Carla: I have a way with inanimate objects.
Cliff: Maybe you'd like to take a crack at Norm here.

Carla: I know everything about you, Malone.
Sam: Yeah, right.
Carla: Your favorite color is blue. Your favorite hobby is sailing. And your taste in women is not what it used to be.
Sam: Right across the board. You do know me.
Carla: A lot better than you know me.
Sam: Yeah?
Carla: Yeah.
Sam: Your favorite meal is Chicken McNuggets. Your favorite hobby is drawing underarm hair on all the models in Vogue magazine. And your favorite movie is Lady and the Tramp and you always cry when they come to the part about the spaghetti.
Carla: I didn't think anybody knew that.
Sam: I'll tell you something else I know about you that you didn't think I knew.
Carla: What?
Sam: You go to Mass every Sunday.
Carla: Who squealed on me?!

Carla: Just so we can follow the fun, what's this fight about?
Diane: We're not fighting, Carla. We're merely discussing a little difference of opinion. Vodka rocks, two. I think Sam is a heartless mindless slack-jawed cretin and he disagrees.

Carla: When I'm in charge of the bar I know what God feels like.
Norm: How's that?
Carla: It's like I'm in complete control of people's destinies. Yeah, I can make their drinks too strong so they get sick. Or I can water them down so they're payin' for nothin'. Or if I don't like their attitude I can spit in it.

Cliff: [trying to scratch a bikini off a card] There's something wrong here. I can't get the bikini off my girl.
Norm: Story of your life, big guy.

Cliff: I have impossibly high standards for a woman.
Norm: She has to like you, right?

Cliff: I'll go with you I know CPR.
Norm: I'll go, I'm a CPA.

Cliff: If I wasn't wearing this uniform, I'd ask you to step outside.
Norm: If you weren't wearing that uniform, we'd all step outside.

Cliff: It doesn't seem fair, does it Norm?
Norm: What?
Cliff: Well that I should have so much knowledge when there are people in the world that have to go to bed stupid every night.

Cliff: Sometimes I'm ashamed God made me a man.
Carla: I don't think God's doing a whole lot of bragging about it either.

Cliff: The Hindus believe that what you come back as depends upon your behavior in this life. If you led a good life, you come back in an elevated state.
Coach: Like Colorado?
Cliff: No, Coach. Uh, more like a king or a prince. Conversely, if you've not led a good life, you come back in a more lowly condition.
Norm: [chuckling] Last time around, I must have made a real ass out of myself.

Coach: Beer, Normy?
Norm: Coach, I don't know. I'll have one next week... what the heck I'm young.

Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.

Coach: How about tellers? You take tellers. They never tell you anything. They always ask questions. And interest, there's nothing interesting about it at all. It's boring. Oh and then the trust department, they got all the pens chained down to the tables. What kind of trust is that?

Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.