Al: Still mad at me 'cause I got you neutered?
Buck: What, do ya want me to dance for joy? Bring you a pipe and slippers? Roll over so you can rub my belly and see my shame?
Al: You know, I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate.
Buck: Yeah, right. Why don't you poke my eyes out? Maybe that'd do it?

Al: Sure, before you marry them, all women like football. But as soon as you say "I do"... they put on forty pounds, and the only hike you'll see is them hiking up their pants before they weld their butts to the sofa for the rest of their worthless lives.

Al: Thank you, Peg, for booking me on the Titanic.

Al: That's what's wrong with this country, Peg: every time something tears up, we call someone to fix it. Not like Grandpa Bundy. There was a fixin' man.
Bud: You mean Grandpa Hook?
Al: Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook, he didn't call anybody!
Peg: It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand.
Al: One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.

Al: The best way to ruin a heartfelt goodbye party is to stay where you're not wanted.

Al: The things that happen when you forget to pack your cyanide pill.

Al: The victory was ours, for the school, the championship, & for me, all city, & the legend, & then your mother... the end. OH GOD!

Al: The winning touchdown and son, that is the story of the greatest sport moment in all of history.

Al: There are two things Bundys don't do: we don't eat vegetables and we don't tap.

Al: This pie tin is worth 25 cents towards one of Aunt Matty's famous sweet potato pies.
Marcy: Well, if she's so famous, how come I haven't heard of her?
Al: I don't know. Maybe because she doesn't make chicken pies.

Al: Wait a second, Peg. Why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said "Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.
Peg: It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part-time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. And now you won't even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?
Al: Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him. And Kelly, well, she'll grow up to believe that a two-income family is a house with two husbands.

Al: We don't need the lottery. We have each other.
Peg: I want the lottery.

Al: Well we had a good time. Well you had a good time while mine blew chunks. I'd like to remind you, son, while you're figuring out my score, that if I don't get my driver's license, that means I can't drive. If I can't drive, I can't go to work. If I can't go to work, that means I'll have to stay home. And I'll be home all the time. Day and night. When you bring your dates over, I will be in my underwear. You know the underwear, don't you, son.
Bud: Not the ones that read "If you lived here, you'd be home now."
Al: And I'll be clipping my toenails and eating Cheez-Whiz from the can. Now let me ask you, son, HOW'D I DO?!!!
Bud{initimated}: You passed.

Al: Well, a special thanks to everyone who didn't get up this morning to drive me to work.
Bud: That's my bike. I reported it stolen.
Al: Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow. Today I just got a ticket for a broken tail-light.

Al: Well, according to my research, the cost of raising a baby from birth to college is approximately seven hundred and eighty thousand dollars. Thanks to my actually selling a shoe last week, I'm proud to say we're now just short seven hundred eighty thousand dollars. Thank you.