Married... with Children quotes
396 total quotesAll Seasons
Season 1
Season 2
Season 3
Season 4
Season 5
Season 6
Season 7
Season 8
Season 9
Season 10
Season 11
Marcy: Allow me to quote from your official student handbook "Abstinence Saves Lives." And what guarantees abstinence better than self-love? Constant, never-ending self-love? I ask you to look at this young man. Would you rather he do what he did or be out there breeding?
Marcy: God, I hate men!
Al: I thought you were man's best friend. Oh wait, that's a dog, not a chicken. Sorry, Marce.
Al: I thought you were man's best friend. Oh wait, that's a dog, not a chicken. Sorry, Marce.
Marcy: Hey, Stubby, we heard about what happened, so we got you a card.
Jefferson: I talked her out of the "Ask me about me circumcision" bumper sticker.
Marcy: [reading from the card] We heard about your little loss. We know you'll make it through, Because thankfully the part they took Was of no use to you. And though they took more than you'd like, The good luck is, you see, Another quarter inch would have been A full lobotomy.
Jefferson: I talked her out of the "Ask me about me circumcision" bumper sticker.
Marcy: [reading from the card] We heard about your little loss. We know you'll make it through, Because thankfully the part they took Was of no use to you. And though they took more than you'd like, The good luck is, you see, Another quarter inch would have been A full lobotomy.
Marcy: How long does it take to dry a dress?
Peg: In the machine's defense, Al fixed that too.
Al: I have an announcement: "Shut up."
Season 2
Peg: In the machine's defense, Al fixed that too.
Al: I have an announcement: "Shut up."
Season 2
Marcy: I'm so excited! Steve has been gone for 5 days. That's the longest we've been apart since we've been married. Well, you know how it is, Peg. What would you do if Al was gone for 5 days?
Peg: Cash in his insurance policy, give the kids to my mother, and travel.
Peg: Cash in his insurance policy, give the kids to my mother, and travel.
Marcy: If I had my way, I'd have them round up everyone of those inconsiderate savages, bury them up to their necks and run them over with the grain reaper.
Peg: You know, I feel the same way about that Pippi Longstocking girl. God I hate her!
Peg: You know, I feel the same way about that Pippi Longstocking girl. God I hate her!
Marcy: Jefferson, can I have a word with you in our own kitchen by the recently sharpened knives?
Marcy: Look, we know Bela can be loud and annoying, and the whole neighborhood hates his guts, but at least he's a good protector.
Bud: Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!
Bud: Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!
Marcy: Oh Peggy! What am I gonna do? I don't know how much longer I can hold out. But I will not give up my principles for an hour and a half of pleasure.
Peg: Look, you don't have to give up any...An hour and a half? If you add up all the sex Al and I have ever had, it STILL doesn't come to an hour and a half. At least not of pleasure.
Peg: Look, you don't have to give up any...An hour and a half? If you add up all the sex Al and I have ever had, it STILL doesn't come to an hour and a half. At least not of pleasure.
Marcy: Oh, Peggy, I'm so worried about Steve. He's acting very strangely. Last night we had sex and he wore a sombrero.
Peg: Ooh! The ribbed kind?
Marcy: On his head, Peggy. It's a hat.
Peg: You have to put your foot down. If I didn't, Al world still be wearing the walkman.
Peg: Ooh! The ribbed kind?
Marcy: On his head, Peggy. It's a hat.
Peg: You have to put your foot down. If I didn't, Al world still be wearing the walkman.
Marcy: Oh, Peggy, what are you going to do with $10,000?
Peg: Well, I think I'll give it to the needy. Of course, I needy it all.
Peg: Well, I think I'll give it to the needy. Of course, I needy it all.
Marcy: OK, I admit it. There are times I do need a man in my life. Oh, boys!
[Chicago Police enter and arrest all the men.]
Officer Dan: Is that Jerry Springer?
Patrolman: Yes, sir.
Officer Dan: Tie him back up, I hate that guy!
[Chicago Police enter and arrest all the men.]
Officer Dan: Is that Jerry Springer?
Patrolman: Yes, sir.
Officer Dan: Tie him back up, I hate that guy!
Marcy: Peggy, I need to ask you something. Have you ever done something that you didn't remember the next day?
Peg: Well, having the kids.
Marcy: No, I mean have you ever done anything that you really regretted?
Peg: Having the kids.
Peg: Well, having the kids.
Marcy: No, I mean have you ever done anything that you really regretted?
Peg: Having the kids.