Diane: For the first time in my life I let appearance taint my feelings towards a man.
Sam: Boy, you know what's wrong with you? You just can't be honest with yourself. Looks are all that ever mattered to you.
Diane: What are you talking about? That is utterly inaccurate.
Sam: Oh yeah. You want me to prove it to you?
Diane: Yes.
Sam: Who were you more crazy about than anyone else in your entire life? Not including yourself there. It was me. And there was only one reason you ever went out with me and that was because of my looks.
Diane: Not entirely.
Sam: Yes, entirely. Name one other reason why anyone would go out with me. Come on. Name one. You can't, can you?
Diane: [smiling] No Sam, I can't.

Diane: I would like to see you in your office. I have something I want to give you.
Sam: How about a spanking? I think I deserve it.

Diane: Look at all the people who've fallen hopelessly in love with me with only the slightest encouragement. You, Frasier...
Sam: Yourself.

Frasier: Sam, I've come to a very important decision. I've just taken stock of myself.
Carla: It's not exactly AT&T, is it?
Frasier: I'm going to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. In order to do that I've got to hit rock bottom first.
Carla: For you, that's three flights up.
Sam: Carla, you want to see if anyone in the back has open wounds to salt.

Frasier:Everyone, I'd like you to meet my date, Dr. Lilith Sternin: MD, PhD, EDD, APA.
Woody: Boy, it sure isn't spelled like it sounds.

Janet: Since things are over between you and Diane, I wonder why she still continues to work here.
Sam: She's gotta work someplace.
Janet: She owe you money that's she trying to work off?
Sam: No.
Janet: Would you lose customers if she leave?
Sam: No. As a matter of fact, I'd probably get a few back if I did let her go.

Nick: Hello sweetcakes. You been thinking about me?
Diane: Only during flea and tick season.
Nick: Well in my neighborhood, that's all year round.
Diane: I'm sure it is.

Norm: It's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.

Norm: Mr. Reinhardt. Hi, sir. What a coincidence that you caught me in here. I was just using the washroom.
Mr. Reinhardt: At ease, Peterson. We know you spend a lot of time here. This is where we send your checks.

Phyllis: Oh, Norm. Where did we go wrong?.
Norm: I don't know. I've been racking my brain trying to figure it out. I mean, day after day, night after night, I sit on that stool out there wondering: why did she lose interest in me?

Sam: Bowling?
Carla: I've got this theory, Sam. You see all those other sports require real athletic ability but with bowling we got the makings of a great team.
Sam: Carla...
Carla: Listen. Listen. Any bowling alley what do you see? A bunch of out of shape, big couch potatoes who do nothin' but sit around and swill beer.
Norm: All right. We're number one.

Sam: Hey, look at this: a letter for Carla Tortelli.
Carla: What?
Sam: [withholds the letter, teasing her] Hmm, my goodness.
Carla: Let me see. Come on.
Sam: What's the magic word?
Carla: Gelding!
Sam: That's the one. [gives her the letter]

Sam: Listen Anthony, I know you like Annie a lot.
Anthony: No, no, I love her.
Sam: Anthony, there's only two times a man uses that word; tennis and when he's already paid for the room, you know what I mean.

Sam: The Fraternal Order of the Caribou are sending a group over.
Diane: Great. Loud-mouthed, rowdy conventioneers. drinking like fish, swearing like sailors and putting their paws all over us.
Carla: Yeah, happy birthday to me.

Sam: What do you say, Norm?
Norm: Any cheap tawdry thing that will get me a beer.