Al: Oh honey, that again. Come here a second, will ya? Let me tell you something. Now just 'cause I don't go to bed with you doesn't mean I don't love ya. I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful -- like that girl on TV -- I'd still ignore ya. 'Cause you're my wife!

Al: Oh, my God. The power's off, there's no tv. What are we going to do ,Peg?
Peg: Well, we could cuddle.
Al: Be serious, Peg.

Al: Oh, only my loving family. Now I'm wondering why I'm running FROM the axe.

Al: Oh, sure, our rights are not important? Anything a woman says is fine with us? Gee, when did men become such losers? It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to please us. They'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time. That's the natural order of things. What happened, Steve?
Steve: Well, Al...
Al: I'll tell you what happened, Steve. Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex, too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it, but it's work for us. Everything's work for us. It's this equality thing, it's killing us. You know who I blame?
Steve: The French?
[Al nods in agreement.]

Al: Okay. Well, maybe I have called death once, twice or a hundred times. But it's just something you say but you don't mean -- you know, like "How ya doing?" or "I love you."

Al: Once upon a time, there was a man who sold shoes. He was a good man, but somehow, good things never came to him. Did I mention he was a great athlete in high school? People cheered him. That was before the...Red THING appeared. Darkness fell on Shoetown. Who would take on the Red Beast? Who would battle? Who would marry it? The little shoeman stepped forward. Or perhaps the others just stepped back? At any rate, an unholy union was born. So were two unholy children. And the lowly shoeman, who once had been a mighty athlete in high school and scored 4 touchdowns in one game and had many offers to junior colleges and could've made something of his life! Laid down, and died. The End.

Al: Peg! Three little green aliens came in here and... they stole my socks!
Peg: Were they green before or after they touched your socks?

Al: Peg, feed me something or feed me to something. I just wanna be part of the food chain.

Al: Peg, I don't wanna go to our high school reunion. Can't we just forget the good times and get on with our lives?

Al: Peg, I'm telling you, me and the floor boards can't take any more of her.

Al: Peg, what is it with you? You can change six D batteries in the dark, but you can't find a two-ton automobile.
Peg: Let's not start talking about who can't find what in the dark.

Al: Pumpkin, it's not that we don't believe you. It's just that we don't believe in love.
Peg: That's why our marriage works.

Al: See, that car has been with us in good times and bad times.
Peg: And when are we getting to the good times?
Al: When you're on life support.

Al: See, till now, Peg, I always thought horoscopes were a load of hooey; but now that I hear "good luck's a comin," I realize that they're based on hard scientific data.

Al: Steve, let's go for a ride in the Mustang. Just sit and look coolly out the window and we'll pretend these [gesturing at their wives] are our mothers.