[Eric receives a call]
Eric: Hello?
Jackie: Hey, Eric? It's Jackie.
Eric: Uh-huh.
Jackie: Look, I just realized you're about to leave for Africa, and I won't get a chance to say good-bye in person. That makes me sad. I mean, you've always been very special to me.
Eric: Okay, Jackie, if there's a gun to your head, say the word cream cheese.
Jackie: No, Eric, I'm just gonna miss you is all, okay? So just take care of yourself in Africa.
Eric: Okay. I will. Wait, you want to talk to who? You want to tell him you love him? Well, I don't know. You guys didn't really leave on the best of terms. Okay. Dad, telephone!

[Eric seeks advice from Red and Bob about fighting David because he is hitting on Donna]
Red: The bridge of the nose, it's very vulnerable.
Bob: Oh, and hit him with a banjo.
Red: [exasperated] A banjo, Bob?
Bob: Yeah.
Red: Where is he gonna get a banjo?
Bob: I don't know. But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down!
Red: Hitting a guy with a banjo is dirty. [to Eric] You can hit him in the groin.
Bob: You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.

[Eric sees a deer.]
Eric: [to Red] Look at him. He's magnificent. He's the king of the forest, just like...Bambi's dad. It's beautiful.
Red: [shoots deer] Yeah, and I bet he tastes beautiful, too. [before going down to collect the deer] Oh, and just for the record, Eric, I'm the king of the forest.

[Eric starts to drive the car into the garage]
Eric: What the...?
Red: You're moving it a foot and you hit something. Jeez.
Eric: Oh my God! Its... Its Mr. Bonkers.
Red: Wow. That is one dead cat.

[Eric tries to explain a career choice the school suggested for him to Red, Kitty, and Donna]
Eric: Okay, there's this program, where you teach impoverished children for a year, and they pay for your college! I signed up!
Donna: Eric that's perfect!
Kitty: That's wonderful!
Red: See, I knew spending your college money would work out for the best. [smiles] You're welcome.
Kitty: So, what impoverished area will you go to? [gasps] Is it east Milwaukee? [looks at Red for a second] I made a wrong turn there once and I ended up in an awful neighborhood...there were kids playing radios on a street corner. [Red shakes his head]
Eric: [smiling] No, I'm not going to Milwaukee.
Donna: So, where then?
Eric: Africa!
Kitty: Africa, Wisconsin?

[Eric wants Kitty's help after Donna might be pregnant. Donna worries that Eric will be too obvious about who is pregnant.]
Eric: Donna, I think I know how to be subtle. [Scene change] MOMMY, MOMMY, DONNA MIGHT BE PREGNANT!

[Eric, Hyde, and Kelso have a Circle while raiding the police academy's main office]
Eric: These samples are way better than our samples. You see how I sniffed them out? I could so be a police dog!
Kelso: [wear dog training collar] Cool, training collar. You know, I so don't get how they think I could be a stooge. Am I so on top of everything? What does this thing do? [presses button and gets shocked] AAH!
Hyde: Give me that, Kelso, you're gonna hurt yourself.

[explaining how the police academy got set on fire]
Kelso: It totally wasn't my fault! I I got there early to practice with my flare gun because I wanted to show Brooke an actual "B" for a change.
Fez: Okay, so far 0 percent your fault.
Kelso: Then accidentally shot off a flare and it went [whistling sound] right under the bleachers.
Hyde: Well, now we've jumped to about 60 percent your fault.
Kelso: Kay, so then I shot off another flare at the first flare because you know what they say, you gotta "fight fire with fire."
Jackie: Yeah, this is now, like, 99 percent your fault.
Kelso: So, then I shot another flare into the air to warn people about the fire and that one just went right on the roof, so I just got the hell out of there.

[Fez and Jackie await the results of the Roller Disco competition with Donna and Kelso, who is not pleased]
Announcer: And the winner of Kenosha's Annual Roller Disco Doo-dah is...Jackie Burkhart and...
Donna and Jackie: Oh, my God! [Jackie hugs Fez]
Announcer: Friend.
Kelso: Fix! Fix!
Jackie: I can't believe it! I'm so sorry I doubted you. You...You are my hero...My...my hunky, sexy, foreign skating hero!
Fez: And you are my...my spoiled, whiny skating princess.
Jackie: Oh, Fez, thank you! [a tournament assistant gives them champagne] Yaaaay, champagne! Yaaay!
Kelso: Yaaaay! Yaaay! [rubs Jackie's back]
Jackie: [Shakes off Kelso] Get off me. Kelso, you booed us the entire time.
Kelso: What? No! That was some rude guy. So I popped him one, and then I was goin', "Ooh," because I hurt my hand when I popped the rude guy. So... you're welcome. You wanna kiss it?
Jackie: Let's go, Fez [they leave]
Donna: Hmm. Come on, Kelso. Look at the bright side.
Kelso: What's the bright side?
Donna: The bright side is there isn't one. Fez has Jackie, and you have to squeeze out that marble.

[Fez and Kelso are talking about Nina's parents embarrassing him for being "different" in the Basement]
Fez: You know, I've been called many names since coming to this country, but I've never been treated like that before. [Shakes his head]
Kelso: Fez, unfortunately there are some people in this world that are going to judge you on the color of your skin, or your funny accent, or that girly little way you run. [Fez nods in agreement] But you know what, you're not alone. Why don't you think the Martians won't land here? Cause they're green, and they know people are going to make fun of them.
Fez: You said it brother.I just wish there were someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.
Kelso: Well, thats Canada. [Pause] Yep good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they are too busy playing hockey, or getting drunk, or putting maple syrup on their ham. [Nina walks in]
Nina: Fez, we need to talk.
Kelso: Hey, he might not be from this country, but he's beautiful, dammit!
Fez: Nina, our relationship is over. My self respect demands it, and there is nothing you can say to make me change my mind.
Nina: Fez, my parents are jerks, and I want to get back at them by doing it with you on their bed.
Fez: [Long pause] Except that. Thanks Kelso! [Kelso pumps his fist in agreement, as Fez and Nina leave]

[Fez catches Red reading a romantic novel]
Fez: So you like those books too, Mr. Red?
Red: Alright fine, so you know. But you tell one person, and so help me God, I will chop down whatever tree you live in!

[Fez comes in looking extremely distraught.]
Donna: Fez, what happened? I haven't seen you look like this since you found out Candyland isn't a real country!

[Fez confronts Nina for breaking up with him.]
Fez: Nina, I thought we were so happy together. What happened?
Nina: Fez, right now I'm at a point in my--
Fez: Oh, cut the crap, heart-breaker! I want the truth!
Nina: Hey, the truth is you're too needy.
Fez: Too needy? I'm sorry, but a man in his sexual prime has needs. And you are lucky to have such a stallion at your disposal.
Nina: No, your needs are fine. It's your neediness that's the problem.
Fez: Then why didn't you say that?
Nina: I didn't want you to make a scene.
Fez: You didn't want me to make a scene? You didn't want me to make a scene! [dumps the food basket of the man at the next table] Ha! You dump Fez, I dump fries! There's your scene! [to the man with the basket] Here's a dollar. Sorry about the scene.

[Fez has been caught by the police while painting the water tower.]
Fez: Um... I am a painter from a foreign country, and this is my gift to America!
Police: Get off the water tower!
Fez: [raises his arms] People of America, I give you "Genitals in the Sky"!

[Fez has just fantasized a musical performance of the whole gang singing 'Sing a Song']
Fez: So what do you think?
Leo: I think whatever you're on I'll take two of em!