Sam: Well I guess I've, uh, I've never looked at your eyes.
Diane: Is something wrong with them?
Sam: No I uh, I just don't think I've ever saw eyes that color before. Matter of fact I don't think I've ever seen that color before. Yes I have, yes I have.
Diane: Where?
Sam: I was uh, I was on a ski weekend, up at Stowe. I uh, was coming in late one day � uh, last person off the slope � the sun had just gone down. And the sky became this incredible color. I usually don't uh, notice things like that, and I found myself kind of walking around in the cold, hoping that it wouldn't change; wishing that I had someone there to share it with me. Afterwards I tried to convince myself I had imagined that color; that I hadn't really seen it. Nothing on this earth could be this beautiful. Now I see I was wrong. [Pause] Wouldn't work, huh?
Diane: What?
Sam: Intelligent women would see right through that.
Diane: Oh...oh! In a minute!

Diane: Norman, may I talk to you for a minute?
Norm: Yeah, sure. What's up?
Diane: You make me sick. You're a quitter, Norman! No, you're worse than that, you're a non-starter. You don't even try. You sit around the bar all day, you sit around your house all day, you sit around here all day, you sit around life all day! How are you going to feel at the end of your life when you're lying-no, make that sitting, on your death bed and you realize the only thing you've done in your life was sit around, and watch people do things, make things out of their lives? Well, maybe you're right, Norman. Maybe you're not meant for success, maybe you're meant for exactly what you are-nothing.
Norm: Diane, you have no right to say that to me.
Diane: Oh, Norman, I only said those things because I care about you.
Norm: You must care an awful lot about me.
Diane: Yes, I do. We all do. We're your friends, Norman, and we're all tired of seeing you give up so easily.

Norm: Yeah, Cliffy had himself the "Ton O' T-Bone". For less than four bucks you get 24 ounces of USDA Choice "bef".
Cliff: Bef? No, you mean beef.
Norm: Beef? Don't be ridiculous, Cliffy. That stuff is "bef". You see it's a Hungry Heifer trademark for a processed, synthetic � what � meat-like substance.
Cliff: Ah, no.
Norm: What do you expect for four bucks? You see me complainin' about the "loobster"?

[Cliff enters the bar]
Sam: Hey, Cliffy. How ya doin'?
Cliff: Not well, Sam. Boy am I mad. I've never been this upset! Three words, fellas. Three words... "Dames is grief"!
Norm: Fighting with ma, huh?
Cliff: Oh and how. Seems like that's all we do anymore. You know, you'd think it'd be a perfect set-up: a mother and a grown son living in a one-bedroom apartment. But, no. Reality check, gentlemen! Life is not like the movies, I guess, huh.
Sam: I'm sure it'll all blow over, Cliffy.
Cliff: Oh, no way, Sammy; not this time. I tell you that broad's pushed me too hard - too hard, I tell ya! And it's about time I started pushin' back. She's just gone and created a monster, that's all. But this monster is not gonna lie in some tomb of ice, no siree. My anger will melt that ice so that I might rise up and... and crush the Tokyo of the buildings there beneath the talons of my animosity...
Frasier: [interrupts] Cliff. Cliff. We all appreciate how hard you're working on this metaphor, but we get the idea.

Alex: And it takes us to Cliff. Cliff, good news for you. Both of your opponents came up with incorrect responses, and what that means is that even if you're wrong, and as long as you didn't do anything foolish, like wager everything, you're a cinch winner.
Cliff: Well then, we don't have to see my answer, do we, Alex? [Places his jacket over his monitor.] I will see you at the Tournament of Champions.
Alex: [Taking the jacket from Cliff's monitor.] Cliff, we're running out of time, and we are gonna have to take a look at your response. You wrote down... "Who are three people who've never been in my kitchen?" No, I'm sorry, that too is wrong. The correct response is "Who are the real names of Cary Grant, Tony Curtis, and Joan Crawford?"
Cliff: Well, be that as it may, Alex, those people have never been in my kitchen.
Alex: Well, I'm sure they haven't. But obviously that's not what we were going for when we wrote up that clue.
Cliff: Obvious to who?
Alex: Cliff, it's all right. You don't have to worry. Unless you risked more than $21,600, you will be the new Jeopardy! champion. So let's take a look and see what your wager was. You bet... 22,000 Big Ones! Takes you down to $0. You bet it all. Cliff, why would you do something like that?
Cliff: It's because I knew that those people have never been in my kitchen! You can ask them, come on! Tony Curtis is still alive! Get them on the phone. Go ahead! I'll pay for the call.
Alex: It isn't gonna work Cliff, sorry. Agnes, $400 isn't a big total, but today, that is gonna make you Jeopardy! champion. Congratulations.
Cliff: No, she's not! I'm the champion! I answered all those questions. You saw me America!
Norm: Come on, let's leave now, nobody will know we were with him. [Woody and Norm leave from the audience]
Cliff: Tony Curtis, if you're out there and you can hear me, call in and I'll split the pot with you! Oh for crying out loud, look at. Any mail carriers out there?

