Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotes[Jake finds out he's spending the night with Evelyn]
Jake: Uncle Charlie, can you get me out of this?
Charlie: That depends. Are you willing to live in Mexico for a few years?
Jake: SÃÂ.
Jake: Uncle Charlie, can you get me out of this?
Charlie: That depends. Are you willing to live in Mexico for a few years?
Jake: SÃÂ.
[Jake is doing his homework]
Alan: What about this one?
Jake: That's extra credit. I don't have to do it.
Alan: But why don't you do it anyway.
Jake: Cause I don't have to.
Alan: But it shows you're willing to make an extra effort.
Jake: But I'm not.
Alan: Do it!
Jake: Why?
Alan: Jake, if you spent as much time doing the homework as you do arguing about it, we'd be done by now.
Jake: I am done, this is extra.
Alan: What about this one?
Jake: That's extra credit. I don't have to do it.
Alan: But why don't you do it anyway.
Jake: Cause I don't have to.
Alan: But it shows you're willing to make an extra effort.
Jake: But I'm not.
Alan: Do it!
Jake: Why?
Alan: Jake, if you spent as much time doing the homework as you do arguing about it, we'd be done by now.
Jake: I am done, this is extra.
[Jake spots the high school yearbook photo of Alan]
Jake: What was going on with your hair?
Jamie: It's called a Jheri curl.
Alan: It was my Michael Jackson period.
Jake: Who's the tall guy next to you?
Jamie: Oh, uh, that's me, Jake.
Jake: What was going on with your hair?
Jamie: It's called a Jheri curl.
Alan: It was my Michael Jackson period.
Jake: Who's the tall guy next to you?
Jamie: Oh, uh, that's me, Jake.
[Jamie kisses Charlie after kissing Alan, with Charlie in the backseat and Alan in the front]
Charlie: To the batcave, Alfred
Alan: Go to hell.
Charlie: To the batcave, Alfred
Alan: Go to hell.
[Judith is holding salad tongs]
Charlie: Ah, better use the wooden ones.
Judith: What's wrong with these?
Charlie: I use those whenever I drop my watch in the toilet.
Judith: Is this a regular occurrence?
Charlie: You'd think I'd learn.
Judith: And you keep them in the kitchen?
Charlie: I used to hang them on a little hook in the bathroom, but it freaked some chicks out.
Charlie: Ah, better use the wooden ones.
Judith: What's wrong with these?
Charlie: I use those whenever I drop my watch in the toilet.
Judith: Is this a regular occurrence?
Charlie: You'd think I'd learn.
Judith: And you keep them in the kitchen?
Charlie: I used to hang them on a little hook in the bathroom, but it freaked some chicks out.
[on Charlie's date Sherri]
Rose: Oh, Charlie, you don't need a girl like that. You could do so much better.
Charlie: You're right, I can. She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head?
Rose: That's not where I was going, but let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic...
Charlie: Oh, my God!
Rose: What?
Charlie: I'm dating myself. No wonder the sex is weird.
Rose: Oh, Charlie, you don't need a girl like that. You could do so much better.
Charlie: You're right, I can. She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head?
Rose: That's not where I was going, but let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic...
Charlie: Oh, my God!
Rose: What?
Charlie: I'm dating myself. No wonder the sex is weird.