Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesSherri: My point is, I'm tired of those shallow relationships I was having with guys like Charlie. I want to be with a man who can be sensitive and caring, nurturing, you know, someone who can make me laugh, make me think.
Alan: You do realize I'm straight, right?
Sherri: [giggling] You really are adorable.
Alan: Thank you. I, uh-- I tend to bring out the mothering instinct in women.
Sherri: Really?
Alan: Ironically, not my mother.
Alan: You do realize I'm straight, right?
Sherri: [giggling] You really are adorable.
Alan: Thank you. I, uh-- I tend to bring out the mothering instinct in women.
Sherri: Really?
Alan: Ironically, not my mother.
Trudy [to Alan after drinking another restaurant customer's glass of wine]: Remind me to get some clean urine from you before we go.
[after Alan and Charlie left for the party]
Rose: What is that about?
Jake: I don't know, but one of them suffers from erectile dysfunction.
Rose: What is that about?
Jake: I don't know, but one of them suffers from erectile dysfunction.
[After an earthquake has struck while Charlie was in bed with a woman]
Alan: Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.
Charlie: What earthquake?
Alan: 'What earthquake?' About an hour ago, you didn't feel the house shaking?
[Charlie stares into space for a moment with a blank expression on his face]
Charlie: Oh.
Alan: Unbelievable. You actually thought that was you?
Charlie: No, I thought it was her. Y'know, because of me. Well the good news is unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit.
Alan: Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.
Charlie: What earthquake?
Alan: 'What earthquake?' About an hour ago, you didn't feel the house shaking?
[Charlie stares into space for a moment with a blank expression on his face]
Charlie: Oh.
Alan: Unbelievable. You actually thought that was you?
Charlie: No, I thought it was her. Y'know, because of me. Well the good news is unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit.
[after Charlie plays the first version of his Oshikuru jingle]
Jake: Your thing doesn't capture the mood at all, it just... blows!
Charlie: OK, OK, you said "blows" already.
Jake: Did I say "big baby chunks"?
Jake: Your thing doesn't capture the mood at all, it just... blows!
Charlie: OK, OK, you said "blows" already.
Jake: Did I say "big baby chunks"?
[after Evelyn tries to convince Harry's most recent wife to sell her six-bedroom house]
Alan: That woman just lost her husband!
Evelyn: Alan, the man was fifty years old when she was born!
Alan: So?
Evelyn: So she had to see it coming!
Charlie: Wow. Even for you, that is really cold.
Alan: Oh, Mr. Graveside Nookie weighs in. Five minutes ago you were trying to give the widow a sympathetic crotch to cry on.
Alan: That woman just lost her husband!
Evelyn: Alan, the man was fifty years old when she was born!
Alan: So?
Evelyn: So she had to see it coming!
Charlie: Wow. Even for you, that is really cold.
Alan: Oh, Mr. Graveside Nookie weighs in. Five minutes ago you were trying to give the widow a sympathetic crotch to cry on.
[after Jake's time with Evelyn]
Charlie: Do you realize that in one night, he did what we couldn't do in a lifetime?
Alan: He broke her.
Charlie: Chewed her up and spit her out.
Alan: It was a beautiful thing.
Charlie: I'm gonna be truthful here, Alan. I always thought your kid was a little bit of a simpleton.
Alan: Me, too.
Charlie: But clearly, he is the chosen one.
Jake: Hey, guys, check it out: [high-pitched voice]: Pull my finger. [lower voice]: OK. [pulls his finger and farts]
Alan: And they shall call him Jake.
Charlie: Do you realize that in one night, he did what we couldn't do in a lifetime?
Alan: He broke her.
Charlie: Chewed her up and spit her out.
Alan: It was a beautiful thing.
Charlie: I'm gonna be truthful here, Alan. I always thought your kid was a little bit of a simpleton.
Alan: Me, too.
Charlie: But clearly, he is the chosen one.
Jake: Hey, guys, check it out: [high-pitched voice]: Pull my finger. [lower voice]: OK. [pulls his finger and farts]
Alan: And they shall call him Jake.
