Alan: You're hitting on the widow!
Charlie: No, I'm consoling the widow. I won't start hittin' on her 'til they close the lid.
Alan: Unbelievable. How do you sleep at night?!
Charlie: Usually drunk and on top of somebody. But that takes work, Alan; it doesn't just happen by itself.
Alan: Hey, well, here's an idea: Why don't you run downstairs to the embalming room and see if you can score a couple of fresh ones off the truck?
Charlie: Excuse me, but considering your ex-wife, I'd say you're the expert on having sex with cold women who don't move!

Alan: You're kidding, Rose has a boyfriend?
Charlie: Yep.
Alan: A real one or like Toby the astronaut?

Alan: You're supposed to be finishing your report.
Jake: I know, but I can't find the book.
Alan: You're kidding! We-- we just bought it.
Jake: What can I say, Dad? It's a big house and a little book.
Alan: Find... the book.
Jake: I'm really tired.
Alan: Find... the book!
Jake: Just saying it won't make it happen.
[Charlie walks into the house]
Alan: FIND... THE... BOOK!
Jake [running]: Heads up! He's losing it.
Alan: I should have put frosting on the damn book! He's never lost anything with frosting on it!

Alan: You're writing a report on The Taming of the Shrew, not The Voyages of Cap'n Crunch!
Jake: Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.
Alan: OK... [sighs] I'm not fooling around here. You are gonna finish this damn book and write the damn report, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted, and on freakin' time!
Jake: I have my doubts, Dad.

Alan: You're-- you're living in a dream world! Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
Charlie: Obviously, you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.

Alan: Your mom will be here any minute! I-- I thought I told you to get ready!
Jake: I'm ready.
Alan: Did you do your homework?
Jake: No.
Alan [scoffs]: Jake, I promised your mother you'd have it done!
Jake: Well, next time you'll know better!

Alan: Your sexist, manipulative attitude toward women just got into Jake's head, and he spewed it out in front of his mother's angry women's support group!
Charlie: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is it a women's support group that's angry, or a support group just for angry women?
Alan: What difference does it make?
Charlie: Well, if they were already angry, then I'm less culpable.

Alexis [the prostitute from "Winky-Dink Time", walking by in handcuffs]: Hi, Alan.
Alan [to Evelyn after she stares at him]: Hey, I'm not the one who's got a dead husband with someone else's lipstick on his dipstick.

Awards ceremony emcee: And now, before we present the Jingle of the Year award, we have a special treat.
Charlie: Please tell me they're gonna pass out guns.

Berta [hands Jake a mop and bucket]: Take these and get started on the kitchen floor.
Jake: Why? I didn't pee in here! OK, once, but it was in the sink.
Berta: The sink? How'd you manage that?
Jake: It's not that hard. You just gotta drink a lot of root beer, lean back, and figure the angle.

Berta [reading a list that Alan left on the kitchen table]: "Pro: No alimony. Con: No sex. Pro: See Jake all the time. Con: See Judith all the time."
Alan: What are you doing? Give me that!
Berta: I'm sorry, it was just laying there.
Alan: That's private.
Berta: OK! [pause] I've got another "pro" for you.
Alan: Yeah, what's that?
Berta: If you hook back up with Olive Oyl, I won't have to scrub your toilet anymore.
Alan [writing]: "Pro: No more Berta."

Berta [removing groceries from the bag]: Salted butter... salted butter. Extra-large eggs... extra large eggs. Acidophilus milk... two-percent milk, you whiny pinhead.
Charlie: Morning.
Berta: Hey, how you feeling?
Charlie: Not too bad, really.
Berta: That was some fall you took.
Charlie: Yeah, if I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me.
Berta: You think the liquor industry would promote that.
Charlie: It is a selling point. Right up there with making ugly people doable.

Berta [to Jake]: After a day scrubbing toilets, I'm betting you'll be able to pee through a Cheerio at ten paces.

Berta: (on how she gets people to leave) Just tell 'em you missed your period and you're out of pot.

Berta: [Because Charlie is facing money problems] Don't worry Charlie, you don't need to pay me this week.
Charlie: Thank you Berta.
Berta: I'll just take this espresso maker and be on my way.