Blood Worker: Excuse me miss, I've been sent to collect some specimens.
Carla: They're sitting over there on the other side of the bar.

Carla: Hey Frase, I hear you used to be married to a children's singer. What's the matter? Burl Ives turn you down?

Carla: I think you're gonna be surprised, ‘cause Sam's gonna make this team. Right guys?
Norm: Right, of course, he's Mayday Malone.
Cliff: Yeah, but hold on there, Norm, what if he doesn't? Have you thought about that? A thing like that can really hit a guy hard. He'll probably storm back in here, go in the office, lock himself in, and maybe start taking inventory of his life. Peruse over the setbacks, the humiliations, the wrong turns, and all the while fashioning his belt into a makeshift noose. I mean we've all done it a hundred times.
Frasier: You okay, Cliff?
Cliff: What are you asking me for, Sam's the one with the problem.

Carla: Sam, I'm gonna read your mind. Okay, think of something.
Sam: Right now?
Carla: Yeah.
Sam: Okay.
Carla: You're thinkin' about your car.
Sam: Nope.
Carla: You're thinkin' about some babe.
Sam: Nope.
Carla: Wait a minute. Give me a minute. I can do this. Just give me a chance. You're thinkin' about your hair.
Sam: Nope.
Carla: Come on, Sam. That's everything you ever think about.

Carla: What are you doing down here, Hill? Hair Club for Men meeting?
John Hill: Oh I didn't see you down there Miss Tortelli. Although frankly, [sniffs] you do announce your presence.
Carla: So have you decided what color you're going to dye your head for Easter?
John Hill: Why don't you just scuttle under the office door and get Sam?
Carla:[Yelling in Mr. Hill's face] SAM! HILL'S HERE!

Carla: You've been with thousands of women over the years, right?
Sam: Yeah right.
Carla: How many cards do you get on Father's Day?
Sam: That doesn't mean anything.
Carla: Sammy sooner or later you're gonna have to face the possibility that whether you like it or not you might just possibly have a low sperm count.
Sam: You're fired!

Cliff: [on Johnny Carson's stage] Heeeeeere's Cliffy!
[Johnny Carson walks out on stage towards Cliff]
Johnny: Feels pretty good, doesn't it?
Cliff: Yeah.
Johnny: Now get the hell of my stage before I call security.

Cliff: I'm Cliff Clavin from Boston, I wrote tonight's monologue.
Lady: Oh, so you know Johnny?
Cliff: Does anyone really know Johnny?

Cliff: The only real hurdle left is Ma. It's very traumatic when the woman you love more than anything else is the world meets your significant other.
Norm: Which would be which, Cliff?
Cliff: Now you see my problem.

Cliff: What do you say, Norm? For of us toolin' down old mother road, getting in touch with the old hairy man mobile.
Norm: I don't know. I don't think I can handle sitting still for six hours a day.
Cliff: It might be more like 20.
Norm: Oh then I'm in.

Frasier: [about his mother in law] I suppose it's wrong of me to blame Betty for all our problems. I'm sure I'm not the way she wants me to be either.
Woody: How does she want you to be, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Well... dead. The thing that really drives me crazy is the unrelenting tension between Lilith and her mother. You know, Lilith just holds it all in. She has to unload it somewhere and guess who gets to listen to it endlessly.
Woody: Apparently me, Dr. Crane.

Frasier: Carla, you can't believe God has a personal vendetta against you.
Carla: Look at my kids. Look at my husbands. Look at my life. What do you think?

Frasier: Darling, are you going to be okay with this?
Lilith: Am I going to be okay with this? Let's see. Earlier today I discovered that my husband had an ex-wife he never told me about. Then I had the pleasure of watching him kiss said ex-wife in front of 1,000 children including his own. Then to top it all off, she hugged me. Can you deduce from my tone whether or not I'm going to be okay with this?
Frasier: Baby, you're the greatest.

Frasier: Everyone, I have an announcement to make. You may not have noticed but over the last year I've allowed myself to gradually fall out of shape. I'm frequently tired and I find I no longer have the energy for some of my daily activities.
Lilith: Or some of your weekly ones.
Frasier: Which is why Richard here is going to put me on a strict exercise and diet regimen. Now you may ask, "Why is Frasier sharing this information with the general public?"
Carla: Because you're the loneliest man on earth.
Lilith: He has another reason.

Frasier: I sense the mood of the bar. You're all suffering from the winter blues; the shortened daylight hours, the cold numbing weather, the bleak sense of isolation. It's what we in the psychiatric professions call, the jackpot.