Charlie: Well, what if you were dating?
Alan: But I'm not.
Charlie: But what if it looked like you were dating?
Alan: Oh, oh, you mean-- no, no way. I-- I'm not gonna let you fix me up with one of your bimbo girlfriends.
Charlie: OK, forget it.
Alan: She'd have to be really pretty, like a... like a ten. And young, like a twenty.
Charlie: Anything else?
Alan: Uh, and smart. Uh, and a sense of humor's important. Uh, well-read, uh, good with kids, uh, non-smoking, of course... ooh, and, uh, easy on the piercings. Nothing south of the equator.
Charlie: You're mighty picky for a guy with an adult newsstand in his sock drawer.

Charlie: When you're making love, the way to slow yourself down is to think of something completely non-sexual.
Alan: What do you think of?
Charlie: You.

Charlie: You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.
Alan: We don't know that.

Daisy: Anyway, I'm sleeping at a motel tonight.
Berta: Good idea. Maybe you'll meet your next husband on the walk there.

Evelyn [during the funeral]: I loved this man with all my heart and you left me, you lousy bastard! Well, take a good look! I've still got a great ass and yours is decomposing as we speak!

Evelyn [to Norman]: Did my son... polish your trophy wife?
Season 3

Evelyn: [About the menu] See anything you like dear?
Jake: I don't know. What's venison?
Evelyn: Deer.
Jake: What?
Evelyn: Deer.
Jake: What?
Evelyn: Deer. D-E-E-R.
Jake: What? W-H-A-T.
Evelyn: [To Alan] What's wrong with him?
Alan: Jake, she means the deer in the forest, like uh, Bambi.
Jake: Oh cool, let's eat Bambi!
Charlie: Coming soon to Pay-per-view.

Evelyn: And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."
Charlie: That's good. Open with a joke.

Evelyn: Charles, didn't I ask you to confine your debauchery to outlet stores?

Evelyn: Charlie, I need to borrow your Mercedes.
Charlie: Well, since you're in a hurry, I'll give you a quick answer: no.
Evelyn: Charlie, please, I'm showing a house in half an hour.
Charlie: What's wrong with that little electric car you bought?
Evelyn: Oh, nothing! Well, it's fine, it's hip, it's what anyone who cares about this planet is driving. But if you're trying to sell real estate to a Saudi oil prince, you can't be driving up in some little toy car with a plug in the bumper.
Alan: Um, you could use my car, Mom.
Evelyn: You see? Now that is how a loving son treats his mother. [to Alan]: Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful.

Evelyn: Excuse me, I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you two.
Charlie: Really, the teenage drinking and constant running away wasn't a slight tipoff?
Evelyn: Oh, you were just a little drama queen, Charlie. And let's not forget, you always came back.
Charlie: Kinda hard to get steady work when you're nine.

Evelyn: I left a $300 bra in the back seat of your Mercedes, and I want it back.
Charlie: Oh, my. How in heaven's name did that happen, Mother?
Evelyn: Well, if you must know--
Alan: I don't need to know.
Evelyn: Oh, Alan, grow up. [to Charlie]: I sold a $12 million house and I wanted to celebrate.
Charlie: With the Saudi prince?
Evelyn: Don't be ridiculous. He's got nine wives and they're all, like, eleven years old. No, I-- I was with the seller's realtor. Splitting that juicy commission made us both so hot, we barely made it off the front lawn. Now go get Mommy's bra.

Evelyn: Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have, well, many more stepfathers than you already have.
Charlie: She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.

Jake [to Alan and Charlie]: You know, if you guys were queer, we'd be what they call an "alter-native" family.

Jake: [About his history test and how he got an A] Wendy Cho got an A+.
Evelyn: You see Alan, Wendy Cho got an A+.
Alan: Wendy Cho is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! You can't compare Jake to her!
Evelyn: Well, who should we compare him to? The paste eaters and unibrows?