Sam: Why don't you just admit that you're nuts about me and you can't stand seeing me going out with other women, so you tried to eliminate the competition?
Diane: Sam... your hormones have staged a "coup d'etat" on your brain.
Sam: Ah, no, no. Don't, don't try to distract me with hormone talk.

Sam: Woody, this is Carla Tortelli.
Woody: Hi ma'am.
Carla: Ma'am? What's that supposed to mean?
Woody: I believe it's a term of respect.
Carla: No wonder it sounded so weird.

Sam: You're the only person I trust to listen to on this one.
Frasier: Okay Sam, I think I have some advice for you.
Sam: Oh good, what?
Frasier: Get yourself a qualified therapist to help you get over your depression and when you do give me his name.

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
Norm: Okay Woody but be sure to stop me at 1. Ah, make that 1:30.

Woody: How you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Pour.
Woody: I'm so sorry to hear that.
Norm: [pointing to the beer tap] No, I meant pour.
Season 5

Woody: Looks like Sammy got his walking papers. I know how he feels.
Norm: Yeah I think we've all been there before, Woody.
Cliff: Well it's never happened to me, so I guess I'll just have to imagine it.
Norm: Cliffie, you actually have to go with someone before you can get dumped.

Woody: Mr. Dalton, you've had so many bizarre and terrifying experiences.
Jack: Some people say I have a death wish. Far from it, I have a life wish.
Cliff: So does Normy.
Norm: What?
Cliff: He wishes he had one.

[after Andy leaves the bar, Diane follows Sam into the office]
Diane: Sam, I'm sorry. I feel awful. You were right. Please accept my apology.
Sam: Oh, forget it, Diane. I forgive you. "The quality of mercy is not strained; it droppeth as the gentle rain from Heaven upon the place beneath. It is twice blest: it blesseth him that gives and him that takes."
Diane: Thank you, Sam. What did you say?
Sam: I think you heard me.
Diane: Yes, but YOU said it.
Sam: [puts on his smoking jacket; Diane is astounded] Come on, Diane. You really didn't believe that buffoonish façade that I've been perpetrating for the benefit of my blue-collar clientele did you?

[Business isn't doing well at Cheers now that Sam is the host]
Sam: I'll think of something.
Cliff: Skimpy outfits on the waitresses, Sammy.
Sam: That's not bad.
Carla: Wait a minute. I don't want people having a look at something I'm ashamed of.
Sam: You've got a lovely body.
Carla: [pointing at Diane] I was talking about hers.
Sam: I'll think of something.
Diane: Well I don't know what.
Sam: You don't have my brain.
Diane: Whoever has it should return it. You need it right now.

[Carla starts out the door with Vinnie]
Carla: So, um, you like kids, huh?
Vinnie: Like 'em? I love 'em! I got seven of my own.
[Carla shuts the door on Vinnie]
Sam, Diane, others: Carla!
Carla: It's okay, I'm only joking. [she goes out to Vinnie]
Carla: Hey, Vinnie, could you do me a favor? Just for tonight could you pretend that your name is Mitch and that you're an airline pilot?
Vinnie: Well, I guess... if you'll call yourself Raven and pretend you're a Vegas showgirl.
Carla: You're weird... I like that.

[Carla's cousin, Santo Carbone, the detective has been meeting with Norm and Phyllis]
Santo: Oh, look. You both seem like nice people, huh?. Do yourselves a favor � don't hire me.
Norm: Well, that's an interesting sales pitch you have there, but, uh, we, uh, we're quite serious about this.
Santo: You don't know what you're letting yourselves in for here. A lot of pain, a lot of heartache, a lot of misery.
Carla: And that's just when you see the bill.
Santo: My cousin � she's a pistol.

[Cliff is showing off his new sunglasses]
Cliff: Italian imports � sixty-five smackeroonies. That's right, notice the, uh, sleek European styling there, the sturdy reinforced frames and the high tech shatterproof reflective lenses that allow me to scope out the dollies without, uh, drawing attention to myself.
Carla: You could walk up to ‘em naked with your hair on fire and not draw attention to yourself.
Cliff: How would you know? They only work on women.
Carla: They seem to have given you courage.

[Cliff's dad, on the run from the law, leaves secretly]
Norm: What do you supposed happened to him?
Cliff: It's obvious, isn't it? My father didn't trust me so he gave me the slip out of the bathroom window. I guess I'll, uh, just go home. (dejected, he starts to leave)
Carla: But, you're ruling out the other possibility.
Cliff: What other possibility?
Carla: Well, it's a little known fact, but more and more people have been going into men's rooms and vaporizing. I mean just disappearing into thin air. It's an unexplained phenomenon.
Norm: It's kinda like, uh, the Bermuda Triangle.
Carla: That's right.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get serious, will you.
Carla: Have it your way.
Cliff: Well, you know, however, uh, this much is true: you know, uh, it's been recent sightings of, uh, human beings being, uh, shot up into the underbelly of alien spacecraft. You know, and speaking of the Bermuda Triangle... it's not technically a triangle.
Woody: It's not?
Cliff: Heck no! It's a "trapazedarhomboid". Perfect for, uh, attracting Martian spacecraft.

[Diane enters]
Diane: Hello, everyone.
[Everyone mumbles halfhearted greetings]
Diane: Oh, come on, what kind of a greeting is that? When Norm comes in you all yell 'Norm!' and make a big fuss over him. Is it asking too much for me to get the same treatment every once in a while?
Sam: She's right. Try it again, sweetheart.
Diane: Yeah. Thanks.
[Diane reenters]
Diane: Hello, everyone.
Everyone: Norm!
Diane: [pauses] That's better.

[Diane has decided to use Sam's sex life as the subject for her psychology paper]
Diane: At what age did you have your first sexual encounter?
Sam: Oh, alright, that's more like it. Okay, uh...[looks at her notes] "Trevor � A Case Study". Who, who's Trevor?
Diane: That's you.
Sam: You're not gonna use my name?
Diane: Of course not.
Sam: So... I do all the work and this "Trevor" guy gets the credit?
Diane: Sam this is not your resumé. In a psychological treatise real names are never used.
Sam: Yeah, but at least I should be able to choose my own name. I mean, how ‘bout "Duke"?
Diane: This is my paper and I like Trevor.
Sam: Alright, alright. Well, where were we? You, uh, wanted to know about my first time, right?
Diane: Yes. How old were you?
Sam: Well, uh, boy, I'm not sure. Uh, I know I couldn't get to her house until the crossing guard showed up. Wow. First time is kind of hard to remember. What about your first time?
Diane: I'm the scientist, Sam. My first time has nothing to do with this. Now, what about your second encounter?
Sam: Well, that would be the crossing guard.