[after the debut of the Oshikuru cartoon]
Jake: That's not what we wrote! That's your original sucky version!
Charlie: What can I tell you? The network liked that one better.
Jake: What are they, brain damaged?
Charlie: Welcome to show business, kid.
Jake: That's not what we wrote! That's your original sucky version!
Charlie: What can I tell you? The network liked that one better.
Jake: What are they, brain damaged?
Charlie: Welcome to show business, kid.
[Alan and Jake are looking at Harry's dead body during the funeral]
Jake: How did he die?
Alan: He just got old. His heart stopped.
Jake: Oh. His watch is still going.
Alan: Yep.
Jake: Why would he need a watch anyway? It's not like he's gonna be late for anything.
Jake: How did he die?
Alan: He just got old. His heart stopped.
Jake: Oh. His watch is still going.
Alan: Yep.
Jake: Why would he need a watch anyway? It's not like he's gonna be late for anything.
[Alan is helping Jake study for his history test. Charlie is drunk.]
Alan: Lewis and Clark explored what?
Charlie: [buzzes in] Louisiana Purchase.
Alan: Right.
Jake: I knew that.
Alan: Yeah, but, uh, Uncle Charlie buzzed first.
Charlie: And I'm still buzzed.
Jake: OK, give me another question.
Alan: All right. Um, "Seward's Folly" is another name for...? [Jake and Charlie buzz in at the same time] Jake?
Jake: Alaska.
Alan: Ah, very good!
Charlie: Ugh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.
Alan: Lewis and Clark explored what?
Charlie: [buzzes in] Louisiana Purchase.
Alan: Right.
Jake: I knew that.
Alan: Yeah, but, uh, Uncle Charlie buzzed first.
Charlie: And I'm still buzzed.
Jake: OK, give me another question.
Alan: All right. Um, "Seward's Folly" is another name for...? [Jake and Charlie buzz in at the same time] Jake?
Jake: Alaska.
Alan: Ah, very good!
Charlie: Ugh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.
[Alan just bought a new Porsche, which Charlie is unimpressed with]
Alan: It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it.
Charlie: Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.
Alan: Monkeys can't drive a stick.
Alan: It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it.
Charlie: Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.
Alan: Monkeys can't drive a stick.
[Charlie is on all fours on his bed]
Charlie: Alan, you're a chiropractor. Do something!
Alan: Really? You want my help? Even after you referred to my profession as, oh what was it... "urban voodoo"?
Charlie: Alan, you're a chiropractor. Do something!
Alan: Really? You want my help? Even after you referred to my profession as, oh what was it... "urban voodoo"?
[Charlie is on the floor in intense pain]
Charlie: I need someone who can give me drugs!
Berta: I'm not holding, but I can make a couple of calls.
Alan: Drugs just mask the problem.
Charlie: Fine! Mask it, throw a cape on it and let it fight crime!
Charlie: I need someone who can give me drugs!
Berta: I'm not holding, but I can make a couple of calls.
Alan: Drugs just mask the problem.
Charlie: Fine! Mask it, throw a cape on it and let it fight crime!
[Charlie is teaching Jake how to play blackjack]
Jake: What's the signal if you have to go to the bathroom?
Charlie: There is no signal; you just get up and go to the bathroom. Unless you're on a hot streak, in which case you sit tight and wet yourself.
Jake: You're kidding, right?
Charlie: Hey, you're wearing a $50 pair of slacks and you got $600 on the table? Do the math.
Jake: I have to do math and pee my pants?
Jake: What's the signal if you have to go to the bathroom?
Charlie: There is no signal; you just get up and go to the bathroom. Unless you're on a hot streak, in which case you sit tight and wet yourself.
Jake: You're kidding, right?
Charlie: Hey, you're wearing a $50 pair of slacks and you got $600 on the table? Do the math.
Jake: I have to do math and pee my pants?
[Charlie shows Alan a bra that he found in the back seat of his Mercedes]
Alan: Holy mother of God!
Charlie: No, no, unholy mother of us!
Alan: Holy mother of God!
Charlie: No, no, unholy mother of us!