Berta: The sink's stopped up again. That kid still doesn't know the difference between the garbage disposal and the drain.
Charlie: What do you want? He's eleven.
Berta: That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the road.

Berta: This is a sad, sad day. I always figured you'd be the last guy in the world to end up whipped.
Charlie: I am not whipped. I'm... considerate.
Berta: Considerate.
Charlie: Yeah. See, I love Mia, and I want her to be happy. And I happen to know she's not happy when I smoke cigars and drink and gamble and stay out all night and... eat meat and sugar and grease and fat and... nap and swear and wear shorts and bowling shirts...
Berta: Oh, Charlie, you ain't just whipped. You're roped, saddled, and gelded. They could use you to give rides at kids' birthday parties.

Berta: Well I should go if I don't wanna miss my bus.
Alan: Goodnight Berta.
Jake: Hey Dad, you know what more keeps on her night stand?
Berta: You know what, I'll take a cab.
Alan: What?
Jake: A bottle of whipped cream.
Alan: So?
Jake: So, either whipped cream has something to do with sex or mom hides pie in her dresser too.

Berta: Well I'd better be going. [Sees a jacket that was thrown on the floor] I'll pick that up on Monday.

Berta: Well, gadzooks. Zippy's getting his freak on.
Charlie: Yeah, it seems we're living in an age of miracles.
Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.

Berta: Well, looks who's here, the Bride of Drunkenstein.
Mia: Look. [Mia shows her engagement ring to Berta]
Berta: Wow, that's quite a rock. You know what we call babes with rings like that in my neighborhood? Stumpy.
[Mia looks at Charlie]

Berta: What's bugging you, Zippy? Your blow-up doll run off with a pool toy?
Season 6

Berta: Where are you going?
Charlie: I don't know. Someplace where the bottles are full and the women are empty.
Berta [sings]: And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Berta: Who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a getaway car?

Berta: Who's he [Alan] listening to?
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: They're good. Reminds me of early Who.
Jake: Who?
Berta: Yeah.
Jake: What?
Berta: Band called "Who".
Jake: Bucket of Hate.

Cab Driver: Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.
Charlie: Ah, you have no idea, my friend. My mother took my baby brother and dipped him in sissy sauce, and turned him into the people-pleasing control freak you see today.
Alan: That's right! And -- and she made him so scared of intimacy that -- that he has just this endless stream of gorgeous girls running in and out of his life.
Charlie: Damn her.
Cab Driver: You know, many psychologists agree: Until the core maternal relationship is resolved, most men are doomed to repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.
Charlie: Just drive the cab, Dr. Phil.

Charlie: Look Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again. I don't want you to hate me anymore.
Jake: I don't hate you.
Charlie: Good.
Jake: I'm just very disappointed in you.
Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.

Charlie [after Alan and Melissa share a breakfast sausage]: Aw. Nothing says "love" like a little morning pork.

Charlie [after getting pepper-sprayed by a woman at the pizza restaurant]: It's worse than the potpourri!

Charlie [after Jake's off-key rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody"]: Kid's a double threat. Tone-deaf and arrogant.