Frasier: Oh say you know Norm, the guy on This Old House said you should apply paint with vertical strokes.
Norm: Yeah, what's This Old House?
Frasier: Well it's a show on PBS.
Norm: What's PBS?
Lilith: Tell me you didn't see that coming a mile away.

Frasier: People. People. We cannot impose our own moral belief systems on these two.
Sam: Yes, thank you very much.
Frasier: The real question is, will they make responsible parents?
Rebecca: That's right.
Frasier: And the answer is an emphatic no.

Frasier: Sam, your whole life has been a string of meaningless albeit enjoyable sexual encounters. Now for the first time you're engaging in a meaningful productive pursuit. It's a common conflict between what we call recreational sex and procreational sex.
Sam: What?
Frasier: Oh, dirty sex and clean sex.

Frasier: You know Carla never ceases to amaze me. She has a strange mixture of fervent religious faith and primitive superstition. I suppose it's part of our ever changing mixed up culture.
Lilith: I don't know that you should blame Carla's belief system on culture, Frasier. The need to worship high intelligence is an innate and universal phenomenon. In fact, in recent week it's become clear that my lab rats worship me as a goddess. I must confess I don't discourage them.
Frasier: Very interesting dear. Apropos of nothing, how many vacation days do you have coming?
Lilith: I don't know, 80, 85.
Frasier: What do you say we cash 50, 60 of those in and have you spend a little time with some people?

Henderson: Do you have a Clavin here?
Carla: Yeah, but it hasn't been flushing right lately.

Henri: I am being kicked out. Just because I am not a citizen and I have no job and I have no prospect for a job and I have no wish for a job.
Norm: Wait a minute. They can kick you out for that?
Sam: No, no relax. You were born here.
Norm: God bless America.

John Hill: For the next three hours I need you and the rest of the Cheers' chimps to hold down the noise. Right now I'm entertaining 200 elderly women from the Daughters of the American Revolution.
Sam: Givin' ‘em a first-hand account, John?
John Hill: Very amusing. Sam, this vent connects directly to my dining room and often we can hear everything you say down here. So tell your mailman to go to that side of the bar if he wants to describe his fungal infections.
Norm: You know, I have to second that.

Kelly: Woody, we've got to be going.
Woody: Right. [to Sam] If James has to circle the block more than once he has a hissy fit.
Kelly: Boy. Chauffeurs, huh, Miss Howe?
Rebecca: Oh, yeah. I have that trouble with mine all the time.
Kelly: Really? What do you do?
Rebecca: I wake up.

Lilith: Frasier, I've got to run. I'm having my photograph taken for a new ID badge at the lab.
Rebecca: Are you going to get your hair done for that?
Lilith: Why on earth should I?
Carla: Well at least get the tension on that bun checked. I mean if that baby goes, we are dead!
Lilith: That hardly seems just, coming from a woman whose hair has never seen a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean.

Lilith: Frasier, we need to have a discussion.
Frasier: oh no, don't tell me you have a thing against Halloween too.
Lilith: I don't have a thing against Halloween. I just don't want my child panhandling door to door accepting non-nutritious snacks from strangers dressed in a silly costume.
Frasier: But darling, that is Halloween.
Lilith: Oh well, then I guess I do have a thing against it.

Monika: Are you with the groom's family?
Sam: I'm the best man.
Monika: I'd enjoy being the judge of that.
Season 11

Paul: Where's Norm and Cliff?
Woody: I guess they're at work. I don't know.
Paul: You've got a cute sense of humor, Woody. I like that.

Pete: I wonder what's wrong with Carla.
Cliff: We all know what's wrong with Carla, but I'm the only one with enough courage to say it. Not enough bran.
[Carla pushes Cliff off his stool]

Rebecca: 18 years old and ready to take on the world.
Woody: Wait a minute. You were 18 when you graduated from high school? What, did daddy pull some strings?

Rebecca: Carla, do you think I'll make a good mother?
Carla: Nope.
Rebecca: What do you mean?
Carla: You asked me a question. I gave you an answer.
Rebecca: But I'm serious.
Carla: Sorry I'm just being honest.
Rebecca: You're not being honest. You're being mean.
Carla: Sometimes you get a twofer.