Charlie [leaving Linda a voicemail message]: I figure three's a charm, four is a restraining order.

Charlie [looking at Jake's test]: Wow, Texas used to be a separate country. Why'd we change that?

Charlie [runs out on the deck]: Rose? Climb up here! I want to talk to you!
Beverly: Are you sure you're the loser brother?
Alan: That's always been the consensus.

Charlie [singing on TV]: He's a little boy, he is not a toy, don't shake-shake-shaaaake the baby!
Alan: When did you become the king of kids' songs?
Charlie: When did you become the Federal Trade Commission?

Charlie [singing]: I drink from a sippy cup, sippy cup, sippy cup

Charlie [slapping Alan with the plans for Evelyn's party]: Are? You? Happy? Now we have to throw a party for your crazy-ass mother!
Alan: Well, she's your mother, too!
Charlie: How do you know? I could have been adopted.
Alan: You wish!
Charlie: I do!

Charlie [through the baby monitor]: OK, let's take this thing [diaper] off. Oh, sweet Lord! Did you have Thai food for dinner or what? Man, Babe Ruth took smaller dumps!

Charlie [to Gloria]: You... have absolutely no boundaries, do you?
Gloria: Well... I don't like fat guys.
Charlie: Interesting. Turns out... I draw the line at incest.
Gloria: So you'd do a fat guy?
[Rose and Berta are listening outside Charlie's room]
Rose: Did you hear that? Charlie found his boundary!
Berta: It's a miracle!
Rose: A Christmas miracle.

Charlie [to Jake]: I get that you're growing up, that your body's changing, that your emotions are in flux, but the important thing you need to keep in mind is that... I don't care. When you're in my house, when you're out with me, and especially when we're around women, you will be adorable.

Charlie [to Mandi]: When Alan was eight, I convinced him he only had two weeks to live. But I suppose that tells you more about me than him.
Alan: Yeah, good times. But back to recent events--
Charlie: Ooh, ooh! Remember when I told you the cat litter box was filled with almond roca? He ate four of them. [Mandi laughs]
Alan: Are we done visiting Charlie Harper's Museum of Sibling Cruelty?

Charlie [to Norman]: I am-- I am, I am so sorry. I had no idea that she was married. Believe me, I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women.
Berta: Yeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do her.
Charlie [to Berta]: I'm sorry, isn't there something around here you could be cleaning?
Berta: I'm guessing you could use a good scrubbing.

Charlie: (still drunk) [after Alan opens the door] Oh, hey Alan, come on in!
Alan: Why don't you come in here?
Charlie: Yeah, I Lost my key. (pause; then Charlie holds up keys) DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Charlie: [About Alan's date with Danielle] Okay, on this date don't talk about your stupid hobbies or your depressing problems.
Alan: So what do we talk about?
Charlie: Her stupid hobbies! Her depressing problems! Okay. I'm gonna make up some reason I have can't go and then you can go on a date.
Alan: Charlie, I'm not sure...
Danielle: [Enters] Okay I'm ready to go.
Charlie: Oh darn...
Alan: What do you mean you have to go!... I mean what's wrong?
Charlie: I just remembered I have a lot of work to do at home.
Danielle: Should we reschedule?
Charlie: No, no, no. You guys should go ahead. I'm sure you'll have fun.
Alan: Alright. [Goes off] So Danielle, you have any hobbies or, problems?

Charlie: [about doing laundry] OK, OK, I can do this. I just turn it on and stick 'em in.
Alan: It's a washing machine, not a cocktail waitress. Let's start by separating her delicates.
Charlie: How is that not like a cocktail waitress?
Alan: [trying to ignore Charlie] The reason you need to do these separately is they're mostly synthetic.
Charlie: Add a beat-up Civic and an ex-husband and we're back to cocktail waitress!

Charlie: [about Jake] Puberty is going to hit him like a shovel!