Carla: [about Nick] He knows women like a jeweler knows jewels; like a meat-cutter knows meat.
Loretta: Like a marine biologist knows Marines.

Carla: Boy, I'll tell you it's hopeless. I have looked everywhere in the Boston area and I just cannot find a house in my price range.
Sam: What's the big rush? Your apartment's fine.
Carla: No, it's not. My kids get bigger, my apartment gets smaller. I don't know what it's like to be alone in the bathroom anymore. What's it like, Sam? Is it everything people say it is?
Sam: More. Much much more.
Carla: I knew it.

Carla: Hey, Fitzie, thanks for that $20 tip last night. I don't want you getting the wrong idea about me.
Mr. Fitzgerald: Carla, I know that your favors are not for sale.
Carla: See, that's what I mean about the wrong idea.

Carla: I've been plannin' my Elvis pilgrimage to Memphis for weeks and now Nick is backing out of takin' care of the kids. He says his appendix burst.
Sam: That seems serious to me.
Carla: His appendix bursts every time I need a favor.
Woody: If he was smart, he would have that removed.

Carla: No way some guy like that ends up with me.
Sam: Will you stop cutting yourself short. You offer a lot of things to a guy.
Carla: Oh yeah, sure. Six kids, mortgage up to my ears, stack of bills, dead end job, and fallen arches.
Sam: You know, if I wasn't already engaged...

Cliff: Today marks the beginning of my seventh year as a United States postal carrier.
Norm: Woody, I think that calls for a little drink on the house. What do you think?
Woody: I think you're right, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: What the hell, give Cliffie one too.

Diane: [After Thompkins steals Norm's proposal to the Board of Directors] Now now, Norman, you can't let this faze you, all right? You have to keep pushing. I know that this idea didn't succeed, but others will.
Norm: No no, Diane. Look, a few minutes ago, I almost made the biggest mistake of my professional life and it was because I was doing something that just wasn't me. I am not a go-getter, I've never been a go-getter, what's more, I don't even want to be a go-getter. I'm very happy right where I am. I'm so sick of all these people saying "Peterson, you gotta push", "You gotta get ahead", "You gotta make that goal". I don't even want to make the goal, Diane. I want to be a bench warmer. The world needs bench warmers. If there were no bench warmers, what would we have? Cold benches. A lot of cold benches and the world does not need that. You know something, I'm very happy with being an anonymous cog in this field of work.
Diane: Norman, I've never seen you so impassioned like this before.
Norm: That's because I believe in this, Diane. I'll tell you something else, Norm Peterson may be a motionless lump, but he's a damn good one.

Diane: [watching her video] All my life I wanted to dance so badly!
Norm: Looks like you got your wish.

Diane: How can a man tell a woman he loves her and yet try to kill her?
Sam: I can see it.

Diane: Norman, may I talk to you for a minute?
Norm: Yeah, sure. What's up?
Diane: You make me sick. You're a quitter, Norman! No, you're worse than that, you're a non-starter. You don't even try. You sit around the bar all day, you sit around your house all day, you sit around here all day, you sit around life all day! How are you going to feel at the end of your life when you're lying-no, make that sitting, on your death bed and you realize the only thing you've done in your life was sit around, and watch people do things, make things out of their lives? Well, maybe you're right, Norman. Maybe you're not meant for success, maybe you're meant for exactly what you are-nothing.
Norm: Diane, you have no right to say that to me.
Diane: Oh, Norman, I only said those things because I care about you.
Norm: You must care an awful lot about me.
Diane: Yes, I do. We all do. We're your friends, Norman, and we're all tired of seeing you give up so easily.

Diane: Oh Sam, it's never too early to start thinking of name for our children.
Sam: It is if you're thinking about the name Emil.
Diane: What's wrong with Emil?
Sam: A meal is something you eat. It's not something you name your kid.

Diane: Sam, may I have your ear for a moment?
Sam: Yeah, just don't leave any bite marks.

Diane: Sam?
Sam: Did you notice that?
Diane: Notice what?
Sam: Everything just got calm.
Diane: I don't notice any difference.
Sam: Oh, yes, yes. There's a difference in everything. The whole world just changed for me. [pause, looking up] Ohh, look. The stars are new. The moon is new. Sam Malone is new, and I like him. [pointing to the stars] And I like them. And they like me. And none of us like you.
[Sam takes a step towards Diane.]
Diane: Am I going overboard again?
Sam: No, no, no. Don't be silly. That would mean I care, and I don't. Bye bye, Diane.
Diane: Where are you going?
Sam: I'm going to swim ashore.
Diane: You can't do that.
Sam: Very well, I'll take the dingy. See how quickly the new Sam adjusts.
Diane: You're going to just leave me out here all alone?
Sam: Yes, I am.
Diane: [sighs] Sam. Sam Malone, if you leave me out here all alone, you are the most despicable creature on Earth!
Sam: Well, I... y'am what I y'am, and that's all that I y'am.

Diane: What could be more enjoyable than opening your heart with holiday cheer?
Carla: Opening yours with a can opener.

Frasier: [to Lillith] Darling? Don't make yourself too beautiful I can hardly stand to look at you now.
[Diane and Lilith are in the bathroom.]