Alex: And here are the categories for you, "Civil Servants", "Stamps From Around The World", "Mothers And Sons", "Beer", "Bar Trivia", and finally, "Celibacy".
Woody: Man, this has to be Mr. Clavin's dream board.
Norm: Sure. He's home free as long as he doesn't get too cocky.
Alex: Cliff, can I get you to pick a category and an amount?
Cliff: Why don't you go ahead and pick any one you want? I mean, I am feeling lucky today! Woah!
Norm: Uh oh.

Alex: And it takes us to Cliff. Cliff, good news for you. Both of your opponents came up with incorrect responses, and what that means is that even if you're wrong, and as long as you didn't do anything foolish, like wager everything, you're a cinch winner.
Cliff: Well then, we don't have to see my answer, do we, Alex? [Places his jacket over his monitor.] I will see you at the Tournament of Champions.
Alex: [Taking the jacket from Cliff's monitor.] Cliff, we're running out of time, and we are gonna have to take a look at your response. You wrote down... "Who are three people who've never been in my kitchen?" No, I'm sorry, that too is wrong. The correct response is "Who are the real names of Cary Grant, Tony Curtis, and Joan Crawford?"
Cliff: Well, be that as it may, Alex, those people have never been in my kitchen.
Alex: Well, I'm sure they haven't. But obviously that's not what we were going for when we wrote up that clue.
Cliff: Obvious to who?
Alex: Cliff, it's all right. You don't have to worry. Unless you risked more than $21,600, you will be the new Jeopardy! champion. So let's take a look and see what your wager was. You bet... 22,000 Big Ones! Takes you down to $0. You bet it all. Cliff, why would you do something like that?
Cliff: It's because I knew that those people have never been in my kitchen! You can ask them, come on! Tony Curtis is still alive! Get them on the phone. Go ahead! I'll pay for the call.
Alex: It isn't gonna work Cliff, sorry. Agnes, $400 isn't a big total, but today, that is gonna make you Jeopardy! champion. Congratulations.
Cliff: No, she's not! I'm the champion! I answered all those questions. You saw me America!
Norm: Come on, let's leave now, nobody will know we were with him. [Woody and Norm leave from the audience]
Cliff: Tony Curtis, if you're out there and you can hear me, call in and I'll split the pot with you! Oh for crying out loud, look at. Any mail carriers out there?

Anthony: Forget him, my father's a bum.
Carla: Hey don't you talk about your father that way.
Anthony: Okay he's a sleazy bum.
Carla: That's better.

Blood Worker: Excuse me miss, I've been sent to collect some specimens.
Carla: They're sitting over there on the other side of the bar.

Buzz: What if I bought this guy a beer?
Norm: Buy me a pitcher and you can kiss me on the lips.

Candi: What's your name?
Frasier: Oh, uh... Dr. Frasier Crane.
Candi: I'm Candi.
Frasier: Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an "I".
Candi: Well, I used to spell it with a "Y" but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an "I". You know, like Gandhi.
Frasier: Yes, yes. I understand that's why he did it.

Carla: [about gay men] I'm not exactly crazy about them. I mean I get enough competition from women. I'm tell you if guys keep coming out of the closet there isn't going to be anybody left to date and I'm going to have to start going out with girls. [looks at Diane] Ewww.
Diane: Carla, you don't have to worry about me. I like my dates a little more masculine than you. Not much but a little.

Carla: [about going to the Postman's Ball with Diane, Cliff, and a blind date] This is going to be a laugh a minute. An evening with the Stick, the Nerd, and Door Number Three.

Carla: [about Nick] He knows women like a jeweler knows jewels; like a meat-cutter knows meat.
Loretta: Like a marine biologist knows Marines.

Carla: [about Rebecca] Ah, well don't feel bad Sam. Just because everybody else got her something. The pretzel salesman, the beer distributor, the relief bartender, the guy she fired after one day.
Sam: Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute though. All those guys were just trying to get her into the sack.
[Carla gives Sam a stare.]
Sam: I've got some shopping to do!

Carla: [on dancing with Nick] It was a magical moment. You know it was like I was transported back in time. I wasn't a tired old woman with six kids. I was a fresh young teenager with two kids.

Carla: [to an upset Diane] What is it this time, bleach bag?
Sam: Carla, I'm the employer here. I can handle this. What is it this time, bleach bag?

Carla: Boy, I'll tell you it's hopeless. I have looked everywhere in the Boston area and I just cannot find a house in my price range.
Sam: What's the big rush? Your apartment's fine.
Carla: No, it's not. My kids get bigger, my apartment gets smaller. I don't know what it's like to be alone in the bathroom anymore. What's it like, Sam? Is it everything people say it is?
Sam: More. Much much more.
Carla: I knew it.

Carla: Buy yourself a melon in case you misplace your head.
John Hill: Tell me Carla, clinically speaking are you considered a dwarf or a midget?
Carla: Say is that your head or is your neck blowing a bubble?
John Hill: Somebody phone the authorities in Paris. The gargoyle has just fallen off Notre Dame and is now taking drink orders.
Carla: You know two heads like that would make a perfectly good butt.
John Hill: Shrike.
Carla: Bullet head.
John Hill: Slattern.
Carla: Hatchet face.
John Hill: Well must be off. Till next month then.
Carla: He's good people.

Carla: Diane, I heard screams.
Diane: Oh I dreamt I was being murdered.
Carla: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Diane: No.
Carla: Was I helping in any way?