Al: Let me tell you a little something about sharing: don't do it. It can only come to trouble. Your mother and I shared a bed; nothing good came out of it.

Al: Let me tell you something, I served my country. I played high school football. Four touchdowns in one game, yet I'm not exempt of state and federal taxes. Is this how you treat us heroes? No, you flash that badge to some registered voter. We're Bundys, we hate cops!

Al: Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.
Woman: Hey you. Get my shoes.
Al: Yes, Ma'am.

Al: Look, I do not think I want to buy a time share.
Salesman: I guess I have to give up...but not before I play my trump card! Salesman turns on radio, which plays Kookie, Kookie. Edd Byrnes enters, which excites Peg Say hello to Edd "Kookie" Byrnes, star of 77 Sunset Strip! Now Edd, why did you come to Hurricane Hole?
Edd Byrnes: Because you gave me one for free, Stan.
Salesman{annoyed}: Well Kookie, guess you were a good actor but a lousy pitchman! to Peg & Al Look, all it is are easy payments of $6 a month.
Peg: Sir, please. My husband is on sabbatical from his job selling shoes and we just want to make love.
Salesman: Shoe salesman?! In that case I know you cannot afford $6 timeshare payments. I want you people off the premises by 5!
Salesman and Edd Byrnes leave, but Edd has helped himself to Al's stash of girlie magazines
Peg: Well, that still gives us plenty of time.
Peg makes out with a reluctant Al
Al: Oh no! I have no girlie magazines! Kookie, Kookie, give me back my Big 'Uns!

Al: Luckily the cop liked oldies, so he beat me with his nightstick to the tune of "Hey Jude." Then he wrote me up 18 tickets, including the one for bleeding on his pad.

Al: Luke, how can you go around and sleep with every woman you meet?
Luke: I don't know, but I do.

Al: Marcy, I'm saying this as a friend. Your body shows no signs of womanhood; it's obvious to me you're barren. And even if by some miracle you laid an egg, and then hatched a child, and tried to breast-feed, the poor kid would starve to death. Because, let's face it, Marce, there can't be enough in there for a cup of coffee. So having said that--with love--from one friend to another, I offer you the son you'll never have. Let me go get his clothes.

Al: Marcy, me and that Dodge have been together a long time.
Marcy: So have you and your hair and you got rid of that.

Al: My Pumpkin is becoming a princess. Gee, if only I could trade my cow for some magic beans.

Al: New cars for everybody! Peg, would you like a BMW?
Peg: Well, I kinda see myself in a Jaguar.
Al: Oh, if only we could find one that hungry.

Al: Nothing drowns your sorrows like a three-day binge at the Nudie Bar.

Al: Now here's all the money I've got. I want you to go out to a pharmacy and get some real medicine.
Kelly: Outside? But Daddy, what if someone sees my pimple?
Al: Pumpkin, it's dark. No one is going to see the pimple.
Kelly: I guess you're right. I guess I'm just being silly, huh?
[Kelly opens the front door]
Man on street: Woah, look at the zits on the blonde chick!
Kelly: Thank God he didn't see the pimple, huh?

Al: Now let me tell you something. We Bundys may have our faults; but we believe that marriage should be forever, no matter how pitiful or disgusting it may be to wake up to the same horrifying face each day. That's what the marriage vows are all about; and anyone who can't stand the nagging, bonbon-eating heat should stay out of the whining, sex-starved kitchen.

Al: Now listen here, Jerry. Bowling is a man's sport. If God had wanted women to bowl, he'd have put breasts on their backs to give us something to watch till it was our turn.

Al: Now remember, kids, this is your mother's first day at work. She's probably a little nervous, a little insecure. So when she comes down those stairs I want everyone to stand behind her like a family -- and try not to laugh.