's an idea: Why don't you run downstairs to the embalming room and see if you can score a couple of fresh ones off the truck?
Charlie: Excuse me, but considering your ex-wife, I'd say you're the expert on having sex with cold women who don't move!

Berta [hands Jake a mop and bucket]: Take these and get started on the kitchen floor.
Jake: Why? I didn't pee in here! OK, once, but it was in the sink.
Berta: The sink? How'd you manage that?
Jake: It's not that hard. You just gotta drink a lot of root beer, lean back, and figure the angle.

Berta [reading a list that Alan left on the kitchen table]: "Pro: No alimony. Con: No sex. Pro: See Jake all the time. Con: See Judith all the time."
Alan: What are you doing? Give me that!
Berta: I'm sorry, it was just laying there.
Alan: That's private.
Berta: OK! [pause] I've got another "pro" for you.
Alan: Yeah, what's that?
Berta: If you hook back up with Olive Oyl, I won't have to scrub your toilet anymore.
Alan [writing]: "Pro: No more Berta."

Berta [to Jake]: After a day scrubbing toilets, I'm betting you'll be able to pee through a Cheerio at ten paces.

Berta: Alan? I got a riddle for you: What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: It's your kid.

Berta: Not that it's any of my business but what in hell happened in your brother's bathroom?
Jake: Dad was wrestling on the floor with a naked lady.
Berta: The quiet ones are always the freaks.
Alan: Jake, we weren't wrestling, I just reached in to turn off the tap and she was startled. It was an honest mistake and it was completely innocent
Jake: But you admit, she was naked.
Alan: Yes but as I said, it was an honest mistake. So there's absolutely no need to tell your mother! Understand?
Jake: Yeah. I forgot you have to sign my math test.
Alan: Ok, D minus! Jake what am I gonna do with you?
Jake: Dunno.
Alan: Did you show this to your mother?
Jake: No.
Alan: Why not?
Jake: Cause I didn't catch her doing anything.

Berta: That's it, I can't work like this!
Alan: Well, you have to, Berta! We got fifty people coming here in a couple of hours.
Berta: Don't tell me, tell her.
Alan: Fine.
Berta [to Charlie]: Watch this.
[Alan tries to talk to Daisy, who is meditating outside on the deck]
Daisy: HEY, I'M MEDITATING HERE!

Berta: The sink's stopped up again. That kid still doesn't know the difference between the garbage disposal and the drain.
Charlie: What do you want? He's eleven.
Berta: That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the road.

Berta: Well, gadzooks. Zippy's getting his freak on.
Charlie: Yeah, it seems we're living in an age of miracles.
Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.

Berta: Who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a getaway car?

Charlie [looking at Jake's test]: Wow, Texas used to be a separate country. Why'd we change that?

Charlie [slapping Alan with the plans for Evelyn's party]: Are? You? Happy? Now we have to throw a party for your crazy-ass mother!
Alan: Well, she's your mother, too!
Charlie: How do you know? I could have been adopted.
Alan: You wish!
Charlie: I do!