Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesJake: Dad?
Alan: Yeah?
Jake: Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]
Charlie: Well, Alan, do you?
Alan: Um... Jake... what do you know what erectile dysfunction?
Jake: Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?
Alan: Right.
Jake: And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you.
Alan: Yeah?
Jake: Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]
Charlie: Well, Alan, do you?
Alan: Um... Jake... what do you know what erectile dysfunction?
Jake: Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?
Alan: Right.
Jake: And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you.
Jake: Have you seen my Game Boy?
Norman: No. Have you seen my wife?
Jake: No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
Norman: Ditto.
Norman: No. Have you seen my wife?
Jake: No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
Norman: Ditto.
Jake: Hey, Dad, when you got arrested for shoplifting, did they take you to jail?
Alan: I did not get arrested, and there was no jail.
Jake: So I guess you never had to shank a guy to get your props in the yard.
Alan: You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you?
Jake: It's "1234." A monkey could crack that.
Alan: I did not get arrested, and there was no jail.
Jake: So I guess you never had to shank a guy to get your props in the yard.
Alan: You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you?
Jake: It's "1234." A monkey could crack that.
Jake: How come it's a secret that dad is on a date?
Charlie: Eh, it's not a secret, it's just never a good idea to tell a woman more than they need to know
Jake: How come?
Charlie: Because we love them and want to protect them. A clueless woman is a happy woman.
Charlie: Eh, it's not a secret, it's just never a good idea to tell a woman more than they need to know
Jake: How come?
Charlie: Because we love them and want to protect them. A clueless woman is a happy woman.
Jake: I forgot to comb my hair.
Charlie: No-no-no-no-no, I'll do it. [licks his fingers and brushes Jake's hair with them]
Jake: That's spit!
Charlie: One man's saliva is another man's mousse. Now shut up.
Charlie: No-no-no-no-no, I'll do it. [licks his fingers and brushes Jake's hair with them]
Jake: That's spit!
Charlie: One man's saliva is another man's mousse. Now shut up.
Jake: I'm gonna live here with you and Dad from now on.
Charlie: Wanna bet?
Jake: Why not?
Charlie: Two reasons: your mother loves you and life is cruel. Wait, that may just be one reason.
Charlie: Wanna bet?
Jake: Why not?
Charlie: Two reasons: your mother loves you and life is cruel. Wait, that may just be one reason.
Jake: This is really weird.
Alan: Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.
Jake: I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.
Charlie: Nice shooting. Two with one bullet.
Alan: Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.
Jake: I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.
Charlie: Nice shooting. Two with one bullet.
Jake: Where's the dead guy?
Alan: Jake, show a little respect.
Jake: Where's the dead guy sir?
Alan: Jake, show a little respect.
Jake: Where's the dead guy sir?
Jamie [to Alan]: You can never have this. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! [leaves]
Charlie: Well, I guess we know why she's still single.
Charlie: Well, I guess we know why she's still single.
Judith: I'm surprised to see you home on a Saturday night, what with your fun, bachelor lifestyle.
Charlie: Well, I got laid this morning, so I thought I'd kick back tonight.
Charlie: Well, I got laid this morning, so I thought I'd kick back tonight.
Judith: I'm warning you, Alan, things had better change around here or there will be serious consequences. Legal consequences! Got it?
Alan: Got it.
Judith: Good-bye. [leaves; Alan shuts the door]
Alan [mocking Judith]: "There will be serious consequences. Legal consequences."
Charlie [also mocking Judith]: "I don't care what you do during the week, but on the weekends, you're a role model."
Alan [same mocking voice]: I enjoy talking this way.
Charlie [same mocking voice]: As do I.
Alan: Got it.
Judith: Good-bye. [leaves; Alan shuts the door]
Alan [mocking Judith]: "There will be serious consequences. Legal consequences."
Charlie [also mocking Judith]: "I don't care what you do during the week, but on the weekends, you're a role model."
Alan [same mocking voice]: I enjoy talking this way.
Charlie [same mocking voice]: As do I.
Judith: When I brought him [Jake] home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!
Alan: Uh, well, Judith... you do.
Alan: Uh, well, Judith... you do.
Miss Pasternak: Do you think he'll [Jake] be OK?
Charlie: Sure, he's just not used to seeing his teacher out of the classroom... and her pants.
Charlie: Sure, he's just not used to seeing his teacher out of the classroom... and her pants.
Miss Pasternak: Jake, I'm only your teacher from 8:15 to 3:00. After that, I'm just a person like anyone else.
Jake: Oh, this is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall.
Jake: Oh, this is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall.
Sean Penn: Charlie, when are you gonna stop resenting your brother just for being born?
Charlie: I don't resent him for being born, but he abused the privilege!
Charlie: I don't resent him for being born, but he abused the privilege!