Diane [into telephone]: Yes, I'll take a message.
[Pause, then Diane hangs up the phone]
Sam: Well?
Diane: "You're a magnificent pagan beast."
Sam: Thanks. What's the message?

Coach: Norm, you're in here every night, doesn't your wife ever wonder where you're at?
Norm: Wonders... doesn't care, but she wonders.

Sam: My life isn't fun anymore. It's because of you.
Diane: Because of me?
Sam: Yeah, you're a snob.
Diane: A snob!
Sam: Yeah, that's right.
Diane: Well, you're a rapidly aging adolescent.
Sam: Well I would rather be that than a snob.
Diane: Well I would rather be a snob.
Sam: Good because you are.

Sam: Well I guess I've, uh, I've never looked at your eyes.
Diane: Is something wrong with them?
Sam: No I uh, I just don't think I've ever saw eyes that color before. Matter of fact I don't think I've ever seen that color before. Yes I have, yes I have.
Diane: Where?
Sam: I was uh, I was on a ski weekend, up at Stowe. I uh, was coming in late one day � uh, last person off the slope � the sun had just gone down. And the sky became this incredible color. I usually don't uh, notice things like that, and I found myself kind of walking around in the cold, hoping that it wouldn't change; wishing that I had someone there to share it with me. Afterwards I tried to convince myself I had imagined that color; that I hadn't really seen it. Nothing on this earth could be this beautiful. Now I see I was wrong. [Pause] Wouldn't work, huh?
Diane: What?
Sam: Intelligent women would see right through that.
Diane: Oh...oh! In a minute!

Diane: Hi doctor.
Dr. Graham: Hi Diane. How are you?
Diane: In what sense?
Dr. Graham: Pardon me?
Diane: Oh you mean how are you, right. Not you know how are you. Well if that's what you meant, I'm fine.

Sam: How did you know that?
Diane: Well I picked it up in pre-law.
Sam: I thought you were an English major.
Diane: Well that was after art and before psychology.
Sam: Is there anything you weren't in college?
Carla: Blonde.
Diane: Check the yearbook, Carla.

Diane: I'm sorry I was late, Sam. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
Sam: Yeah, yeah but you wouldn't.

Coach: How's life treating you Norm?
Norm: Like I ran over its dog.

Lisa: Daddy, isn't it obvious to you?
Coach: Nothing is ever obvious to me.

Lisa: Look at me, Dad, I'm not--beautiful.
Coach: You look just like your mother.
Lisa: And Mom was not-- [Pause] comfortable with her beauty.
Coach: But that's what made her more beautiful. Your mother grew more beautiful every day of her life.

Diane: Rebecca, is there something wrong?
Rebecca Prout: [sobbing] Oh Diane, you could always see beyond my facade of gaiety!

Diane: You're offended because she thought you were a scum bag?
Sam: No. I actually like that.

Sam: Say didn't we used to have a weekly Elizabethan poet night?
Norm: It started getting too rowdy.
Cliff: I remember the night you were charged with practicing iambic pentameter without a license.

Diane: You know, Sam. If I am to serve both as a waitress and the butt of jokes I think I should make more money.
Carla: Yeah, what does a good butt make in this town?
...
Sam: [to Diane] We all know that you'd starve to death before you made a living with your body.

Diane: What could happen?
Sam: Oh nothing, oh nothing. Two women left alone who hate each other in a room filled with glass and alcohol.