Berta: [seeing Alan's swollen eye] Great googooly moogoolies! What the hell happened to you?
Alan: I'm not sure..
Berta: Looks like you got bitten in the face by one of them Ebola monkeys.
Alan: I don't think so, Berta.
Berta: I mean, you were not exactly eye candy going in but... now. Woof! You could scare the flies off a manure truck!

Berta: Alan? I got a riddle for you: What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: It's your kid.

Berta: Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter Naomi. The light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from Heaven and landed on a married man's penis.

Berta: Do you mind if I take your room?
Alan: My room? Gee, I, I--
Berta: Trust me, you want me to have a room with a private crapper.

Berta: Hey, I'm mixing up the eggnog. You want this broad lit up or just slightly glowing?
Charlie: Well let's see. We're celebrating peace on earth and goood will towards all mankind. So let's get her plowed!!
Berta: Hallelujah!

Berta: I'm proud of you, Zippy. The world is a much happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion.

Berta: Just out of curiosity, when you leave here, where is it you go?
Kandi: To the gym. I have to take care of my body 'cause it's my instrument.
Berta: Mine too. Three beers and a bratwurst and my ass turns into a French horn.
Kandi: Really? Whenever I have beer and bratwurst, I just fart a lot.

Berta: Name three contributions the Roman Empire made to civilization.
Charlie: Orgies, wine, and bulimia. Go ahead, ask me about the Greeks.

Berta: Not that it's any of my business but what in hell happened in your brother's bathroom?
Jake: Dad was wrestling on the floor with a naked lady.
Berta: The quiet ones are always the freaks.
Alan: Jake, we weren't wrestling, I just reached in to turn off the tap and she was startled. It was an honest mistake and it was completely innocent
Jake: But you admit, she was naked.
Alan: Yes but as I said, it was an honest mistake. So there's absolutely no need to tell your mother! Understand?
Jake: Yeah. I forgot you have to sign my math test.
Alan: Ok, D minus! Jake what am I gonna do with you?
Jake: Dunno.
Alan: Did you show this to your mother?
Jake: No.
Alan: Why not?
Jake: Cause I didn't catch her doing anything.

Berta: OK, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead, but, Golly Moses, she's a muffin.

Berta: One thing's for sure working for Mr. Charles Roscoe Harper--
Alan: His middle name isn't Roscoe--
Berta: Who's telling the story?!
Alan: Continue.
Berta: Anyway, what I've learned is God takes care of drunks and fools, and C. Roscoe Harper is both. [leaves]
Alan: His middle name is Francis.

Berta: She's [Evelyn] buying Lunkhead a car?
Charlie: And a college education.
Berta: Huh. Well, I guess that makes sense if it's a clown college and the car seats twenty.

Berta: So who do you suppose was smoking Teddy's sausage?
Courtney: Berta, that is my father in there!
Berta: OK, so who do you suppose was smoking your father's sausage?

Berta: Sometimes when people drink, they do things they wouldn't normally do. Me, I like to walk into a biker bar and take a swing at the biggest chick there.

Berta: That's it, I can't work like this!
Alan: Well, you have to, Berta! We got fifty people coming here in a couple of hours.
Berta: Don't tell me, tell her.
Alan: Fine.
Berta [to Charlie]: Watch this.
[Alan tries to talk to Daisy, who is meditating outside on the deck]
Daisy: HEY, I'M MEDITATING HERE!