Married... with Children quotes
396 total quotesAll Seasons
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Season 11
Kelly: Well, I just saved your worthless hides, and I think I deserve a hearty, "Good job, Kelly, thank you."
Al: Well, you might have gotten a nice thank you if you hadn't said we'd move faster if we lightened the load, then unhitched the horse!
Al: Well, you might have gotten a nice thank you if you hadn't said we'd move faster if we lightened the load, then unhitched the horse!
Kelly: What do you think?
Bud: You no longer look like a North American slut, you look like a South American slut.
Kelly: That's exactly the look I was going for.
Bud: You no longer look like a North American slut, you look like a South American slut.
Kelly: That's exactly the look I was going for.
Kelly: You know what I'd do if my lover lost interest in me?
Bud: Sleep with his parole officer?
Bud: Sleep with his parole officer?
Kid: I wanna sit on your lap.
Al: [dressed as Santa] All right, but make it quick. Santa has hemorrhoids.
Al: [dressed as Santa] All right, but make it quick. Santa has hemorrhoids.
Lady: Anything else I can do for you?
Peg: Al, maybe she can bend down again and pick up your tongue.
Al: Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy.
Peg: Al, maybe she can bend down again and pick up your tongue.
Al: Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy.
Leona: I want my money back. These shoes are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I've only worn them once, and they split at the sides.
Al: Let me explain this. It's just like an elevator. There's a two-ton weight limit. What say I just nail the soles to your feet? It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.
Leona: You'll be hearing from my attorney!
Al: Is that the law offices of Haagen and Dazs?
Al: Let me explain this. It's just like an elevator. There's a two-ton weight limit. What say I just nail the soles to your feet? It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.
Leona: You'll be hearing from my attorney!
Al: Is that the law offices of Haagen and Dazs?
Lisa: No! Look, you don't seem to understand me. I want something that goes with this dress.
Al: A bubbling cauldron?
Lisa: You've got a lot of nerve.
Al: I need it to get this close to your feet.
Al: A bubbling cauldron?
Lisa: You've got a lot of nerve.
Al: I need it to get this close to your feet.
Lucifer: All right, Mr. Bundy: since you find hell such a picnic, uh, how about this? For the rest of eternity, you'll never see your family again.
Al: This is heaven.
Al: This is heaven.
Luke: [to Al] The day Luke Ventura can't help a friend is the day he has something better to do.
Madam Olga: I feel very strong vibrations here.
Al: [to Peg] Did you leave your toy running under the couch again?
Peg: No, it's in the shop getting turbo charged.
Al: [to Peg] Did you leave your toy running under the couch again?
Peg: No, it's in the shop getting turbo charged.
Man: Hey, Bundy! I had steak tonight. What are you havin'?
Al: If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife.
Al: If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife.
Mandy: Actually, Al, I'm involved.
Al: Who's the lucky guy?
Mandy: Barbara.
Al: Barbara? Sounds like he's a little light in the loafers.
Mandy: Actually, she's a little heavy in the construction boots.
Al: Who's the lucky guy?
Mandy: Barbara.
Al: Barbara? Sounds like he's a little light in the loafers.
Mandy: Actually, she's a little heavy in the construction boots.
Marcy You know, Al. There may be something on this planet with fewer brain cells than you. But whatever it is -- wherever it is -- I'm sure its name is Bundy! You should be on all fours, carting a wagon full of borax across the desert! You're compost! You're phlegm! You are a true pork product!
Al: Are you gonna take my advice?
Marcy: [defeated] Yes.
Al: Are you gonna take my advice?
Marcy: [defeated] Yes.
Marcy: [about their dog] Steve, is he really dead?
Steve: Yes, dear.
Marcy: How do you know?
Steve: Well, number one: he didn't respond to any of my commands... And number two: his brains are in the begonias.
Steve: Yes, dear.
Marcy: How do you know?
Steve: Well, number one: he didn't respond to any of my commands... And number two: his brains are in the begonias.