Steve: And none of you could tell me that she was married.
Peg: We don't like to use the "M word" in front of the children.

Steve: I feel unworthy of someone like Marcy.
Al: Yeah, she is a special person. By the way, here is her wedding ring that she lost down some guy's jock in a strip club last night. Anyway, how do you like those Bears this year?
Steve: Wait a sec, Al. What's this about Marcy's wedding ring?
Al: Oh yeah, yeah, ah...it was returned to me by the stripper whose underpants it was wedged in.
Steve: WHAT?!
Al: A stripper who called himself "Zorro" came to deliver the ring to me, said he got a message it belonged to Marcy.
Steve: I cannot believe this.
Al: Do not get upset at all this. Look at it as a "Get Out of Jail Free" card.
Steve: What do you mean?
Al: Use it next time Marcy is really angry at you. For example, she could be having one of her women's meetings and you could come in and say something like "12 women in the house and the dishes are dirty?" Then they all start getting mad at you. Then you just smile, pat your pocket, and make the sign of the Z.

Steve: I happen to love my wife, Al. Oh, God. What am I going to tell Marcy? What am I going to tell Marcy? What if she leaves me? Who'll have me? A bald banker. Did you ever see a bald guy flirt? It's pathetic. What's my fate, Al? To stand in a singles bar with a sign that says "Please"?

Steve: It's not just a car, honey -- it's a piece of history. A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior.
Marcy: Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?
Steve: Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you.

Steve: So, what are you getting Peggy for Valentine's Day? Fur? Jewels? A car?
Al: If it was only that easy. I'm gonna have sex with her. Yeah, it's kind of a tradition. Every Valentine's Day I climb those stairs, you know, walk the last mile, and slam-dunk her one. It's a spin through hell for me, but she seems to like it.
Steve: I only pray that after 16 years Marcy and I will have that kind of magic between us.
Al: Steve, if it was magic I could do it from down here in front of the TV.

Steve: They think back: "Let's see... who was the last person in the bank on Saturday? Who had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades. No wonder he called in sick today. Well, let's turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life". Of course I'll turn you in, and as soon as we're both behind bars, I'm going to kill you. And if I can't do it myself, I'll make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours.

Steve: You know what we say at the bank: when opportunity knocks, that's us foreclosing.

TV Producer: Listen, I've been making TV since, well, since my wife was born. And do you know what I have learned? Nothing! You people learn more by watching it than we learn by making it!

Uncle Otto: You're not good enough for our family.
Al: Yeah, I've never been up on a morals charge.
Season 3

Vinnie: Mona, why don't you come back a little later.
Mona: Really? When?
Vinnie: When you're no longer a felony.

Whisper: [Al sits int he basement, head in his hands] If you build it he will come. If you want them to build it for you, Press 1.

Winston: Hey... come over to our side, yeah? Yeah. Your death will be quicker.
Trevor: No! Come to our side! At least we won't eat you afterwards.
Winston: That is an ugly rumor, started by people who are jealous! Besides, it's dark over here. We couldn't tell. It's hard to know what we were eating sometimes, wasn't it?

Woman: I'll have your jobs for this.
Al: Fine, if we can trade for what's in your fridge.

Woman: Look: I'm a 5, and you are going to sell me a 5 if I have to sit here all night.
Al: So because you're mad at me, you're gonna take it out on a perfectly innocent chair? A chair that has suffered enough already.
Woman: Well, I have just about had enough of you.
Al: Well, you wouldn't say that if I came with fries and a medium drink. You know, medium: the size between small and you.

Yummy: I love a man who's on top of things.
Al: And I love a woman with things on top.