Al: Hey, Steve? [chuckles] You know that two feet, three inches? Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light.
Steve: Well, I warned you, Al.
Al: [chuckling] Yeah, oh yeah. You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day. Yeah, I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.

Al: Hey, wait a minute, guys. I know I'm the new guy here and its not my place to speak up, but what are we doing? We're men. We were put on this planet to... well, I don't know what we're put on this planet to do -- but we're here, damn it! And we're Americans and we have the right to use the best toilet system in the free world. Are we to use the gas station bathroom like some, some common of Russkie? We're being driven from our homes, room from room, running like a Frenchman from a cap gun. And from whom? From our women. They've taken our closets, driven us out our bedrooms by their very nakedness. Now, you guys can take it, but not this Yankee Doodie Dandy. Tonight, I'm reclaiming my toilet bowl.
Men cheer Al on; Al goes home
Man #2: How about yourself?
Man #1: I am taking my chances in there!
Man goes into broken bathroom
Bundy residence. Al enters to the tune of Bad to the Bone. He eats multiple tacos and drinks hot sauce from the bottle. Al heads up to the bathroom. Two minutes later, Peg and all of her classmates from interior decorating school flee Bundy residence
Screen crawl: And the very next day, Al got his bathroom back.

Al: How did a thing like this happen to you? Were you stood up to the prom? Go to prison? I know, it was summer camp, wasn't it? You sprained a muscle skinny dipping, and the beautiful blond counselor, let's call her Betty, carried you back to her cabin and gave you a massage; and before you knew it, you were a love slave in an all-girls sex cult.
Mandy: Yeah, that's what happened. You saw that in a video, didn't you, Al?
Al: Yeah, my favorite.
Mandy: Mine, too. So you don't have a problem with two women being together?
Al: No, as long as there's a guy watching.

Al: How long was I out?
Kelly: Six hours.
Al: Why didn't you call 911?
Kelly: I couldn't remember the number.

Al: I can't say I won and I can't say I lost. [looks at Peg] Well, I definitely can't say I won.

Al: I don't have to fall asleep after sex. I want to fall asleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.

Al: I don't wanna have sex with you. You're my wife, for Godsakes.

Al: I forgot my wallet, Peg.
Bud: He's such a nerd.
Peg: Now, kids, give your father a chance. (To Al) So, what are your going to do, idiot?

Al: I have a strange yearning for some melons. [sees Marcy] and a plucked chicken.

Al: I have the perfect plan to figure this whole thing out. Now what we'll do is we'll just sit here and we'll name every song that was ever made until we get it.

Al: I hope one of these bills is for a coffin, because your shopping is killing me.

Al: I know the perfect room. A pool room for you and me.
Steve: I don't know. I think we should get a room we both like.
Al: Well, she's got one. She's got the kitchen!

Al: I lost the pictures.
Aliens pose for new pictures
Al: No, sorry, guys, I busted the camera in my anger. Nothing ever goes right for me. Sometimes I wonder if Al Bundy was ever meant to be in this universe at all.
Aliens put arms over Al in support
Al: Thanks, guys. You can have my socks. By the way, what do you need them for?
Aliens: PEZUZU.
Subtitle: FUEL.
Narrator: It was a time of great darkness. A giant comet cut a path of destruction through the universe. The one man who could save them all was unappreciated on his homeworld. But on planet Preludon, they still sing songs about the man whose socks created fuel for the ships that battled the comet and stopped it, savings hundreds of worlds to include Earth. This man's name? Al Bundy!

Al: I saw those numbers just as plain as I see Bea Arthur's face on that TV.
Jefferson: That's Fidel Castro.

Al: I think I may have been a little too harsh on my son. After all, the only thing he really did wrong was go in the library in the first place. The rest was totally understandable. I mean, we men have our needs. It's women who tell us these things are wrong. And why? Because they want to take away the only good sex we have.