Marcy: Peggy, I really don't think Al is cheating on you. I took an impromptu poll of all the women I know, and as far as his desirability... Al ranked below ALF, which means they'd rather make love to a piece of cloth with a man's hand in it than with your husband.

Marcy: Peggy, Kelly, as your civil defense block captain, I'm taking charge. You are to follow my orders without asking any questions.
Kelly: So we're supposed to act like Mr. Darcy?

Marcy: Please Al, my job is on the line.
Al: Oh, well that changes nothing.

Marcy: Steve, don't tell them about your insane quest to create the 99 cent coin.
Steve: Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hassle you on the way to your Mercedes. Think of it, Al. Anything you want, you just plunk down old number 99. It's a plan without flaws.
Al: What about tax?
Steve: You sound just like those fools in the Treasury Department.
Marcy: Well, dear, maybe if you hadn't have insisted on putting your picture on the coin.
Steve: Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you.
Marcy: And audit you for five straight years.

Marcy: The last time I saw this many people in a bank, I closed my windows and went to lunch.

Marcy: The women are wearing my favorite scent: Dust.

Marcy: Well, now I know everything will be okay. Because the man who sifts through my garbage for food is going to break the bank in Las Vegas.

Marcy: Well, Steve forgave me. He's the most wonderful man in the world...
Peg: Al, why can't you be more like Steve?
Marcy: ...and he's impotent!
Peg: My God, you are like Steve.

Marcy: What are you guys laughing at?
Jefferson: Nothing. We're just happy to be here with the women we love.
Al: And you guys.

Marcy: What's Mr. Potato Head doing here?
Al: Well, I don't know: you married him.
Marcy: Not that Mr. Potato Head, the one that's actually worth something.

Marcy: When you came over to borrow the salt and we said "Take whatever you want," you might have misunderstood. Which brings me to our flatware.
Al: I didn't steal your bra.

Mark: Now, remember, we're gonna be giving away free limo service to this Friday's formal to the student with the most pathetic reason for wanting it. [phone rings] You're on the air.
Bud: Uh, hi. This is Bud Bundy and I'm trying to--
Mark: Bud Bundy, we have our winner.

Officer Dan: Al, I thought we agreed you weren't going to carry a gun.
Al: Don't worry. I know how to handle this thing.
Peg: That's what he said on our honeymoon.

Peg: [awakens from her sugar coma] Mom, I had the most horrible dream: I was married to a shoe salesman.

Peg: [reading "Sexual Intimacy" card] "If your lover was suddenly unable to perform..." [Al lowers head] "and was a shoe salesman, and named Al..."
Al: Give me that. There's no way it could possibly say that. [reads the card and suddenly looks amazed] Oh, my God, it does!
Peg: "And an old lover came to town..." They must mean Jim. "Would you have a sleazy affair with him?" ... Yeah.