Al: I want you to get back on that phone and do what you do best: shatter dreams.

Al: I was not born to be a busboy. I'm a shoe-man born & bred damn it.

Al: I welcome death!

Al: I would like to start with a genuine picture of the Loch Ness Monster.
Jefferson: My God, Al, that's horrific. What the hell is it?
Al: A picture of Peg's mom in the bathtub.

Al: I'd like to talk to you today about women. I don't like 'em. I mean, you folks are English, but even you can't like women. I mean, you're sitting home, watching sports, and that's the exact time that they pick to plant their ever widening, what you call bums next to you, and ask "Remember that restaurant we went to 18 years ago. Did you think that waitress was pretty?" Then you tell them to shut up, and they get mad. Now, I'm not proposing a solution, ‘cause I gotta go soon, I see my wife looking, but I'd just like to say "I don't like 'em." Now could I get a "Whoa, women. I DON'T LIKE 'EM?"
Crowd: Whoa, women. I DON'T LIKE 'EM.
Al: Oh, by the way, am I alone in hating the French.
Crowd: No!
Al: I thought not.

Al: I'm gonna hate these people.
Peg: You will not hate them. They are very nice.
Al: If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.

Al: I'm taking this fight to the place that stands for liberty, that stands for freedom of expression.
Jefferson: The Nudie Bar?
Al: No, but maybe first.

Al: It doesn't work any more, Peg.
Peg: What doesn't work?
Al: It.
Peg: How can you tell?
Al: I've been reading Playboy, Biguns, Littluns, Inbetweenuns -- nothing. Then I remembered it hasn't worked since the afternoon I saw Marcy do that horrible thing at the bank meeting. Marcy killed it Peg. You made it sick, but Marcy killed it.

Al: It was a bad day today, Peg. One minute the biggest woman in the world was in front of me. I was trying to wedge a size four on her foot with my lucky shoe horn. The next minute she was gone.
Peg: The woman died in your store?
Al: Not the woman Peg, the shoe horn. Look at it Peg, crushed like a beer can at a Raiders game.

Al: It's a remote control override. Peg. They're on sale at the Real Man's Shop.
Peg: Well, while you were there, why didn't you pick up a real man?
Al: Don't push it, Peg. It also overrides all of your other handheld electronic devices.

Al: It's not the dress that makes you look fat, it's the fat that makes you look fat!

Al: Jefferson, do you have 79 cents?
Jefferson: Why? You're paying off the house?

Al: Kelly, when I was a kid, there were lots of parties I wasn't invited to. I showed up anyway. I stood there with a big smile on my face and said, "I'm here." and headed right for the food. Sure, they didn't want me there, but I had a great time. And if they didn't, so what? The point is if you want to be there, be there. Even if they hate you. You're a Bundy. Start acting like one.

Al: Kids, just one quick question and that's it. Is your mother...
Bud: Repulsed by you?
Kelly: Disappointed financially and sexually by you?
Al: No. I don't care about that, you dolts. Is she pregnant? And Marcy?
Kelly: Do you think he's crazy?
Bud: He must be. He didn't ask about you.

Al: Labor Day... what does it mean to us? To answer that question, we must hark back to earlier times. You see, kids, while the cavewoman sat around getting fat, smoking cigarettes, and watching the Phil Jabberman show, the caveman braved the elements, risking life and limb, with only the hair on his back...
[Dissolve to later.]
Al: In 1492, Columbus brought Labor Day to America...
[Dissolve to still later.]
Al: ...and the women still did nothing! And that's what Labor Day means to me.