Peg: What's wrong with you getting a second job?
Al: Peg, let me state this as clearly as I can. I would rather rip off my nose with a can opener. I would rather bob for apples in a sewer. I would rather have a catheter the size of a garden hose before I get another job to pay for your shopping.

Peg: Where are you going?
Al: Where do you think I'm going?
Peg: To the "Mr. Pudding Belly" tryouts?

Peg: Which brings us to a little promise you made just last spring...
Al: Sex again. Peg, we've been married for seventeen years. Now can't we just be friends?
Peg: No! I don't like you, I just want to have sex with you.

Peg: You know what would really help me go to sleep?
Al: Yes I do Peg, but I don't think we can get Dr. Kevorkian on such short notice.

Peg: You know, Al, since we're in a castle... crown me, baby!
Al: Ah, what the hell, it's the first thing I had to pay for this whole trip. All right, Peg, go ahead and say it, what am I, baby?
Peg: You're the king, baby.
Al: Make me believe it.
Peg: Who's gonna make me believe it?

Peg: You know, I've always wanted a place where I could stretch out and do nothing.
Al: Well, get in the car: I'll take you to the morgue.

Peg: You never bring me flowers.
Al: I would if you died.

Peg: You see, in this country, my husband is a very powerful man. He's a shoe salesman.
Ms. Garcia: Really? In my country, shoe salesmen are laughed at by everyone, including beggars and the feeble-minded.
Peg: Our countries are very much alike.

Peggy: Steve and Marcy throw a nice party, don't they?
Al: Well, it would have been nicer if we were actually invited. You know, Peg, I didn't like those people very much. Bunch of boring bankers. They just kept staring at me.
Peggy: Well, you did overflow the toilet and not tell anyone.
Al: I don't tell anyone when I do it here! But you gotta give me credit. I did try to liven things up!
Peggy: You know, I don't think a bankers' party is the right place to stand on the buffet and yell "Hey, let's wet down the wives' T-shirts and rate their hooters!"

Peggy: Bud, was I a good mother?
Bud: Well, you must have been. I was the only 8-month-old baby who knew how to change his own diaper.

Peggy: So where's my anniversary gift?
Al: Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it. [goes out to the garage, tries to start the car and comes back inside] Happy anniversary.
Peggy: A can of motor oil?
Al: 40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.

Salesman: Welcome to Hurricane Hole! Oops, sorry, let me get that for you.
Salesman sprays an insect on the wall
Peg: Sir, we are on our honeymoon! You could at least have the decency to allow us to have sex and wait another eight seconds before you barge in here!

Shirley: Al Bundy, you are charged with Crimes Against Obesity.
[The fat women marches in the shoe store]
Fat Women: 2, 4, 6, 8, Don't make fun of our weight. 2, 4, 6, 8, Don't make fun of our Weight!
Al: [standing up] 1, 2, 3, 4, You're gonna fall through the floor.

Sketch Artist: So you were robbed by a pirate who looks like Brad Pitt? Are you sure this is who we're looking for?
Peg: Well, he's who I'm looking for.

Steve: [stands up, clears his throat and goes to the jurors] Hello, everyone! Anyhow, my wife and I and Peggy and Al Bundy went to the Hop-On Inn to indulge in a little clean marital fun. On separate occasions, of course. During the course of our wholesome bliss, our romantic activities, the reaffirmation of the love we share, and... whatever the Bundys were doing... our conjugal privacy was invaded. Yes, we were violated by video cameras! [Marcy hides her face behind her hand.] But first I think you should hear some background that I believe is germane to this case. My grandfather came to this country, poor man...
[Minutes go by.]
Steve: Then, in World War II, my uncle Nick wiped out more Nazi dogs with venereal disease...