Sam: I keep askin' myself: what is the point to life?
Woody: Whew. That's a tough question.
Cliff: Ehh. Well, I got the answer.
Frasier: Somehow I knew you would.
Cliff: Comfortable shoes.
Frasier: Shoes?
Cliff: Yeah. If you're not wearin' comfortable shoes, life is just chaos. I mean the greatest accomplishments in history have been made by men wearin' accommodating shoes. Uh, Frasier, tell me, who do you think is the greatest thinker in all mankind?
Frasier: I don't know, uh... Aristotle.
Cliff: There you go: sandals. Perhaps the most comfortable shoe there is. You hardly even know you have them on. I mean Confucius: thongs. Einstein: loose loafers.

Alex: And here are the categories for you, "Civil Servants", "Stamps From Around The World", "Mothers And Sons", "Beer", "Bar Trivia", and finally, "Celibacy".
Woody: Man, this has to be Mr. Clavin's dream board.
Norm: Sure. He's home free as long as he doesn't get too cocky.
Alex: Cliff, can I get you to pick a category and an amount?
Cliff: Why don't you go ahead and pick any one you want? I mean, I am feeling lucky today! Woah!
Norm: Uh oh.

Carla: [about gay men] I'm not exactly crazy about them. I mean I get enough competition from women. I'm tell you if guys keep coming out of the closet there isn't going to be anybody left to date and I'm going to have to start going out with girls. [looks at Diane] Ewww.
Diane: Carla, you don't have to worry about me. I like my dates a little more masculine than you. Not much but a little.

Candi: What's your name?
Frasier: Oh, uh... Dr. Frasier Crane.
Candi: I'm Candi.
Frasier: Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an "I".
Candi: Well, I used to spell it with a "Y" but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an "I". You know, like Gandhi.
Frasier: Yes, yes. I understand that's why he did it.

Carla: Buy yourself a melon in case you misplace your head.
John Hill: Tell me Carla, clinically speaking are you considered a dwarf or a midget?
Carla: Say is that your head or is your neck blowing a bubble?
John Hill: Somebody phone the authorities in Paris. The gargoyle has just fallen off Notre Dame and is now taking drink orders.
Carla: You know two heads like that would make a perfectly good butt.
John Hill: Shrike.
Carla: Bullet head.
John Hill: Slattern.
Carla: Hatchet face.
John Hill: Well must be off. Till next month then.
Carla: He's good people.

Carla: [about going to the Postman's Ball with Diane, Cliff, and a blind date] This is going to be a laugh a minute. An evening with the Stick, the Nerd, and Door Number Three.

Carla: [to an upset Diane] What is it this time, bleach bag?
Sam: Carla, I'm the employer here. I can handle this. What is it this time, bleach bag?

Carla: [about Rebecca] Ah, well don't feel bad Sam. Just because everybody else got her something. The pretzel salesman, the beer distributor, the relief bartender, the guy she fired after one day.
Sam: Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute though. All those guys were just trying to get her into the sack.
[Carla gives Sam a stare.]
Sam: I've got some shopping to do!

Anthony: Forget him, my father's a bum.
Carla: Hey don't you talk about your father that way.
Anthony: Okay he's a sleazy bum.
Carla: That's better.

Diane: [After Thompkins steals Norm's proposal to the Board of Directors] Now now, Norman, you can't let this faze you, all right? You have to keep pushing. I know that this idea didn't succeed, but others will.
Norm: No no, Diane. Look, a few minutes ago, I almost made the biggest mistake of my professional life and it was because I was doing something that just wasn't me. I am not a go-getter, I've never been a go-getter, what's more, I don't even want to be a go-getter. I'm very happy right where I am. I'm so sick of all these people saying "Peterson, you gotta push", "You gotta get ahead", "You gotta make that goal". I don't even want to make the goal, Diane. I want to be a bench warmer. The world needs bench warmers. If there were no bench warmers, what would we have? Cold benches. A lot of cold benches and the world does not need that. You know something, I'm very happy with being an anonymous cog in this field of work.
Diane: Norman, I've never seen you so impassioned like this before.
Norm: That's because I believe in this, Diane. I'll tell you something else, Norm Peterson may be a motionless lump, but he's a damn good one.